Musical Illusionists
by Courier999
Summary: In the recording business, today's hits can be tomorrow's misses. How then will one Jessica (formerly Jerrica) Benton survive from both the business and the art sides of the industry? Rated T for language, references to substance abuse, and some violence. R&R!
1. Chapter 1

JEM AND THE HOLOGRAMS: Musical Illusionists

_Jem_ and related characters are property of Hasbro.

Chapter 1: Scout Out

"Enjoying the drinks, Mister Raymond?" a waitress asked.

Eric Raymond was silent as he strained his ears to the punk rock blaring through the club.

"Mister Raymond?"

"I hear you. And I'm enjoying the band more than these insipid concoctions your bartender created."

The waitress silently fumed at the insult.

"Anyways, who are these women?"

"They're the Misfits, and they're our house band."

"I'd like to chat with their manager if it's not too much trouble."

A man in a nearby booth rose upon hearing those words.

"What do you want?" he asked.

Eric Raymond opened his briefcase and removed three pieces of paper.

"Give these to the Misfits. Tell them that it's only the beginning…"

Later that night, the Misfits' manager approached their dressing room and knocked on the door.

"Come in."

The door opened and the man walked in.

"Ladies, you've just been given a chance to go big. Full on record deal."

"You're kidding."

"I'm not, Phyl-"

A green-haired woman in a leather top approached the manager.

"It's Pizzaz. Got it?"

The manager nodded and laid the forms onto the table. Pizzaz leaned in and signed.

"Stormer! Roxy! We got ourselves a break!"

Two other women filed in. The first was dressed in a relatively normal-looking outfit, the affect ruined only by her big blue hair. The other was dressed like a biker girl except for her long platinum-blonde hair.

"Sign along the dotted lines, and we're out of this joint."

The blue-haired woman leaned in and signed, while her cohort just scrawled an "X" on her contract.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Due To The Dead

CENTAUR THEATRE

MONTREAL, QUEBEC:

"Now is the winter of our discontent/made glorious summer by this sun of York…" the actor began.

From her seat, Jessica Benton watched the performance going on before her when she felt her phone buzz.

"Rio?"

The man sitting next to her turned around.

"Save my seat. I need to take this call."

Rio nodded as Jessica stepped into the hall and flipped open her cell phone.

"Hello?"

"_Jerrica, it's me, your sister._"

"Kimberly, we've been through this already. You're supposed to call me Jessica like everyone else."

"_Fine, J._"

"Sis, you caught me at a bad time. I'm at the theatre-"

"_Jessica, you've got to come stateside. Dad died yesterday._"

Jessica felt as though she had been punched in the stomach.

"I'll be home within two days." she whispered.

"_Bye._"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Laid To Rest

Jessica daubed her eyes with a handkerchief as her father's funeral began. Rio sat to her left, while a bald man sat to her right.

"We gather here today to honor the memory of Doctor Emmett Benton, a beloved friend and father. First to speak is Edward Augutter, a dear and close friend of Emmett's."

The bald man stood up and approached the coffin.

"I met Emmett and Jacqui up in Seattle back in '87. He wasn't just a friend to me- we were thick as thieves. When Emmet and Jacqui tied the knot in '91, I was the best man. When they had kids, I sent them supplies and babysat when I could. When Jacqui died in '04 and the minister had to cancel, I did the sermon and the eulogy. When I helped start Earth Corps about five years ago, Emmet gave us funding until we got that federal grant."

A tear rolled down Augutter's face.

"Rest in peace, you old buckeye. You've earned it."

The rain poured down as the coffin was lowered into the ground. Augutter and four compatriots stood at the grave, as did Jessica and Rio.

"Out of morbid curiosity, what was the cause of death?" one man asked.

"Heart attack, Bright." Augutter answered.

Jessica approached the men.

"Thanks for coming, Auger." she said.

"It was the least I could do for your dear old dad, Jerrica."

"It's Jessica now."

Auger reached into his jacket and pulled a small red leather box out of his pocket.

"Your father told me to give this to you way back when. Said it contained something that'd help usher in an age of wonder and beauty."

Jessica took the box and put it in her purse.

"_Jessica! Rio! It's time for us to leave for the reception!_" a woman's voice called out.

"Coming, Aja!" came the response.

Jessica turned to the five fellow mourners.

"The others are waiting for me. Got to run."

"Likewise. Just got a report from a ranger at Los Padres National Forest down in Big Sur. Apparently, a couple of hikers found an amber monolith, and we're going to check it out." Auger replied.


	4. Chapter 4

Chspter 4: Meet The Misfits

STARLIGHT RECORDS BUILDING

LOS ANGELES

"Hello, Jessica."

Jessica stared at the source of the smug and smarmy greeting. Sitting behind his desk was one Eric Raymond, her father's former assistant. A smirk was plastered across his face.

"Spare me the performance, Eric. I'm here to tell you that you're not getting my half of the company."

"Why would I do such a dreadful thing?" Raymond asked.

"If I know you as well as I think I do, you'd probably throw your own mother under the bus if you thought you could make a tidy profit off her life insurance."

"Spare me the moralizing, Jerrica. The point is, you're going to have to sell sooner or later."

"As if! You couldn't find talent if it were standing right in front of you!"

"_Wrong_."

The elevator dinged, and three women marched out.

"Jerrica-"

"It's _Jessica_!"

"Same difference. Anyways, meet the band that's going to put me on the gravy train for life. I call them the Misfits- Pizzazz, Roxy, and Stormer."

Jessica watched as the Misfits filed towards her. Their ostensible leader was the first to approach her. Her green hair, leather clothing, and self-assured sneer gave the impression of a punk rock primadonna.

"How do you do?" she asked, her voice oozing a mixture of arrogance and pride.

"Fine. Who are you?" Jessica replied.

"They call me Pizzazz. Remember it, because you're going to see a lot of me. And you better get out of my way."

Jessica muttered a few curses under her breath as she stormed out of the office. Meanwhile, Pizzazz took a seat and propped her feet up on Raymond's desk.

"So, what's the deal with her?" she asked.

"Benton? She's an uptight daddy's girl. Now then, there's a battle of the bands coming up in a couple of days, and you're going to make it big. With a little help from me, you're going to win that sucker and pave the way for some good old fashioned corporate raiding. Benton's half of the company's not going to be able to keep up with us once we get the ball rolling."

"And then what?" a blue-haired individual asked.

"Then, Stormer, she gets desperate and tries to sell. We swoop in, make an offer, and then I've got all of Starlight under my thumb."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: The House

ORANGE COUNTY, CALIFORNIA

THE STARLIGHT HOUSE FOR FOSTER GIRLS:

Jessica's car pulled up to the old mock-Tudor building where she and her sisters had grown up. Out of the corner of her eye, she sighted a sedan already parked next to the house, as if waiting for her.

_Isn't this just ducky?_ she thought as she exited her vehicle and walked up to the door. Standing before her was a man in a gray suit and the housemother, Hazel Bailey.

"Good morning, Miss Benton." the latter announced.

"Hazel, who's this?"

The man reached into his jacket and removed a business card.

"James Barton, building inspector for the county."

"What do you want?" Jessica asked.

"I came to tell you that in my entire career, I have never seen so many violations of building codes and ordinances. Quite frankly, this structure should be condemned."

"We've gotten the wiring and plumbing up to par-"

"It's not your utility setup that's the problem. It's the building foundation. Something's been eating away at it, probably particularly acidic groundwater. Bottom line is, you've got three or four years before the foundation goes out, maybe five if you're lucky. You could commission repairs, but that's another set of issues."

"I see."

"Goodbye, Miss Benton. I hope our next meeting is more pleasant for the both of us."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Showtime, Synergy

"Well, it's the thought that counts." Jessica muttered as she opened the box Auger had given her.

Kimber leaned in and examined the box's contents. Inside it were a set of pink star earrings and a folded note.

"What's it say?" Kimber asked.

Jessica unfolded the note and read.

* * *

_Dear Jessica:_

_I know this seems like a bad joke- I mean, why would good old "Uncle Auger" give you tacky earrings? But your father told me to give these to you just before he died. He also said for you to go check out the old Starlight Drive-In Theatre for a 3 AM movie._

_To your dad's memory:_

_Edward Augutter_

* * *

Jessica checked her watch.

"It's 2:15. Might as well get Aja and Shana up to check this one out." she muttered.

* * *

45 MINUTES LATER:

"You got us up _why_?" Shana muttered as Jessica's car pulled up to the abandoned drive-in.

"I'm not quite sure. Dad was never one for misdirection, but I have no idea what he was asking me to do with this one."

Aja muttered a few curses under her breath as the car parked.

"Come on, ladies. Let's check this place out." Kimber ordered.

Before the four could get out of the car, the parking space began to sink into the Earth.

"The hell?" Aja asked.

Five minutes later, the parking space entered a large underground chamber. Halogen lights flashed on, revealing colored steel and tile surroundings.

"_Welcome. I've been expecting you._"

"Who are you? Where are you? What are you?"

Jessica turned her head and noticed a large computer terminal. The screen was dominated by a woman's disembodied head, its eyes focused squarely on the quartet.

"_I am Synergy, an advanced artificial intelligence developed by Emmett Benton. Jessica, Kimber, Shana, and Aja- I will be your benefactor. I can provide you with information regarding Eric Raymond and his machinations, among other things._"

"What's he up to right now?" Jessica asked

"_He plans to make the Misfits stars by way of a rigged battle of the bands._"

Kimber's eyes lit up in fury.

"Then let's go up against them. We'll show 'em how to rock and roll." she announced.

"Are you crazy? Raymond's a student of the old-school corporate raiders. If we go up against him, he'll probably take legal action against my half of Starlight Music." Jessica retorted.

"_I have a solution_."

Jessica swiveled around at Synergy's announcement.

"I'm listening."

"_I am capable of creating realistic holograms. They will serve as your disguise, Jessica._"

"But how do I get them to-"

"_Your earrings contain miniaturized hologram emitters._ _Wherever you go, I can access them to project whatever images you need. All you need to say is '_Showtime, Synergy_.'_"

Jessica nodded.

"Showtime, Synergy." she whispered.

The earrings lit up, and Jessica was replaced by a new personage. This replacement was the same height as Jessica and had a very similar figure, but her large pink hair, fuchsia full-torso top, neon=pink leggings, and cerise high-heels offered a vivid contrast to the reserved elder Benton.

"How do I look?" the new personage asked, Jessica's voice emerging from it.

"Good, I guess." Shana stammered.

"Outrageous." Kimber added.

"How outrageous?" Aja asked.

"Truly, truly outrageous."

"_Now, for a name._" Synergy announced.

"Jem." the personage proclaimed.

"Jem is her name- no one else is the same." Kimber muttered.

Shana and Aja nodded.

"Now, how do I get back to normal?" Jem asked.

"_Say '_Show's over, Synergy.' _Alternatively, _'I'll go get her', _if you're asked to bring Jessica before someone_."

"Show's over, Synergy." Jem proclaimed.

As if on cue, Jem was replaced by Jessica Benton once more.

"Let's take on Eric Raymond. This is the beginning of something." Kimber announced.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: The Beginning

"C'mon, ladies! We've got a big shot here! We win this, we win adoring fans, and-"

"Pizzazz, we are _not_ playing 'Anarchy in the UK'-" Stormer announced.

Stormer's gaze was directed to a large red pin right on Pizzazz's leather bustier. Her eyes widened as she recognized the stylized "Circle-A" that formed the top of the pin.

"No. This is our first big show. We'll save that material for a later performance-"

"Stormer, there's no such thing as bad publicity."

"I have a bad feeling about this-"

Pizzazz glared at her bandmate.

"If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it. Now, we've got a battle of the bands to win, and we're not-"

Just then, Eric Raymond entered, his face red as a beet.

"They weren't on the list! This was orchestrated from the top- and they think they can just walk in and start playing!" he ranted.

The Misfits' manager's speech began to give way to incoherent enraged gibberish, punctuated by bursts of profanity that would tempt even a seasoned sailor to pry open his jaws and stick in a bar of soap.

"And I thought it was the _musician_ who was supposed to throw a tantrum." Pizzazz snarked.

Stormer unwrapped a candy bar and offered another one to Roxy.

While all this was going on, the crowd was going wild over the unanticipated arrival of the mysterious new band.

"_There's music in the air, news is in the making/Music in the air, something big is breaking-_"

* * *

BIG SUR NATIONAL FOREST, RANGER OUTPOST 31:

"Auger, we need you to help prepare the monolith for transport-" Herc began.

"Listen!"

Herc's eyes were drawn to a TV screen. The caption "LIVE FROM THE HOLLYWOOD BOWL" lay right beneath the footage of a woman with a large pink hairdo singing.

"_Wow, look round at the sight and the sound-_"

"Who? What?" Herc asked.

"I don't know yet."

* * *

"_Well, this is only the beginning! Only the beginning! Only the beginning!_" the singer finished.

The crowd rose in wild applause.

"Thank you all!" the singer announced.

"Who are you?" someone cried out from the audience.

"We're the Holograms, and I'm Jem." the singer answered.

* * *

MEANWHILE, BACKSTAGE:

"Oh, do you ever shut up?" Pizzazz groaned as Eric Raymond continued ranting and raving.

Just then, another woman walked in.

"You're on. Jem and the Holograms just finished."

"Who?" Pizzazz asked.

"The act that just played- they're done. It's your turn now."

"Thanks."

The three walked toward the stage. Stormer clutched her keytar and closed her eyes as the crowd eyed them cautiously.

"Well, hope the _Holograms_ were a good warm-up- because we're the daughters of Sid and Johnny! Right off the bat, we've got a good one: "Going Underground". Stormer, Roxy- take it away!"

The two began the familiar chords of The Jam's 1982 hit single.

"_Some people might say my life is in a rut/But I'm quite happy with what I've got/People might say that I should strive for more/But I'm so happy I can't see the point-_"

* * *

BIG SUR NATIONAL FOREST, RANGER OUTPOST 31:

"_Something's happening here today/a show of strength with your boy's brigade/and I'm so happy and you're so kind/You want more money- of course I don't mind/To buy nuclear textbooks for atomic crimes/And the public gets what the public wants_-" Auger sang

"Herc, Auger- get back to work!"

"Can it, Bright! This is a classic."

* * *

"_But I want nothing this society's got/I'm going underground (going underground)/Well, let the brass bands play and feet start to pound/Going underground (going underground)/Well, let the boys all sing and all shout for tomorrow!_" Pizzazz sang.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

Yes, this version of Pizzazz is an anarchist.

When Pizzazz calls the Misfits "daughters of Sid and Johnny", she's referring to Sid Vicious and Johnny Rotten, frontmen of the seminal British punk rock band The Sex Pistols.

And if you're wondering why I'm not using any Misfits music from the original show, it's because it shares little to nothing with the themes and tones of punk rock. Yes, these Misfits are punk rockers.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Setbacks

Eric Raymond seethed as he approached Jem.

"Who invited you?" he muttered.

"Jessica Benton herself."

"Then bring her to me."

"I'll go get her."

At that moment, Jem dashed backstage. A few minutes later, Jessica walked back before Raymond.

"Why wasn't I told about these Holograms?"

"They were a last minute addition-"

"Well, I've got an ultimatum. I'm going to get a rematch three days from now, just between the Holograms and the Misfits. Whoever wins gets all of Starlight Music. Have I made myself clear?"

"You're on."

* * *

The sound of breaking objects echoed from outside the Misfit's dressing room as Eric Raymond approached it. Standing right outside the door were Stormer and Roxy.

"What-"

"Take a wild guess."

"_I'll get Jem and make her eat her own hair, even if it's the last thing I EVER DO!_"

"You'll have plenty of opportunities for that, Phy-" Eric began.

"_It's_ PIZZAZZ!"

"You'll get your shot soon enough."


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: Techrat

"_Go away. I'm busy_." a young man's voice grumbled from behind a door.

Eric Raymond glowered. He could swear he heard _two_ voices- one was the young man who had attempted to shoo him away, while the other was a bit more…robotic.

"_Now, Techrat. Let's not forget our deal- you give me money, I give you tech. I brought the tech-_"

"This is a real swindle, you know."

"What can I say? Swindle's my name, no one else is the same-"

"Get out."

Eric heard a car's engine roar to life, and then the door opened.

"What do you want?"

"A name, for one." Eric replied.

"They call me Techrat. I'm the best at what I do, and what I do isn't very nice."

"Enlighten me as to what you do best."

"I'm a gadgeteer by trade, but I do other things."

"Is video analysis one of them?"

"Possibly. If you pay me enough, that is-"

Eric removed a check from his jacket pocket.

"Ten thousand dollars." he announced.

"The footage, please."

Eric reached back into his jacket pocket and removed a flash drive.

TEN MINUTES LATER:

"Freeze the frame- aha! This 'Jem' woman's using holography in her act-" Techrat began.

"So she's a hologram?" Eric interrupted.

"Not necessarily. More likely, she's using it to augment her performance. Probably special effects, nothing to write home about."

"You sure? I'm pretty sure I saw her flicker a little bit-"

"Could be you made a bad recording. You know how it is these days with video scramblers."

"Alright, so she's using holograms. I didn't see any equipment on stage, and Jem was a last-minute arrival, so she couldn't have set up that sort of equipment in such a short time."

Techrat smirked.

"She may not have needed to. Devices are shrinking, Mister Raymond, and hologram emitters are no exception. Of course, I've got a little something that for that, but it's still in beta for now. I'll contact you when it's good to go."


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: A Star Is Born

THREE DAYS LATER

MACARTHUR PARK, LOS ANGELES:

Jem bit her nails as she and the Holograms walked onto the stage. The stakes ran high- the winner got a whole music company, while the loser was pretty much out of luck.

_Let's do this_. she thought.

"Good morning, everyone. I thought we'd start out with something a little upbeat- any requests?"

One of the audience rose from his seat.

"_Messing With The Best_ by Miracle of Sound!" he shouted.

"Any others?"

Silence.

"Well, let's do it. Hit it, Holograms!"

Aja began the song on the keyboard as Jem walked up to the microphone.

"_Growl! I'm a black cat bounding/so you best not cramp my style! Prowl! From the shining mountains to the fiery isles/with a wink and a smile!_" she sang.

Cheers roared from the crowd.

"_Blinded by my light/vigor in my hands! The joy is in the fight/break the blessed and the damned!_"

Applause echoed from the fans.

"_Watch out, because I'm tearing through! The world is turning black and blue! Bursting with color I spin! I'm gliding on a wave of grace/I'm riding, don't ya break my pace! Built up a hairway to Heaven, now I'm breaking in!_"

The crowd was silent for a brief moment.

"_HEY HEY HEY! Time to put your mettle to the test now! (ba-ba-ba-doo!) Hey hey hey! Don't you know you're messin' with the best now?_"

The crowd went wild in a frenzy of applause and cheers.

* * *

FOUR MINUTES LATER:

"And now, the Misfits."

Pizzazz gripped her guitar as if she had every intention of throttling the instrument to death. Her blood boiled as if it were molten steel coursing through her veins, and a steady stream of subvocal profanity spewed from her lips like bullets from a Thompson gun. She grabbed the mike and grinned a psychotic grin.

"You've heard the Holograms. You've heard every syllable of their little cover of some Irish singer whose discography revolves around video games. Him, I have respect for. The Holograms, not so much. Their saccharine bubblegum is a boil on modern music. And I think it's obvious whose fault it is. You. Yes, you. The audience of this show."

"Pizzazz, please-" Stormer began.

"You sycophantic worms will buy anything dished out to you. They told you that garbage was gold. Just like if some two-bit hack music critic had said something was good or bad, you'll believe them instantly. So go on. Continue being the mindless, dreary-eyed-"

"Pizzazz, I'm warning you. Shut your gob or I'll make you shut it." Roxy growled, clenching her fist to emphasize her point.

Pizzazz gulped.

"Sorry about that, everyone. Pizzazz is just overtired, that's all. Now, let's give you a _bona fide_ classic. Let's run away with _I Love Rock and Roll_." Stormer announced.

Pizzazz's expression shifted to something less sinister and unpleasant.

"Fine. Maybe we'll win."

Roxy began to strum the song's opening chords.

"_I saw him dancing there by the record machine/I knew he must have been about seventeen. The beat was going strong/playing my favorite song. And I could tell it wouldn't be long till he was with me, yeah me/And I could it wouldn't be long till he was with me, yeah me._"

Pizzazz turned to Stormer.

"Hit it."

"_Singing, I love rock and roll!/So put another dime in the jukebox, baby! I love rock and roll/so come take your time and dance with me! OW!_"

* * *

AN HOUR LATER:

"The winner is…Jem and the Holograms." the judge announced.

Pizzazz gritted her teeth as her rivals walked up onto the stage.

"Son of a bitch." she muttered.

Jem grinned slightly as she took the corporate charter for Starlight Music before putting it in her purse.

"We won. We actually won!" she whispered to Kimber.

"Yeah, but how-"

"I've got a plan."

"Let's just go home and break the good news." Kimber replied.

Just then, a man walked up and tapped Jem's shoulder.

"Yes?" she asked.

The man extended his hand.

"Howard E. Sands, at your service."

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Sands, but we really should be going-"

"I just wanted to let you know that you've won something else-"

Jem stopped and turned around.

"What?"

"Well, it's a mansion of mine-"

"I can't accept."

"Please do."

Jem shrugged.

"Make the deed out to Jessica Benton." she requested.

"Yes, ma'am."


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11: A New Start

"You have got to be kidding…" Jessica muttered as the car pulled up to the Starlight House.

Aja's eyes went wide as saucers as she looked upon the scene. A large portion of the house had collapsed in on itself in their absence. The front lawn was occupied by the Starlight girls, Rio, and Mrs. Bailey.

"What happened?" Jessica asked.

"I think the foundation finally gave out." Mrs. Bailey replied.

"Is everyone okay?"

"Yes. But we've got to find a new building-"

"Already got one. Howard E. Sands gave the Holograms one of his mansions, and the deed's in my name. All we need to do is move in and set up shop."

"I understand, but where do we stay in the meantime?" Rio asked.

"I…I…I don't know." Jessica stammered.

"Sis, let's just get the girls moved into the new place." Kimber piped up.

"But the paperwork-"

"We'll cross that bridge when we get there."


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12: Cleaning House

"Alright, _Jessica_. You win. You can have Starlight Records. But me- I'm taking the money with me." Eric growled.

"What-"

"I'm leaving and taking the Misfits. We're going to start our own company."

As if on cue, Pizzazz, Stormer and Roxy walked in.

"That's right- we'll start our own label!" Pizzazz sneered.

"With blackjack and hookers!" Roxy added.

"And greater creative lib-" Stormer began.

Eric Raymond glared viciously at the blue-haired Misfit.

"Look, you've got another few weeks on your contract. Can't you three stick-"

Eric and the Misfits got up and left.

"-it out?" Jessica finished, feeling the beginnings of a headache.

Surveying the empty room, Jessica reached into her desk and removed an old tape player. Next to it lay a cassette labeled "MY FIRST MIXTAPE- JERRICA BENTON, AGE SIX. 06/01/1997."

_Good times_. she thought as she put the headphones to her ears and hit "Play".

"_A place where nobody dared to go/the love that we came to know/they call it Xanadu!_" she sang as the tape played.

* * *

"So, how are we going to start our own label?" Stormer asked as the Misfits left the Starlight Building.

Eric Raymond hemmed and hawed, trying to dance around the question.

"Where are we going to get the starting capital?" she continued.

Pizzazz reached into her purse and removed a cell phone.

"Hello, daddy dearest. It's me, your darling daughter." she spoke.

* * *

GABOR MANSION, BEVERLEY HILLS:

"Phyllis, you've got me at a bad time. _Masterpiece Theatre_ is on, and it's the Patrick Stewart version of _Macbeth_-"

"_Dad, I need a music label. It's work related this time, I swear._"

"Very well, Phyllis. Just give me a few days for the paperwork."


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13: To Sea

"And…done!" Rio announced.

Jessica wiped her forehead. It had taken days to move everything into the new Starlight Mansion, but it was complete.

"So, how do you want to spend the rest of the day, Jessica? Go down to Santa Monica, maybe?"

"I'm exhausted. I was just planning on watching _Dragnet_-"

Just then, one of the Starlight girls bolted in with an envelope in her hand.

"Thanks, Ba Nee."

Jessica opened the envelope and looked over its contents:

_Dear Miss Benton:_

_Being the savvy woman that I am, I have heard about the Holograms and that your company maintains their contract. As such, I hereby invite you and your associates to a brief cruise out of Santa Catalina. The yacht leaves at 8:00 PM tonight. Dress runs from business-casual to formal._

_Cordially:_

_Countess Danielle du Voisin_

Meanwhile, a small photography drone hovered outside a nearby window. From across a nearby hedge, in a neighboring mansion, Pizzazz looked on in glee as an image of the invitation materialized on her tablet.

"Ladies, we've got a yacht party to crash!" she exclaimed.

* * *

LATER THAT NIGHT:

"Ah, Miss Jessica Benton. A pleasure to meet you."

"Likewise, Countess."

The two shook hands.

"So, why invite me to this sort of event?" Jessica asked

"_Mademoiselle,_ I am a patron of the finer things in life. That, and I wish to strike a deal with you."

Jessica and du Voisin sat down.

"What sort of deal?"

Danielle smiled.

"Regine, are you done with Miss Benton's friend?"

At that moment, Shana and another woman with a similar dark skin tone entered the cabin.

"Hello?" Jessica piped up.

"Miss Benton, allow me to introduce you to a dear friend of mine- Regine Cesaire."

Shana and Regine shook hands and took their seats.

"So, what's this deal you're offering?" Jessica asked.

"It's simple. If it's not too much trouble, I'd like it if some of your artists did some occasional modeling for us. In exchange, Regine and I can be of assistance to your friend Shana."

The young black seamstress looked around the room in apprehension.

"Do we have a deal, Jessica?"

"Yes, Countess."

"Call me Danielle."

The two women rose and shook hands.

"Now then, let me introduce you to some of your fellow guests." Danielle announced.

* * *

Jessica nodded and followed her host up onto the deck, scanning the crowd. Danielle approached a man with auburn hair and a navy-blue greatcoat. Standing near him was a bearded man in a mustard-colored waistcoat. Both wore khaki pants and were holding glasses of whiskey.

"Doctors Derek Bright and Jonathan Matthew Slattery of the Earth Corps, meet Jessica Benton of Starlight Records."

Jessica smiled slightly as she shook the two's hands.

"Haven't we met already?" she asked.

"Yes, at your father's funeral." Bright answered.

"Well, it's a pleasure to meet you under less depressing circumstances." Jessica continued.

"Likewise, Miss Benton." Slattery piped up.

* * *

Meanwhile, Aja and Kimber were loitering somewhere else on the deck when a young blond woman approached them.

"Hello there." the woman announced.

"Who are you?" Aja asked.

"Vivien Montgomery."

"Who?" Kimber asked.

"Vivien Montgomery- one of the newest rising stars in music video directing. Surely you've heard of me."

"Can't say that I have."

Montgomery bit her lip.

"Great- what'll it take for me to get a job in this town? All I ask is for one shot-"

Kimber grinned.

"Listen, you've got yourself a gig. Come over to Starlight Music sometime soon, and we'll see what we can do."

* * *

Just then, the sound of a motor filled the air.

"What the-" Bright began.

As if on cue, two of the Misfits hoisted themselves up onto the deck.

"Alright, everyone! Give us your watches an' stuff!" Roxy shouted.

Pizzazz leaned over and slapped her coworker.

"A yacht party? How gauche. Allow me to liven things up!"

As if to punctuate her pronouncement, she began to very slowly strip.

"Get off my property." Danielle ordered, her voice taking on a steely edge.

"Make me." Pizzazz retorted, her top now partially loose.

As if on cue, a jet of water splashed across her.

"Who- what-"

Bright and Slattery quietly snickered, the latter hiding a squirt gun under the former's coat.

"Now leave!" Jessica shouted.

"Fine. I'll leave. Come on, Roxy- let's go."

Roxy grumbled all the way back to the boat, and soon the roar of the motor echoed throughout the night.

"Let no one speak of this again." someone piped up.

Nods came from the crowd.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Time for the first fanart challenge! The challenge for this chapter is: draw Derek Bright and Liquidator (Jonathan Slattery) in the outfits they're described as wearing in this chapter. Once you've drawn them, put the pictures up on your art website of choice and send me a link by PM. Happy drawing, and expect more fanart challenges in the future!


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14: New Arrivals, Part 1

FOUR WEEKS LATER:

"Oh. _You're_ back." the club waitress snarked as Eric Raymond walked in.

"Don't give me lip. I'm back for more music-"

"Gee, I wonder why. Oh, I don't know, maybe it's so you can take our _new_ house band away, like you did with the Misfits!"

Raymond glowered as he took his seat, the sounds of a saxophone echoing through the club.

"Who's the player?" he asked.

"Some Brit brat calling herself Jetta. Came in here a couple weeks ago, worked up a tab worthy of Mickey Cohen, and then went on some spiel about how she was related to the Queen and that she didn't need to pay-" the waitress answered.

"And did she ever pay?"

"She's paying it right now. Listen, bud, I wouldn't dare try and pick her up for whatever you've got going. She's in deep with the Yaks, and on nights she plays, our customers report more stolen wallets than normal-"

"Where's the club manager?"

The waitress turned around.

"Tell Miss Weaver that the same sucker that took the Misfits wants Jetta!"

* * *

"So, you're Eric Raymond."

Eric pulled at his cravat as the club manager, one Miss Weaver, circled around him. She was a tall, lean sort- the kind of woman you wouldn't want to mess with in a dark alley. The smell of burnt lettuce wafted on her breath, while a vial of caffeine pills lay on her desk. Her brown hair came down to her ears, while her blue-gray eyes stared deep into Raymond's soul. An old kimono, the colors long faded, did nothing for her appearance.

"Yes."

Weaver leaned in and slapped him across the face.

"That's for taking the Misfits, you son of a bitch!"

"What-"

"Those three kept this place on the up-and-up. Now I'm letting a thief do their job, and she's in deep with the Yaks! You know what- you can have her! I'm not waking up at 3 in the morning to see well-dressed Japanese men who tell me to pay her debts because 'it'd be a shame if something happened to my club' again! I'm mad as Hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore! Take Jetta! Get that Limey bitch out of my club, and if you so much as glance at the house band again-"

Weaver leaned in with a penknife.

"I'll cut your balls off and feed them to the cat!" she finished.

"Point taken." Eric whimpered, his clothes soaked with sweat.

* * *

GABOR MANSION:

"Roxy…you magnificent bastard…I READ YOUR BOOK!" Pizzazz shouted, her head poking through the canopy of a golf cart.

As if on cue, a golf ball soared through the air and bounced off Pizzazz's Army helmet.

"Try an' get me!" came the retort.

"Private Stormer- advance!"

The golf cart remained still.

"I said advance!"

Pizzazz looked down and saw that Stormer was no longer in the driver's seat.

"Stormer, where are you?"

Another golf ball bounced off Pizzazz's helmet.

"Cease fire! One of our own is MIA!" she cried.

Roxy grumbled as she turned off the golf ball launcher and walked toward the golf cart.

* * *

"So, how's your life going?" Stormer asked, leaning over the hedge that separated the Gabor and Benton properties.

"Adequately. Apart from your cohorts' antics, I haven't much to complain about." Kimber answered.

"So, do you ever feel unappreciated by your own bandmates?"

"Sort of. I mean, out of all the times you three have made mischief, you've usually sat it out-"

Just then, Pizzazz's golf cart rolled over the horizon.

"You get back to your post, Private Stormer! And stop fraternizing with the enemy!"

"Hey, this is a neutral zone! You can't do this-"

Roxy glowered at her bandmate.

"Same time next week?" Stormer asked as she walked away.

"Sure!"

* * *

"So, what do we watch tonight?" Stormer asked as she situated herself on the couch.

"_The Thing!_" Roxy piped up.

"_Dune_." Pizzazz replied.

"You just want to watch it because of Kyle MacLachlan, don't you?"

"No, Stormer. It's because that if we walk without rhythm, we won't attract the worm." Pizzazz replied.

"Yeah, and if we see _The Thing_, Roxy'll get it into her head to give us all blood tests with hot wires."

"So, what do you want to watch?" Roxy asked.

Stormer grinned and pulled a brightly colored DVD case out from the shelf.

"_Xanadu_."

97 MINUTES LATER:

"The hell did we just see?" Pizzazz asked.

Just then, the front door opened, and heavy footsteps echoed from above the mansion's home theatre.

"Roxy, you still have that .357 from your 'wild days', don't you?"

"Yeah."

"Well, now might be a good time to get it out of the safe."

"_Oi! Where're me new coworkers, Raymond?_" a voice called from above.

Pizzazz walked up the stairs and peeked out from behind a corner. There, in the middle of kitchen, was a woman about her age with black hair and a ratty Union Jack tee. Her leather pants and jacket were scuffed with weapons marks, while her dingy combat boots seemed to be held together solely through a mixture of parachute cord and electrical tape. Eric Raymond stood next to her.

"Pizzazz, get your bandmates up here. This is Jetta, and she's going to be playing saxophone with you three."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

Pizzazz's little "I READ YOUR BOOK" moment is a reference to _Patton_.

Combat boots can be cobbled into working order with parachute cord, as I learned from personal observation in the Canadian boundary waters a few years ago (one of my fellow travelers on that trip had bought foreign-made jungle boots, which fell apart early on the trip. He repaired them _in extremis_ using parachute cord).

And yes, this version of Jetta's in deep with the Yakuza. That'll be important later on, trust me.

And if you're wondering why there's a _Dune_ reference, it's sneaky foreshadowing of something in _The Evil Below_. No, I'm not specifying what exactly, beyond it involving sandworms and GI Joe.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15: New Arrivals, Part 2

"Sorry, but I can't continue drumming. It's not my specialty, and I'm better suited for bass guitar."

"Very well, Shana. Anyone else want to change instruments?" Jessica asked.

Aja and Kimber shot up their hands.

"I'll take lead guitar. Kimber can have the keyboard." the former announced.

Jessica winced.

"Great, we're short a drummer. Looks like we're going to need to hold a talent search."

* * *

STARLIGHT BUILDING

TWO DAYS LATER:

"How many contenders have we got?" Jessica asked.

"Two. A girl named Carmen Alonso on the one hand, and a guy called Craig Phillips on the other." Kimber answered.

"Tell Miss Alonso she's up first. As for me, I'm going to get you-know-who."

Kimber nodded.

* * *

Carmen Alonso looked at her image in the dressing room mirror. Her makeup was immaculate, her clothes were well-adjusted, and she was ready to start the audition. Just then, her cellphone rang.

"_Raya! How's my little drummer girl?_"

"Fine, _papi._ I'm going to start my audition in a few minutes."

"_Good to hear, my child! Tell me how you did when it's over!_"

"Bye."

Jessica entered the dressing room and scanned around, detecting nobody.

"Showtime, Synergy." she whispered.

Out of the corner of her eye, Raya witnessed as Jessica Benton transformed into Jem. Reflexively, she silenced a gasp, redoubling her focus on inspecting her makeup.

* * *

"Alright, Windows. Let's get this audition going. Play it." Jem announced.

In his booth, the Starlight A/R man fished out a CD labeled "Freedom of Choice".

"_Ladies, rejoice. Windows stands on high, playing Track 3._" he snarked as he booted up the CD player.

Raya grabbed her drumsticks and began playing, hitting the right notes one after another as Devo's "Whip It" played in the recording studio. The other Holograms played right alongside her, as if they had already made their choice in who would be the new drummer.

* * *

"So, you'll tell me if I got the job?" Raya asked as she prepared to leave.

"That's right, Miss Alonso." Jessica answered.

"Call me Raya. Everyone does."

While Raya and Jessica were talking, Windows skulked in the background. His hand dove into Raya's purse and fished out her wallet. His phone camera flashed, and he obtained a picture of her driver's license. Once he had what he needed, the wallet fell back into the purse.

"_Hasta luego_!" Raya exclaimed as she walked out of the Starlight building.

* * *

As soon as he was sure that the coast was clear, Windows ran to the men's restroom and whipped out his phone.

"Hey, Mister Raymond."

"_What is it, Windows?_"

"Looks like the Holograms have themselves a new drummer- a Latina named Carmen Alonso. Lives on-"

Windows examined the image.

"1987 Marx Street. And I think she knows Jem's secret."

"_Very well, Windows. You've done a good job. I'll pay you a bonus for this._"

"Great, chief. See you around."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Raya's address is a reference to _Jem_ creator Christy Marx and the year that the character first appeared in. Also, Windows is a reference to the character of the same name from John Carpenter's _The Thing_.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16: New Arrivals, Part 3

The telephone rang.

"Misfits- Pizzazz speaking. If this is Eric Raymond-"

"_It is._"

"Well, then. I want to let you know that I want Jetta out as soon as poss-"

"_Quit being such a diva! I was going to tell you that the Holograms are short a drummer-_"

"So what?"

"_They seem to have found a replacement, but she's not signed the contract yet._"

"Let me guess- you want us to poach her over to our side."

"_Yes._ _Now get me Jetta_."

"Hey, Brit-brat! The boss wants to talk with you!"

Jetta emerged from a nearby room and took the phone.

"Yeah, what's the deal?"

"_I need you to do something for me…underhanded._"

"What?"

"_I understand you're familiar with a certain ethnic portion of the Los Angeles underworld._"

"Oh, so you want to deal with the Yakuza?"

"_It's not much. I just need some people to trash a greenhouse._"

"I can do that for free!"

"_In that case, here's the address…_"

* * *

THAT NIGHT:

"Well, that wasn't too 'ard. Might as well get a memento." Jetta snarked as she surveyed the carnage she had left.

The new Misfit's face contorted into a wicked smile as she eyed an orchid.

"You'll do just fine…"

* * *

"This is a good neighborhood, officer. Why would anyone do such a thing to a man such as me?"

"Was the greenhouse insured?"

"_Si_, but it will take time to repair it. Promise me that you will find the ones responsible."

"We will, Mr. Alonso."

* * *

"Hello. Carmen Alonso speaking."

"_Hello there, miss Alonso_."

"Who the hell are you?"

"_My name is Eric Raymond, and I represent Misfits Music. I heard about what happened to your family's greenhouse-_"

"What do you know about it?"

"_Nothing apart from that it happened. Anyways, I have an offer to make. If you sign on with me, I'll pay any necessary expenses- repairs, lost income, and so on._"

"But I already have an offer from Starli-"

"_Come on, Carmen. Do you really want to play with Jem and croon about _friendship _and _good will _all the time_? _Besides, I have a nagging suspicion that you know who Jem_ really _is-_"

"Goodbye, _Senor_ Raymond."

Raya hung up and sighed.

* * *

"Anyone seen Brit-brat or Stormer?" Pizzazz asked as she entered the living room.

Haven't seen the boss's new pick since this morning. As for Stormer, she just left- said she had family business."

"Thanks for nothing, Roxy."

Pizzazz settled down onto the couch and turned her gaze toward the television set. On the screen was Eric's latest press conference.

"_And now, the newest member of the Misfits. England's loss is our gain- Jetta._"

As the camera panned over to its new subject, Roxy and Pizzazz found their gaze drawn to a flower in her hair.

"Do you think-"

"Could be a coincidence, but we should ask Stormer."

* * *

"It's good to see you again, Mary."

Stormer grinned as she looked across the table at her brother Craig.

"Likewise. It's been five years too many since we last saw each other. I blame myself."

"Don't, Craig. Whatever it was, it probably wasn't your fault."

"You're right. It probably wasn't. So, I heard you made it big in the music world. You and the- the-"

"Misfits."

"Yeah, that's it. The Misfits."

Craig cleared this throat.

"_We're the Misfits/Our songs are better!_" he sang.

Just then, Stormer's phone went off.

"Sorry, but I've got to take a call."

"No problem, sis."

Stormer rose from her chair and exited the dining area.

"Hello."

"_Hey, Stormer. Did you give Jetta a flower or something earlier today?_"

"No. Come to think of it, I haven't seen her at all. Why do you ask?"

"_Just a hunch._"

* * *

LAWSON MILK BAR, VENICE BEACH:

Raya looked up from her milkshake at the television screen, catching Eric Raymond's press conference. Before her eyes was the new Misfit, with a flower in her hair.

_Madre de Dios- that's one of ours!_

Just then, her phone rang.

"Hello."

"_Miss Alonso, this is Rebecca Gibson, from Human Resources at Starlight Music. We just wanted to let you know that you passed your audition with flying colors. If it's not too much trouble, would you mind dropping by the office around nine tomorrow morning?_"

"You have a deal."


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17: New Arrivals, Part 4

"_Hey, boss man. This is Windows. Just to let you know, talk around the Starlight water cooler is about Carmen Alonso. Looks like she's signed on with the Holograms-_"

Eric Raymond cut off the message and bit his lip in anger when his office phone rang.

"Yes?"

"_Señor Raymond, we need to talk._"

"Oh, it's you. Well-"

"_You owe my father money. $20,000 in damages for what your new addition to the Misfits did to our greenhouse._"

"How can you be sure she-"

"_She had one of our orchids in her hair at your press conference._"

"Now see here-"

"_Señor Raymond, this is Joseph Alonso, the owner of that greenhouse. Either you pay for the damages, or I take you and your starlet to court._" a man announced.

"You can't be-"

"_I am very serious. We can settle this here and now, or we can let the judge settle it. Your choice._"

"Fine. I'll pay your damages."

"_Good to hear._"

* * *

STARLIGHT MUSIC

BREAK ROOM:

"Welcome to the Holograms, Raya."

Raya stared at Jem.

"I'm not sure I'm cut out-"

"Believe me, you are. You can do this."

"You just want me because I know who you really are, _señora_ Benton."

The hologram cut out, and Jessica was standing there.

"Raya, you made it to our top two contenders. If you made that far, you are cut out for the Holograms. Please say yes."

Raya sighed.

"I'll join."


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18: Dedication Disaster, Part 1

"_I look into your eyes/and I go on a journey-_"

The music cut out.

"Alright, Windows. What's going on?" Jem asked.

"_Sorry to cut you off, ladies, but front desk says there's someone here to see Miss Benton._"

"I'll tell her myself."

Jem checked her watch.

"Alright, everyone break for lunch. We'll pick up in an hour or two."

And with that, Jem walked out of the studio and around a corner.

"Show's over, Synergy."

And with that, the hologram disappeared, leaving only Jessica behind.

* * *

"So you're Miss Benton."

"That's right. And you are-"

"Sandra Shore, of the Shore Foundation. I came to ask if I could get the Holograms for an event."

"What sort of event?"

"The Shore Museum's unveiling a new exhibit- the Big Sur Monolith. I thought that if the Holograms played, it'd draw in more people."

"When's this unveiling?"

"Friday of next week."

Jessica thought for a moment.

"Deal. I'll let Jem know."

The two women shook hands.

* * *

"A museum event? What are you- five years old?"

Stormer glared daggers at Jetta.

"I happen to _like_ museums. Anyone else want to back me up?"

Silence.

"Well, _I'm_ going. Anyone else wish to join?"

Pizzazz raised her hand.

"Sure. Anything to just get away from Brit-brat sounds like a good idea."

"Yankee toff!"

* * *

"So, what's on the playlist?" Kimber asked.

"_Weird Science_, _It's A Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow, Night on Bald Mountain_-"

"Only three songs?"

"Raya, this is going to be one of those times when we're just showing up to get a paycheck. I mean, this is a big event- they've probably already booked an orchestra or something else a bit more dignified than us."

The Holograms collectively nodded.

"So, when do we start?"

"Tomorrow. Meantime, let's just get _Aztec Enchantment_ in the can."


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19: Dedication Disaster, Part 2

SHORE MUSEUM

SAN FRANCISCO:

The amber monolith loomed large over the night's proceedings, exuding an aura of apprehension over the crowd.

"What the hell's in that thing?" Pizzazz asked.

"I have no idea." came Stormer's response.

Before Pizzazz could make any witty retort, Sandra Shore stepped before the podium.

"_Before we officially add this find to our collection_-"

_Get on with it, woman_! Pizzazz thought.

Sandra continued her spiel, introducing the audience to the men of Earth Corps.

"_Doctor Herc Armstrong…Doctor Derek Bright…Edward Augutter…Doctor Jonathan M. Slattery…_"

Sandra paused, and the speakers began to play "Hell's Bells". In the confusion, the last member of Earth Corps marched up onto the stage, his army fatigues and cargo pants contrasting sharply with his besuited comrades.

"_And showing up late is one Marcus Fischer, better known as "Bombardier". His specialties include the operation of small arms, handling explosives, cooking, and combat engineering._"

Pizzazz lustily watched as Bombardier walked up to the mic.

"_Good evening, ladies n' gents! It is my pleasure to officially present this here chunk of petrified pine resin to the Shore_-"

A low rumbling noise cut Bombardier off. Pizzazz turned around in her chair and looked up. There, rising out of the San Francisco Bay, was a colossal monster that bore an uncanny resemblance to Cthulhu. And in that moment, she screamed.

* * *

From her seat, Jessica Benton watched as the men of Earth Corps ran off the stage and the monster drew closer. Kimber had already assumed the fetal position, and was rocking herself in terror.

"What's it doing?" Raya asked.

"It's…coming for something." Aja replied

The sounds of splintering wood and bending metal filled the air as the monster approached the amber monolith. Once it was within grabbing distance, a single tendril wrapped around the monolith and cracked it open like a walnut, exposing an undead reptilian biped.

"_D'Compose_!" it screamed.

* * *

"Stormer! Stormer!"

Pizzazz crawled around in the wreckage of the pavilion where she and Stormer had been sitting.

"Mary! _Damn it, answer me!_"

"O-over here."

Pizzazz's head turned. There, pinned beneath a wooden beam, was Stormer.

"Help me…"

Adrenaline-fueled strength kicked in, and Pizzazz lifted the beam off her bandmate.

"Easy there, Stormer. Everything-"

Pizzazz's hand ran across the back of Stormer's head, and it came back damp.

"JESUS CHRIST, STORMER! We're getting out of here-"

"Can't…giant monsters…"

Pizzazz looked up through a hole in what was left of the roof, and saw a looming undead form.

"We can make it. All we need to do is walk without rhythm, and we won't attract the worm."

"But…it's not very…wormy…"

Stormer passed out.

"Screw it- we're getting out of here!"

Pizzazz thrust her body upward, hoping to dislodge the remnants of the pavilion roof to no avail. Curses flowed freely from her lips as she leaned over her bandmate's unconscious form.

"Somebody help us!" she cried.

As if on cue, green hydraulic digging claws cut through the roof, and a large blue suit of power armor loomed above the two women.

"_Go! Go!_" the figure within the suit ordered.

Pizzazz felt her arms wrap around Stormer's back as she carried her out bridal style.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that leads to obliteration. I will permit it to pass over me and through me." she muttered as she ran across the ruined museum grounds.

"And when it is gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." Stormer finished, briefly perking up.

Tears of joy streaked down Pizzazz's face as she approached the Misfits' tour van.

"Come on, Stormer. Don't die on me."

* * *

Jessica steeled her gaze at the reporters flocking towards her as she wrapped herself in an emergency blanket.

"Miss Benton, can you describe what happened-"

"Ask someone else. I'm in no shape or mood for interviews. And don't ask my associates, either."

* * *

ST. FRANCIS MEMORIAL HOSPITAL:

"Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. This facility is already approaching capacity-"

"Do you realize who I am? I'm with the Misfits, and one of my bandmates needs _immediate_ medical care!"

"Lady, I don't care. We're already cutting it close on supplies and space-"

Pizzazz reached into her wallet, pulled out five hundred dollars in cash, and offered it to the clerk.

"Very well. Now, who am I charging this to?"

"I can pay out of pocket."

* * *

MISFITS MUSIC:

"Oh, Eric…it's been too long." a woman declared, her Central European accent flowing smoothly off her tongue.

"I concur, Andrea. Now, let's get g-"

Eric's cellphone rang.

"Who is it?"

"_Boss, it's me, Pizzazz. Stormer and I are going to need some time off-_"

"You won't get any from me!"

"_It's medical leave. She's out with a head injury_."

"Fine. You'll get your leave."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

The woman that Eric Raymond was with was the Baroness. Yes, _that_ Baroness. Yes, the one you're thinking of- glasses, black bodysuit, and loyal to Cobra Commander. And yes, COBRA's going to be showing up.

Now you know what the Holograms were doing the night that the Inhumanoids first attacked. And knowing is half the battle. *_GI JOE!*_

And before anyone asks why Pizzazz didn't recognize D'Compose in _The Evil Below_, here's the answer: enough time passed between the first Inhumanoid attack and Eric Raymond's little misadventure into Skellweb that she forgot.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20: A Miserable Pile Of Secrets

COBRA ISLAND:

"_BARONESS! REPORT!_"

The Baroness walked into the command center.

"Yes?"

Cobra Commander swiveled around and faced his subordinate, a tabloid in his hand.

"Tell me- do you keep up with these periodicals?"

"No, _mein Herr_."

"Then allow me to inform you that _YOU MADE THE FRONT PAGE OF COOL TRASH MAGAZINE!_"

A low chuckling was heard from across the room.

"_SHUT UP, DESTRO!_"

The Baroness could swear she heard Cobra Commander's spittle hit the inside of his mask.

"_WE'VE GOT A REPUTATION TO MAINTAIN!_ The name of COBRA is supposed to strike fear into the hearts of men! _YOUR TRYST WITH ERIC RAYMOND- GAAH!_ _EVEN MY OWN LIEUTENANTS ARE IDIOTS!_"

In his fit of rage, the Commander swung the rolled-up tabloid and hit a nearby Viper with it.

"You there! Get me Eric Raymond on the comm!" he yelled to another Viper.

* * *

MISFITS MUSIC:

"Telephone, Mister Raymond."

Eric slumped towards his desk, his head pounding in pain.

"Hello."

"_So, you're Eric Raymond._"

"Who is this?"

"_I'm Cobra Commander, you tool!_"

"What do you want?"

"_You read _Cool Trash_?_"

"No."

"_Well, THERE'S A PICTURE OF YOU FRENCHING THE BARONESS ON THE FRONT PAGE!_"

"Your point?"

"_I need you to do some things for us. First- PAY YOUR MEMBERSHIP DUES! YOU'RE FOUR MONTHS BEHIND!_"

"Got it."

"_Second- I've got a cunning plan to create new recruits, and I need your services._"

"I understand."

"_Good. Now, I'll be seeing you soon. DON'T DISAPPOINT ME!_"

"Yes, sir. Hail you, sir."

The phone hung up.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21: Cry Cobra, Part 1

"So, I was thinking about last year…" Cobra Commander began.

Destro cradled his head.

"Yes, we know your birthday's coming up. We've just decided not to celebrate it."

"Hear me out! I was thinking that maybe this year, we could do something a bit more…estrogen infused."

"Like what?"

"Lure the Holograms _and_ the Misfits here and have them play in a battle of the bands!"

"Commander, that is by far the _dumbest_ plan you've ever come up with. It's up there with trying to destroy the ozone layer to sell sunscreen." The Baroness snarked.

"Petty? Yes. Stupid? Possibly. Simple? Most definitely- all we need are to send the invitations and offer a large paycheck."

* * *

STARLIGHT MUSIC

LOS ANGELES:

"Welcome to Starlight, Vivien." Jessica announced.

The blonde director grinned.

"Call me Video, 'cause that's what I'll be doing." came her reply.

Just then, Kimber walked in from the mail room.

"Hey! Someone's hiring us for a private concert on their own island in the South Pacific!"

Video tilted her head.

"Long story. In the meantime, let's get you settled in."

* * *

GABOR MANOR:

"Oy! Someone's askin' us to do a private concert on an island in the South Pacific!" Jetta piped up, brandishing the invitation in her hand.

Pizzazz squinted at the envelope.

"Stormer, how's our calendar look?"

"Clear for the next few weeks-"

"Well, let's see who's asking for us and for how much."


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22: Cry Cobra, Part 2

MAC _TICONDEROGA_

LOS ANGELES HARBOR:

"What are you doing here?" Jem asked.

"Same question could be asked of you." came Pizzazz's reply.

"Let me guess- you got a request to do a private concert by someone based out of the South Pacific." Aja piped up.

Roxy nodded.

"Well, a paycheck's a paycheck. Might as well go ahead with this." Stormer muttered.

The nine musicians and Rio turned towards the waiting aircraft and boarded.

"What's up with these restraints? Looks like something out of a spaceship?" Shana asked.

"_Welcome aboard Charlie Alpha One Niner Eight Two from Los Angeles to Cobra Island. All passengers be aware that this is a semi ballistic flight. If you have a heart condition or are pregnant, please be aware that we will be experiencing rapid acceleration and free-fall for a significant portion of the flight._"

"What's semi-ballistic mean?" Roxy asked.

Aja grinned a wicked grin.

"Means we take off and land like an airplane, but fly like a missile."

"Bloody 'ell! Whose idea was it to have a nuclear warhead and a commercial airliner have a similar flight path?" Jetta commented.

The intercom dinged again.

"_All passengers- fasten your restraints and stand by for acceleration. We are taking off now_."

In the passenger cabin, there was a low rush of acceleration as the plane took off. Outside, it was a different scene altogether as the carrier's steam catapult launched the aircraft off the deck.

"Well, this is a lot like a normal airliner-" Stormer began.

Before she could finish her statement, the plane pitched itself nearly upright.

"This isn't-" Raya began.

The ten passengers were slammed into their seats as high-powered rocket motors kicked in and sent the semi-ballistic soaring upwards.

"And they think _this_ is going to catch on!" Rio muttered.

"Not really. I read in one of those aerospace magazines that the people building these things are looking to use them for long-distance high-speed freight." Aja replied.

"It's almost as if people don't want to ride in something that flies like a ballistic missile!" came the retort.

Pizzazz turned her head and stared out the window. There, she watched as the sky turned from blue to black and the curvature of the Earth materialized. As if on cue, she felt herself slightly float out of her seat.

"Whoa." she whispered.

Suddenly, the sensation of gravity returned as the aircraft reentered Earth's atmosphere and began its descent towards Cobra Island. Within a few minutes, it had landed on the tarmac of the island's "civil" airport.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

I got the idea of the semi-ballistic airliner from _Shadowrun_. Yes, I know it's probably not the most cost-effective method of travel- but it's _awesome_.

MAC is an abbreviation for "merchant aircraft carrier". They're what they sound like and were primarily used by Britain in World War II. As for why one's featured here- it'd probably be a _lot_ safer for something like a semi ballistic vehicle to launch over water near a populated area, since if something were to go catastrophically wrong, there would be fewer victims if the disaster happened over water than if it went wrong over a populated area.

If you're confused why it takes such a short time for the Holograms and the Misfits to get to Cobra Island, here's the reasoning behind that:

Using the Solomon Islands as a point of reference, Cobra Island is roughly 6,000 miles away from Los Angeles. Mach 30 is roughly 22,831 miles per hour. (6,000/22,831)(60)= approximately 16 minutes flight time. Or if you want to be precise about it, approximately 15 minutes, 45 seconds. And if you're wondering how I did it, I just looked up the necessary information and then punched it into a calculator.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23: Cry Cobra, Part 3

The passenger cabin door swung open, and Jem emerged into the tropical sun that bathed the island. Nearby were several men in identical blue uniforms.

"Hello?"

Just then, the mass of men parted as a man with a featureless mask kept in place with a blue helmet appeared.

"Welcome to Cobra Island!" he announced.

Something clicked in Jem's mind.

"Wait a second…you're-"

"That's right! I'm _COBRA COMMANDER_!"

As if on cue, Rio barged out of the assembled guests and kicked Cobra Commander in the shins. Unsurprisingly, the uniformed men swiveled around and aimed their rifles at him.

"Vipers, stand down! We don't want to harm our guests!"

"Guests? We're your _guests_?" Pizzazz asked, her voice thick with sarcasm.

"Of course you're my guests! I invited you here, and you accepted! Well, except for the one who just called me a liar, but I'm pretty sure he's a roadie or something."

Cobra Commander clapped.

"Vipers! Show our guests to Chateau de Cobra!"

Waiting jeeps idled by the airfield, and both the Holograms and the Misfits piled into them.

* * *

"I still can't believe you accepted my offer!" Cobra Commander proclaimed as the convoy proceeded onward.

"You tricked us!" Rio retorted.

"Did not!"

"All the information you gave us was the date, the location, and how much you'd pay us. Nowhere in there did it say that _Cobra_ was behind it-"

"Well, I was a little stingy with the truth…"

Rio's eyes lit up.

"I hate deception, and I despise liars!"

The Commander turned to Jem.

"What's his job, anyways? Do you keep him around to yell at people?"

"He's our road manager."

* * *

"Great. Just great. We're stuck here with Cobra _and_ the Holograms." Pizzazz muttered.

"Some paycheck this is turning out to be! Why'd we take it?"

"Shut up, Jetta."

"You first, Roxy!"

"Girls, girls, calm down. You're both pretty-"

The two Misfits turned and faced Stormer.

"You know, I was thinking that maybe we could all come out of this as friends-" she continued.

The other Misfits glared at her.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24: Cry Cobra, Part 4

A large white Spanish Colonial Revival building loomed above the COBRA jeeps that were parked in front of it.

"So, this is the Chateau de Cobra." Aja muttered.

Cobra Commander nodded proudly.

"Allow my Vipers to do all the hard work for you kind ladies and your rather uncouth roadie."

Rio glared at the Commander.

"Well, I can see that some people haven't quite worked out their tensions-"

"You don't say." Pizzazz retorted.

"Well, as a sign of good faith- who wants to go check out the firing range?"

Roxy, Rio, and Pizzazz shot up their hands.

"Oh goody!"

The Commander turned to the doorway.

"Destro- take Pizzazz, Roxy, and the Holograms' roadie to the firing range!"

The masked arms dealer emerged from the building with a broad smile on his face.

"Yes, Commander!"

* * *

TEN MINUTES LATER:

The three guests and Destro approached an outbuilding approximately twice as large as an average toolshed.

"Now, before we go onto the range, let's have a look at some of my inventory." the COBRA lieutenant began.

The door swung open, and Destro gestured wildly towards a back wall covered in all manner of armaments.

"Don't be shocked by the tone of my voice- check out a new weapon! Your new weapon of choice!" he proclaimed.

Pizzazz and Rio stared at each other, while Roxy looked like a child on Christmas morning.

"I've something for both sir and lady! You like knives? Got them in abundance- Bowie knives, Swiss Army knives, Ka-Bar knives, daggers, stilettos- you name it, I've got it. You like swords? Got those too- rapiers, katanas, claymores, sabers, and so on. Blades not your fancy? I've got hammers, axes, clubs, batons, tonfas, nunchaku, knuckle dusters, whips, and cattle prods." Destro proclaimed.

"What about guns?" Roxy asked.

"Lassie, I've got all kinds of guns. You want pistols? I've got them- semiautomatics and revolvers alike. You want submachine guns? In stock and ready to go. You want shoulder arms? I've got shotguns and rifles of every make, manufacture, or purpose. I've got guns you've never heard of, like this gyrojet pistol. Every round's a rocket- yeah, I've got rocket guns."

"Whoa."

"You want to feel the power of the gods of war coursing through your body as you hold down the trigger? I've got rocket launchers, grenade launchers, flamethrowers, man-portable miniguns and assault cannons, and of course machine guns. You want something that won't make quite as much noise? I've got bows and arrows. Want someone alive? I've got net guns, sonic emitters, electroshock weaponry, and riot foam launchers. You just want to cut out ballistics altogether? I've got laser beams."

"You have anything besides weapons?" Rio asked.

Destro chuckled.

"Sonny boy, I've got a lot more than those. Body armor? Got it. Body armor too obvious? Well, I've got a nice new line of armored clothing- Ulster coat's to die for, by the way. Got good accessories, too. High-powered sniper rifle in a briefcase- classic. A lot less messy than the rocket launcher. Poison lipstick- got it. Boot and shoe blades- check. Poison needles- what do you think? And of course, I've got countermeasures. Poison-detecting rings, portable metal detectors, chemsniffers, ECM devices- got everything you want or need."

"You going to talk, or are we going to go shoot some guns?" Pizzazz asked.

Destro sighed.

"We're going to shoot some guns. Consider it a try before you buy sort of deal."

The arms dealer clapped.

"Select your weapons. Firing range is out back."

Rio walked up the wall and grabbed a revolver.

"Ruger Super Warhawk. Good choice."

Pizzazz picked up a semiautomatic pistol that looked like the Auto-9 from _RoboCop_.

"Ares Predator. Personal favorite, solid piece of Anglo-German armament. Packs a mean punch- Baroness asked for one as her own personal sidearm, and the recoil damn near made her arm spin right round like a record, baby."

Roxy cackled maniacally as she picked up a shotgun.

"Let's rock." she announced.

* * *

Rio watched as the targets materialized before him and pulled the trigger. His hand trembled slightly with recoil, and he fired five more rounds before putting down the gun. Only two had hit the target.

"Pizzazz."

The Misfits leader grinned as she squeezed the trigger and fired fifteen rounds. Her score turned up- five out of fifteen had made it.

"Roxy."

The platinum blonde smiled as her shotgun fired and the target disintegrated.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

Most of the guns that Destro mentions are from _Shadowrun_. The names are purely referential, and they are not the same as their _Shadowrun_ counterparts.

If you're wondering why Destro talks so much, it's because he's…well, a salesman. He's trying to make a deal with his visitors.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25: Cry Cobra, Part 5

THAT NIGHT:

"So, how was the shooting?" Stormer asked as she worked with Pizzazz's hair.

"Would've been better if Destro kept his mouth shut."

Stormer giggled slightly.

"Get your mind out of the gutter!" Pizzazz teased.

"You're the one who got it in there in the first place!"

"You're incorrigible!"

"No, you!"

"_Just shag already!_" Jetta yelled from another room.

* * *

Jem staggered out the hotel door and into the nearby garden, taking in the tropical night air and sea breezes.

"Show's over, Synergy." she whispered.

The holographic overlay disappeared, and Jessica looked around for a seat.

_Say what you will about COBRA- at least they know how to make a lady feel at home_. she thought as she found a mock-wrought iron bench.

"J? That you?"

Jessica turned around and saw Rio approach her.

"I can ex-"

"I know what I saw. Why didn't you tell me about Jem?"

"It hasn't really been much of a thing until now-"

"Why the smoke and mirrors?"

Jessica gulped.

"Eric Raymond. I was afraid that if he found out, he'd yank my half of the company out from under me. That and I wanted to avoid the paparazzi."

"You should have told me."

"Are-"

"I can't hold it against you, _mon belle ami_."

"Tell me you can keep it a secret."

"I know what I know, and I'm not telling it." Rio promised.

* * *

THE NEXT MORNING:

"Good morning to the both of you. Today is the Commander's birthday, and you will be playing against each other for his entertainment." Destro pronounced.

"What's the winner get?" Pizzazz asked.

"A lifetime half-off discount for any goods you buy from me, plus permanent status as a most valued customer. And that's in addition to the $100 million paycheck for both contestants regardless of whether they win or not. Now go and prepare yourselves."


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26: Cry Cobra, Part 6

THAT NIGHT:

"Come on, Destro! Have a little faith in our guests!" Cobra Commander pleaded.

"Commander, I cannot. I am already having bad memories of last year and Mindbender's stand-up routine."

The Baroness shuddered at the thought.

"Well, they've got more talent than Mindbender." came the Commander's reply.

"That's not saying much. Even the local Christmas pantomime troupe back home had more talent than Mindbender."

* * *

"We're going to get paid either way- let's just go with our greatest hits and knock off for the night." Kimber muttered.

"Yeah, and if we do a bad job, we're liable to end up dead. We're walking on eggshells here, ladies." Aja retorted.

"Look, just because we're getting paid either way doesn't mean we shouldn't give it all we've got. Besides, I've got something new." Jem piped up.

Rio went around with some sheet music and gave it to the other Holograms.

"And let's give it a shot."

* * *

"'ere we go! 'ere we go!" Jetta chanted.

"Cool your jets- we're going to win this one, I'm sure!" Pizzazz retorted.

"Let's just give it our best shot, okay? I mean, we're getting paid either way." Stormer piped up.

* * *

COBRA ISLAND THEATRE:

"And now, live from Cobra Island, the best battle of the bands you've seen in a good long while- and for all you GI Joe types watching, I paid them- Holograms vs. Misfits!" Cobra Commander announced.

"First up- the Holograms!" Destro read.

The Holograms emerged on the stage, and Jem took the mic.

"Thank you all for this. Now, this is something I wrote last night. It's not particularly polished, but- you know what, I'll just play it!"

The audio feed from the performance filled the VIP booth.

"_Who is he kissing? Is it me or is he making love to a fantasy? Who is he kissing? Wish I knew what is he thinking of when he looks into my eyes-_"

"It really pulls at your heartstrings…doesn't it, Destro?" Cobra Commander squealed, his voice wavering.

"I wouldn't know, Commander. I have a Jarvik implant."

"Well, you'd know…Baroness?"

"Long since stopped caring."

"Doesn't anybody here appreciate love anymore?"

Silence filled the booth as the song played on.

"Thank you! Thank you!" Jem proclaimed as applause filled the room.

"_Bravissimo! You win by default! Sorry, Misfits!_" Cobra Commander pronounced.

"Hey- you haven't even heard our act yet!" Roxy retorted.

"_Well, impress us._" Destro replied back.

Pizzazz grinned wickedly.

"Hit it."

Stormer began to play the opening chords.

"_I saw him dancing there by the record machine/I knew he must have been about seventeen. The beat was going strong/playing my favorite song. And I could tell it wouldn't be long till he was with me- yeah me!/And I could tell it wouldn't be long till he was with me- yeah me! Signing, I love rock and roll/So put another dime in the jukebox, baby! I love rock and roll/so come take your time and dance with me! OW!_"

"Impressed?" Roxy asked once the song ended.

"_A bit. Destro, give them a 25% discount for ten years and their paycheck._" Cobra Commander answered.

"_But Cobra Commander-_"

"_DO IT OR I'LL TIE YOU DOWN AND MAKE YOU LISTEN TO MY AUDIOBOOK READING OF GREAT EXPECTATIONS!_"

"Who won?" Jetta asked.

"_Holograms._" came the response.

"Wha-"

"_You still get your paycheck. Also, you leave tomorrow afternoon._"


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27: Alone Again, Part 1

WEST LOS ANGELES POLICE DEPARTMENT BUILDING:

"What are these?" Jessica asked as she held a small skin patch.

"They're called slappers, and they're the latest fad among drug users."

"How do they work?" Miss Bailey asked.

"They're made out of the same material as nitroglycerin patches, but with a twist. The underside of the patch contains a mixture of the drug and a chemical called dimethyl sulfoxide, or DMSO for short. DMSO lets the drug get into the bloodstream through the skin, thus eliminating the need for paraphernalia such as hypodermic needles and syringes."

"Are the sl-"

"Miss Benton, DMSO is recognized by the Australian government as a Schedule 4 controlled substance. And that's not considering the standard concerns of drug overdose, which in this case could result from wearing the patch for an extended period of time."

"Good to know. I'll tell the Starlight Girls about the new drug policy tonight."

"Be safe, Miss Benton. You too, Miss Bailey."

HALF AN HOUR LATER:

Jessica noticed a familiar sedan parked in front of the Starlight Mansion.

_Him again?_

As she opened the door, the spitting image of James Barton was standing there.

"Are you here to tell me that _this_ building's going to collapse in on itself too?" she griped.

"No. I'm Peter Barton, California Department of Social Services."

"Any relation to James Barton, Los Angeles County Building Inspector?"

"First cousin on my father's side."

"Go on."

"Miss Benton, what's your cutoff date for admission into the Starlight Home For Foster Girls?"

"Eighteen to twenty-one."

"In that case, I'd like you to meet someone."

A teenaged brunette emerged from the sedan.

"Meet Laura Holloway, age 16. She's a regular delinquent- favorite break is California Health and Welfare Statute 601-"

"Being in danger of leading an idle, dissolute, or immoral life." Jessica finished.

Laura cursed under her breath.

"Laura's been drifting in and out of the foster system for two, maybe three months now."

"How'd she get in?"

"Parents died in Frisco the night those monsters got lose. Spent a few weeks with her aunt before she joined that Brotherhood of Eternity cult, and then a few more weeks bouncing from foster home to foster home."

"Why us, Mister Barton?"

Barton grinned.

"Because you've gotten glowing recommendations from my coworkers, that's why."

Jessica nodded.

"Come on, Laura. Let's get you inside." Barton whispered.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

For best results, read the police officer's lines in the voice of Joe Friday from _Dragnet._

And if "Brotherhood of Eternity" sounds familiar, then you've read my _Inhumanoids_ fanfic and know it was the cult that Blackthorne Shore and D'Compose were running.


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28: Alone Again, Part 2

"Hazel, I-"

"Miss Benton, I've been doing this since the Ford administration." Miss Bailey replied.

"But-"

Miss Bailey swiveled around.

"Jessica, I'll give it to you straight. I've seen all kinds of heartbreak- underfed kids, beaten kids, molested kids, lost kids, crying kids, homeless kids, sick kids, pregnant kids, dying kids, dead kids. I've done what I can for all of them, and I'm not backing down now."

"But-"

"Don't you think that this one's going to break me. I've had nearly forty years to get in the noggins of girls like her."

"But she was part of a cul-"

Miss Bailey sighed.

"Jessica, you want to know why kids like Laura turn to cults and gangs?"

"Tell me."

"Purpose, belonging, tribal identity- those aren't the only reasons. What I see is that cults and gangs offer something more tangible- a hot meal, reliable defense, human company, a warm bed of their own, a fix to stave off withdrawal, a chance to strike back at a world that's harmed them or a chance to get away from it all."

"You know, sometimes I wonder if this is-"

"It is. Now, let's go check on our newest addition."

"Hello, Laura." Jessica began.

"What do you want?"

Jessica turned her gaze to the lithe teenager sitting on the cot.

"I just wanted to ask y-"

"What?"

"I'm sorry about your-"

Laura turned around.

"Do you have any idea what it's like? Getting up at two in the morning and going to the city morgue and being asked to identify the people who raised you? Or having to leave your nearest relative's house because they can't afford to keep you? Or bouncing in and out of foster care because you're getting too old for the system? Or getting snookered into a cult that worships one of the same monsters that killed your parents just because they've got free room and board?" she whimpered.

"I've been through something a lot like what you're going through. Remember that you're not alone, Laura." came the reply.

Laura began to cry.

"Get some rest. You'll be needing it." Jessica whispered.

* * *

CHRYSANTHEMUM LOUNGE

LITTLE TOKYO:

"Miss Burns. It is a pleasure to meet with you again." a besuited man announced.

"Glad to see you too, Mister Miyamoto." Jetta replied.

The besuited man put a briefcase on the table.

"It's all high-quality." he assured.

Jetta's eyes drifted to some skin patches.

"The bloody 'ell?"

"They're called slappers. Put one on, and your preferred controlled substance goes through the skin thanks to DMSO. No more messing around with needles or pipes- just slap it on, and you're set."

Jetta smirked.

"What's on this batch?"

"Sister morphine, my Limey friend."

"_Oyabun_ too cheap to get the good stuff?"

"He's too cheap for a turf war with the local derelicts or with the cartels."

"How much, you old Yak?"

"Half a grand. Gets you 20 patches, plus a couple syrettes."

Jetta handed over the money.

"Thank you for your business."


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29: Alone Again, Part 3

On the mansion's patio, Jessica lay sprawled out on her sun chair while classic rock blared from the radio.

_Well, this is good. Not a peep from the Misfits or Eric Raymond, nothing particularly off at Starlight Records, no sign of COBRA- finally, some rest._

* * *

MEANWHILE, AT A NEARBY HIGH SCHOOL:

Laura was looking for a seat when a fellow student approached her.

"I can make you feel like a lucky lady." he whispered.

"How?"

The student removed a small box from his messenger's bag.

"Better living through chemistry. Slap one on and you're on the dreamweaver train."

"H-"

"Consider this a free sample. You've got twenty LSD slappers in there- and when they run out, look for me."

"W-"

"Name's Bobby Braddock. And you are-"

"Laura. Laura Holloway."

The class bell rang, and Laura put the box into her schoolbag.

_It'll help me forget._ she thought.

* * *

LATER THAT DAY:

In one of the bathrooms of Starlight Mansion, Laura opened the box and removed a patch.

"Here goes nothing…" she whispered.

The patch came down upon her arm, and the high began.

"Father, dear father- I have to confess…" she began.

_An unceasing plain of white filled Laura's vision, and a short man in wizard robes materialized before her._

"Brother…Druid?"

"_Yes, child. You have forsaken the tenants of the Brotherhood and our god-_"

"I didn't do it! Ea-"

"_You stood there and watched them extinguish the spark of life from Brother Metzger! After all we did for you. It was us who rescued you from the streets- we gave you food to eat, libations to drink, a bed in which to sleep-_"

"Your god killed my parents!"

"_The great D'Compose knows no boundaries! We fear his power and worship him, and he in turn liberates us from the agonies of human existence and makes us one with him!_"

"I don't want-"

"_You've been a bad girl, Laura. You have forsaken your oaths to the great D'Compose, and you must pay with your life!_"

Laura screamed and bolted out of the bathroom, fleeing from the hallucinatory specter of Brother Druid.

"_Join us…"_

"_Become one with us…"_

"_We shall transcend death and live forever…_"

"_This Brotherhood shall last until the stars go out…_"

Laura screamed again as she approached a second-story window, and then Brother Druid melted away.

_I am a bird of the air. Upon great wings, I fly_.

* * *

Laura got a running start, jumped out the window, and flew in the same manner as a cannonball before embedding her face into a hedge.

"I'm a bird of the air! Upon great wings, I fly!" she exclaimed while thrashing around.

Jessica rose from her sun chair and approached the poor teenager.

"You're not a bird. You're Laura Holloway." she replied.

Laura loosed herself from the hedge and stared quizzically at Jessica.

"Are you alright?"

Laura continued to stare. Jessica's eyes wandered downward and detected a patch on the girl's forearm.

"You have got to be kidding me…" she muttered.

* * *

SOME HOURS LATER:

"Well, I found these in her bag." Miss Bailey piped up.

Jessica stared in shock and horror as she noticed the slappers.

"I need more…" Laura moaned from her cot.

Jessica winced as she approached the young woman.

"Laura, if you can hear me- you're addicted to the drugs!"

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTESL

I just had to use that "you're addicted to the drugs" line.


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30: Alone Again, Part 4

"_Laura- can you understand me_?"

The teen's eyes fluttered open.

"Yes, Miss Benton."

"How are you feeling?" Jessica asked.

"Terrible. My head feels all swimmy-"

"It'll be okay. You're already doing better than you were a few hours ago."

"Are you going to let me stay here?"

"Depends on whether you can kick the habit. I'm already setting you up for Narcotics Anonymous." Jessica answered.

"But-"

"Laura, I know how you feel."

Laura began to cry.

"I don't want to be alone again." she whimpered.

"You won't be if I can help it. Now, let's get you something to eat."

* * *

"Well, look who finally decided to show up!" Pizzazz snarked as a disheveled Jetta entered the kitchen.

Jetta glared at her bandmate as she took a seat and eyed a nearby piece of coffee cake with ravenous intent.

"No offense, Jetta, but when was the last time you ate?" Stormer asked.

The Misfits' saxophonist shrugged, giving Stormer an adequate view of her puffy eyes.

"Or slept?" Stormer added.

"I don't need food or sleep- not with Sister M." came the reply.

Stormer's gaze drifted down her bandmate's arm, and then she saw it. There, on Jetta's forearm, was a skin patch.

"Is that-"

"I'm telling you, Yank- I've got the keys to the kingdom. Just slap 'er on, and you're on the euphoria express with Sister M. Not your fancy? Try 'er companions like Sister Lucy-"

"Jetta, you need h-."

"Shut your gob, Marcus Fischer! I don't have a problem-"

"Jetta- it's me, Stormer."

"Oh, you think you can hide _Messerkampf_'s dirty little secrets from me? Well, you're wrong, 'cause I've seen you 'n Ingrid shaggin' in the tour van- best fun a lady can 'ave this side a' Amsterdam-"

"What the hell's she going on about?" Roxy asked.

"_See how they run like pigs from a gun! See how they fly!_"

Pizzazz's eyes were wide with terror as she saw Jetta wildly flapping about in her chair.

"I need another one! This dose is wearin' off!" the latter exclaimed.

Stormer ripped off the patch and threw it into the kitchen trash.

"What the hell's she on?" Pizzazz asked.

"Must be those new slapper things that are showing up in the news." came Stormer's reply.

"Whatever she's on, we can't let her keep going with it."

"So what do we do? Send her to rehab?" Roxy asked.

"You kidding me? According to Eric, she's been there. If this is any indication, it didn't help." came Pizzazz's retort.

"So-"

"Yep. Cold turkey."


	31. Chapter 31

Chapter 31: Alone Again, Part 5

THE NEXT DAY:

"_Bloody 'ell! You're not really going to lock me up!_" Jetta yelled from behind the basement door.

"Jetta, this is for your own good." Stormer replied.

"_At least get me some decent beer! If I'm going through withdrawal, I'm doin' it drunk!_"

"That kind of defeats the purpose of going cold turkey."

"_When I get out of here, I'm going to find a nice big knobby stick an' shove it up your a-_"

"Temper, temper, Brit-brat." Pizzazz snarked.

"_Forget the stick, Pizzazz! You're gettin' a 9-iron up the bum when I get out!_"

"Don't you dare touch my golf clubs!"

"_At least give me the key to the liquor cabinet!_"

"Not going to happen."

"_Coffee maker privileges?_"

"Maybe."

"_Oh come on! At least let me get one cup of coffee before you lock me up!_"

"You'll get coffee when we open the door. Now, there's ramen in the pantry-"

"_Tosser!_"

Stormer cleared her throat.

"Yeah?"

"I don't think we should leave her all alone down there."

Pizzazz was silent.

"Fine. You and Roxy can go and keep an eye on her."

"Why us?"

"If she starts acting up, then Roxy can do something, while you've got good bedside manner. And no matter what she says- don't you dare give her anything stronger than coffee."

The two Misfits nodded and descended into the basement. The door closed, and Pizzazz put a chair in front of it.

_Well, here goes nothing_. she thought


	32. Chapter 32

Chapter 32: Alone Again, Part 6

TWO HOURS LATER:

"So, what brings you down here?" Stormer asked.

"Dad said that I had to be down here since having Jetta go cold turkey was my idea." came Pizzazz's reply.

Jetta loudly blew her nose from the fold-out bed she was currently lying in.

"So, I was thinking-" Stormer began.

"Thought I smelled fire." Pizzazz teased.

"Well, we're going to be down here for two, maybe three days at least. How about we break out the _Shadowrun_ stuff?"

Jetta seemed to perk up slightly.

"That'll take the edge off." she muttered.

"But-" Roxy began.

"Look, the way I see things, the withdrawal symptoms are going to be torture enough for her. Also, a bored Jetta is a potentially dangerous Jetta."

* * *

THREE HOURS LATER:

"You know, I've been thinking." Stormer began.

"What?" Pizzazz replied.

"That our world's become more like the _Shadowrun_ world."

"Explain."

"Well, we've got stuff like semi-ballistic airliners and cyberware. And if my sources are correct, then magic's already come back to the world at large."

Just then, the sound of retching echoed from the nearby bathroom.

"Is that-"

"Yep."

"Shouldn't we try and give her something to eat soon?"

Pizzazz sighed.

"I think we've got minestrone or something upstairs. She'll probably be able to hold it down."

* * *

"So, how'd it go at NA?" Jessica asked.

"Smoothly." came Laura's reply.

"Good to hear. You're making progress, Laura."

"Thanks, Miss Benton. Now, where'd I put my guitar?"

Jessica raised an eyebrow.

"You never told me you played the guitar. What type?"

"Acoustic. You play?"

"Well, I'm a bit rusty, but I used to play."

Laura grinned.

"Well, guess it's my turn to help you."

* * *

"Well, we're fresh out of minestrone- among other things." Pizzazz muttered as she returned to the basement.

"I'll go out to the grocery." Stormer volunteered.

"Here's the list."

* * *

HAMA-MARX GROCERY:

"Let's see here. Minestrone- check. Wensleydale cheese- check. Oatmeal- check. Raisins- check. Milk- check."

Stormer glanced at the cart and back at the list.

"Eggs- haven't got. Carrots- haven't got. Whole-wheat bread- check. Ginger snaps- check. Ginger ale- check. Latest issue of _2000 A.D._\- get that at the checkout."

A short time later, Stormer was waiting at the checkout while a man with an eyepatch and a fedora was standing near her, talking into his cell phone.

"We've got to lie low- no, I haven't heard from Metzger. I assume he's having an easier time of it- yes, I know he's calling himself something else. And since when do you use a cell phone?"

"_It's much more convenient than the old ways of doing things-_"

Stormer sighed as she withdrew her checkbook, signed one of the checks inside it, and handed it over to the clerk.

* * *

HALF AN HOUR LATER:

"Now, say 'aaah'." Stormer insisted.

"For Chrissake, I'm a grown woman!"

"Jetta, your hand's shaking. Just be calm and go with it."

"Oh, bloody hell. You win this round, Yank."

Roxy tried not to laugh as she watched Stormer feed Jetta a spoonful of minestrone.

"When do I get to eat something solid?"

"When you can keep this stuff down."

"Tosser."

"I know."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Yes, the guy at the checkout was Blackthorne Shore. And yes, he was talking to D'Compose. Even a horrific undead abomination unto God and man alike has to keep up with the times, you know. And no, this has nothing to do with _Inhumanoids_\- it was just a funny little cameo.


	33. Chapter 33

Chapter 33: Alone Again, Part 7

A FEW DAYS LATER:

"Now promise us you'll keep off drugs unless it's something like antibiotics or if you're actually ill." Pizzazz ordered.

"And if I don't?"

Roxy held Jetta's saxophone over her knee, ready to break it like a saber.

"Fine. I promise to keep off drugs." Jetta muttered.

"Good. Now then, let's see- STORMER! How much minestrone did you buy?"

"I thought Jetta would be out longer than she was…"

"Bloody 'ell! I'm not touching that as long as I live!"

* * *

MEANWHILE:

"Back again, I see. I've got new m-"

Laura turned around.

"Bobby Braddock, whatever you're trying to sell me, shove it up y-"

"Language! Now do you want s-"

"I just told you I wasn't interested. Try again and you're going to need reconstructive dentistry."

The young drug peddler gulped as he walked away.

"Drugs. Who needs them?" Laura muttered to herself as she walked away.

Just then, her phone went off.

"Hello?"

"_Hey, Laura. It's me- Kimber._"

"What's your deal?"

"_Well, NA's just asked the Holograms to do a little anti-drug gig on public access tonight-_"

"And they want me to play. I'm in."

* * *

"_You see I've been through the desert on a horse with no name/it felt good to be out of the rain. In the desert- you can remember your name/'cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain._" Laura sang, strumming her acoustic guitar.

There was a small applause, and Laura was no longer alone again.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

Yes, I am well aware that the writers of "A Horse With No Name" have denied that the song's lyrics have anything to do with drugs (for my readers who don't have a knowledge of late 20th century slang, "horse" used to be a slang term for the narcotic heroin). However, you could say that it's acquired that connection over time, so the use of the lyrics at the end is still fitting.

And before anyone says that I showed Jetta and Laura's getting off drugs being too easy, here's some clarifications:

1\. Laura's addiction was psychological in nature as opposed to physiological- as such, therapy and support groups probably played a major role in keeping her from backsliding. Also, keep in mind that the Starlight House staff have probably dealt with cases like hers before, so they'd have a set of guidelines to consult.

2\. Jetta did not get off drugs easily- after all, she was in such a bad state that Stormer had to spoon-feed her minestrone at one point. Also, she's probably not going to backslide because if she does, Pizzazz is going to make good on her threat to throw her out of the Misfits.


	34. Chapter 34

Chapter 34: Starbright, Part 1

"J, it's three in the m-"

Kimber opened the door to find her older sister slumped over her desk.

"_No, Misfits. This is my tiki bar-_" Jessica muttered.

"Jess, you need to go to bed."

"_I am he as your are he as you are me and we are altogether-_"

Kimber sighed as she hoisted her sister from her chair and slung her over her back.

"You're going to kill one of us if you keep doing this." she muttered.

"_That is not dead which can eternal lie-_"

"You'll thank me in the morning."

* * *

EIGHT HOURS LATER:

Jessica squinted as the sun shone into the bedroom.

"How long was I out?"

She glanced at her alarm.

"11 in the morning?! Why didn't s-"

"_Miss Benton, we've got a situation here!_"

Jessica threw herself out of bed and bolted down the stairs.

"What's going on, Hazel?" she asked once she reached the bottom of the stairs.

"It's Ba Nee. Poor little thing's stumbling about like she's going blind-"

"Get the ophthalmologist on the phone. Try and get an appointment ASAP."

Miss Bailey nodded.

* * *

AN HOUR LATER:

"Ba Nee, Doctor Grant will see you now." the nurse proclaimed.

Jessica walked the small child into the office and took a seat as the doctor approached.

"Good afternoon, Ba Nee." he began.

"How do you-"

"The nurse told me your name. Now, from what she just told me, Miss Benton here thinks your eyesight's going and that you won't be able to see anymore. Is that what's happening?"

"It keeps getting dark, and sometimes I feel my eyes burning." Ba Nee replied.

Doctor Grant turned to Jessica.

"Miss Benton, would you mind staying here?"

"Why?"

"I'm going to need a tissue sample from her eyes, and it usually helps if there's a trusted adult in the room."

The color began to drain from Jessica's face.

"I've got a blindfold if you need it."

Jessica nodded and picked up the blindfold.

"Ba Nee, you're going to need to hold still. Whatever you do, don't panic." she whispered.

Ba Nee nodded as a nurse entered propped open her eyelids.

"Cross my heart and hope to die. Stick a needle in my eye." Jessica whispered.

The nurse put a leather strap into Ba Nee's mouth as Doctor Grant loomed overhead, brandishing a large needle.

"I really hate doing this." he muttered.

* * *

"So, what's the diagnosis?" Jessica asked.

"Judging from the samples, it's Findley's Disease."

"What?"

"Findley's Disease. It's an autoimmune disease that affects ocular tissue."

"You mean-"

"Yep."

"Is there any-"

"It's relatively new- first recorded cases were about nine, ten years ago, and it's endemic among people working with radioactive or toxic material. Not too much incentive to work on a cure, I'm afraid."

"There's got to be some kind of treatment!"

"Oh, there is. It's just that the cure's about as bad as the disease."

"What's that?"

"Rip out her eyeballs and give her cybereyes."

Jessica winced.

"You're kidding."

"Nope. It's either that or you go and buy her a seeing-eye animal in advance. Me personally- I'd go with the cybereyes. You don't have to feed or walk them-"

"Doctor, you're not helping."

"Look, I know I seem like a complete and utter jackass right now-"

"You're damn right! You could at least learn some tact!"

"Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Benton. I'm not finished yet. Anyways, I'd go with the cybereyes. They're durable, just as good as real flesh-and-blood eyes, and they're the best chance Ba Nee has."

Jessica paused.

"How much?"

Doctor Grant paused for thought, wrote some figures down on a piece of scrap paper, and handed it back to Jessica.

"_Two hundred fifty thousand dollars_?" she asked.

"Yep. Cyberware's still the new frontier and therefore costly- and pediatric surgery's always costly."

"Couldn't you-"

"Miss Benton, I'm an ophthalmologist, not an eye surgeon. And like I said, cyberware's still pretty new- you're either going to need to fly Ba Nee up to a specialist or get a specialist down here."

"But wh-"

"I'd go with Dr. Jordan Dowd, up in Seattle. He's done cybersurgery before, and I'm pretty sure he's unlikely to screw up."

"But a quarter of a million-"

"I'm not the one who decides the rates. Now, your bill is…oh, about $300 for the check-up, plus another $50 for the tissue sample, another $25 for the leather strap and yet another $25 for the blindfold. Subtract $150 from the bill- you owe me $250."

"This is extortion, you know that?" Jessica muttered as she wrote the check.

"Thank you for your business, Miss Benton. Now, I'll give you Dr. Dowd's phone number and email for free…"

* * *

STARLIGHT MANSION:

"Big sis, I think you've had enough-"

"I'll tell you when I've had enough, Kimber! If I want to drink myself blind, then that's my initiative! Besides, I _really_ need a frakking drink right now. Ba Nee's going blind, the company's in the red, and I don't have 250 grand to spend on getting Ba Nee surgery." Jessica retorted.

"J, you've gone through a bottle of red wine- make that two-"

"I'm done pussyfooting about. Time for the good stuff…" Jessica slurred.

As if on cue, the elder Benton pulled a bottle of port about the size of her head out from beneath the bar.

"Jerrica Rosalind Benton! You put that away right this instant!"

"You're not the boss of me, Kimmy! I'm your older sister-"

"AJA!"

Aja came running in.

"What's the problem?"

"Oh, so you're on her side? Well, screw you! Screw you right up t-"

Jessica proceeded to topple out of her chair.

"Great." Aja muttered.

Just then, one of the girls ran in.

"Tell Jessica this came in the mail." she announced.

"We will, Terri. Now go run along."

Kimber watched as Aja opened the envelope.

"What is it?"

"It's from Howard Sands. He wants to know if he can get the Holograms in his new movie _Starbright_."

"Hey, big sis! You want the Holograms in a movie?"

"Sssure." Jessica slurred.

In her drunken stupor, she failed to read the paper she was signing.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

For the intended effect, read the doctor's lines in the voice of Doctor Cox from _Scrubs_.

And before anyone asks, Jessica does not have a recurring drinking problem. She's just trying to drown her sorrows this once. I just did one arc where characters dealt with substance abuse, thank you very much.


	35. Chapter 35

Chapter 35: Starbright, Part 2

THE NEXT DAY:

"What did I sign onto?" Jessica asked, clutching her head.

"You agreed to let Jem and the Holograms appear in that new _Starbright_ movie." Kimber replied.

"What the hell's Starbright?"

"It's one of those magical girl anime-" Raya began.

"Screw it, I'm out of here. I'm not doing a _Sailor Moon_ knockoff-"

"Big sis, they're paying us $150,000 up front." Kimber interrupted.

Jessica stopped mid-step.

"How much?"

* * *

TWO DAYS LATER:

It was early in the morning when Aja walked into Jem's trailer.

"So, how are the notes Ashley and Deidre gave you?" she asked.

"They're a godsend." Jem replied.

Just then, a familiar blonde entered Jem's trailer.

"Have we met?" the latter asked.

"No- oh my God, it's Jem! I can't believe it's really you!"

"Who are you?"

"Vivien Montgomery, but you can call me Video. I work at Starlight- I can't believe it! First day on my first big project, and Jem and the Holograms are there!"

"Calm down. Now, what am I supposed to do?"

* * *

AN HOUR LATER:

"Nobody laugh." Jem muttered as she was paraded out of the costuming department.

Kimber suppressed a snicker as she saw her older sister emerge dressed in what looked like a tie-dyed schoolgirl uniform covered.

"We start filming at noon! Now, who's next- Kimber!" Video announced.

Kimber's face contorted into an expression of shock and horror as the director dragged her towards the costuming department.

"How'd she not catch on to the hologram?" Aja asked.

"I guess Synergy changed it in real time."

"Still think the 150 grand's worth it?"

"It had better be…"

* * *

7:00 AM:

"What now?" Jem asked as Video dragged her towards a small building.

"Oh, Danse! I've got our star ready!"

The door opened, and Jem's eyes were drawn to a spry young woman with hair that bore a remarkable resemblance to the color of her costume.

"Who-"

"Giselle Dvorak, at your service. But you may call me Danse." the woman intoned.

The door closed, and Jem was left alone in the studio.

"Tell me, do you know anything about dance?" the latter asked.

"I've watched a lot of those old Astaire and Rogers films-"

"Well, let me teach you."

The sounds of _The Blue Danube_ filled the studio as Danse went over her pupil.

"Dance is kinetic poetry, I like to say. It's expressive, elegant, and often misused. I shall teach you the proper form."

Jem watched enviously as her cohort darted around with papilionaceous grace.

"Now, we begin. Your turn."

* * *

SEVERAL HOURS LATER:

"That was surprisingly elegant." Danse whispered.

"Well, I did ballet up until I was seventeen." Jem replied.

"I think you'll do well."


	36. Chapter 36

Chapter 36: Starbright, Part 3

SIX WEEKS LATER:

"_So, this is Ba Nee._"

Jessica and Ba Nee looked at the live video feed.

"Doctor Dowd, I presume?"

"_Yes. I understand you have need of my services._"

"We do."

"_I've read the file, Miss Benton. You have my word that I'll take care of Ba Nee when she goes under the knife._"

"Thanks."

"_You're welcome_."

The video feed shut off, and then reactivated. Kimber's face materialized on the screen.

"_Big sis- we just finished shooting! I've got the checks to prove it!_"

Jessica tilted her head.

"How much?"

"_$150,000 each!_"

"Isn't that a bit cheap-"

"_Hey- they only had a five million dollar budget! We cost them a pretty penny_-"

"So, you're saying we've got-"

"_Yep! Ba Nee's getting her new eyes once we make the deposits!_"

Jessica sighed in relief.

"See you when you get home, Kimmy."

"_Love ya, J!_"

The video feed cut off, and Jessica reestablished the link with Doctor Dowd.

"Doctor, do you want us to come up to Seattle? Or do you want to come down to LA?"

"_I'll come to you. I could stand to get some good weather for a change._"

"Where do you want Ba Nee to go?"

"_Ronald Reagan Medical Center at UCLA._"

"See you there, Doctor."

The feed cut off once more.

"Now, are you sure you have everything?" Jessica asked as she looked over Ba Nee's suitcase.

The little girl walked across the room and picked up a Cthulhu plush.

"Oh, right. Mr. Tentacles. Promise me you won't threaten the doctors or nurses by saying he'll swallow their souls."

"I promise."

Jessica picked up the suitcase and walked towards the front door.


	37. Chapter 37

Chapter 37: Starlight, Part 4

"Now, we're going to make it that even though your eyes are open, you won't see a thing." Doctor Dowd announced to Ba Nee.

"Will it hurt?"

"You won't feel a thing. It'll be like you're asleep. And when you wake up, you'll have a brand new set of eyes."

Ba Nee nodded, and the anesthetic flooded her lungs. Dowd readied his instruments, and watched as his patient's eyelids were held open with speculums.

"Let's give this little girl her new eyes." he ordered.

* * *

"_Sweet dreams are made of these/who am I to disagree?_" Jessica sang as she stared at a nearby clock.

Aja looked up from her laptop.

"Sorry- just nerves. And coffee."

Aja closed her laptop.

"Look, the people doing this are pros. All those consulting sessions-"

"I know. It's just that…well, things sometimes go wrong on the table."

* * *

In the hospital chapel, Raya knelt.

"_O Saints Cosmas and Damian, we honor and venerate you with all the humility and interior affection of our hearts._" she began.

She paused.

"Please let Ba Nee be healed." she finished.

* * *

"Both globes are removed with minimal damage to optic nerves. Let's put in the cyber." one of the surgeons announced.

Dowd nodded and opened a small box. Staring right back at him were two cold electronic eyes, waiting for implantation.

_Here goes nothing_.

Dowd leaned over his patient and stared into the empty sockets that had once contained diseased eyes. Nerves were linked to cold metal and circuits, and the new synthetic orbs were inserted into their proper orbits.

"The eyes are in place." he announced.

"Should we ac—"

"Not yet. We'll do that once she wakes up."

IV tubes were disconnected, and Ba Nee was rolled out of the operating room.

* * *

"_I want my mommy!_" Ba Nee whimpered as she awakened.

All that greeted her was an inky blackness, which soon gave way to a hazy blur of light. Inside her skull, the circuits of her cybereyes began to activate, and the haze gave way to a hospital room as the eyes activated in full.

"I take it you slept well."

Ba Nee turned her head and saw a nurse approach her.

"Hello." she whispered.

"So you're the little girl with the electronic eyes. Well, I'm here to make sure they're working like they should." came the reply.

Ba Nee nodded.

"Now, follow my finger."

The cybereyes moved about in their sockets as they tracked the nurse's finger. Up, down, left, right- where the finger went, they followed.

"Good job! Now, I need to make sure that you're seeing colors properly…"

* * *

AN HOUR LATER:

"Well, your new eyes are in full working order. You're just going to need to take it easy for a few days here in the hospital."

Ba Nee nodded, and the nurse left, leaving the small child alone with her stuffed Cthulhu.

"I love you, Mr. Tentacles." she whispered.

Just then, Jessica walked into the room.

"How's it going?"

"I can see much better now. But it's not like how I used to see."

"Why's that?"

"It's like I've got video cameras for eyes."

"It'll be fine- trust me."


	38. Chapter 38

Chapter 38: Clash, Part 1

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON:

"_Hello, daddy/Hello, mom! I'm your ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb! Hello world/I'm your wild girl! I'm your ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb! Cherry bomb! Cherry bomb! Cherry bomb! Cherry bomb! Cherry bomb!_"

There was a loud and raucous applause from the audience as Pizzazz leaned in and bowed.

"Well, it's been a blast playing- but we've got to go back to sunny LA. See you around, Emerald City!"

* * *

LATER:

"Great. Of all the times we had to run out fuel, it had to be _now_." Pizzazz grumbled as the Misfits' tour van pulled up to a gas station.

"Well, we've got another- I don't know, 16 and a half hours back to Los Angeles. While we're here, we might as well stock up on supplies." Stormer added.

"You and Brit-brat go get whatever. I'll pump the gas, and Roxy can catch up on her sleep."

* * *

"Welcome to Ripley's Fuel, Repair, and Refreshments. I'm Constance-"

Stormer looked up at the night clerk.

"Oh my God! You're the Misfits!" the clerk squealed.

"So what? We're not hiring." Jetta retorted.

"C'mon, let me go with you! Please please please!"

"You've got a job-" Stormer began.

"Actually, it's my last night. Apparently, Miss Ripley didn't quite appreciate what I was doing on my off-time…"

"Fine. You can go with us after we make our purchases." Stormer replied.

* * *

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER:

"You had one job, Stormer. And what do you bring back besides supplies? A groupie." Pizzazz muttered.

Stormer shrugged.

"Bloody 'ell! What's it with you Yanks an' soya? Don't you get enough of 'em without roastin' them like peanuts?" Jetta asked.

Roxy was silent as the van continued on its way back to Los Angeles.


	39. Chapter 39

Chapter 39: Clash, Part 2

"What's that, Mr. Tentacles? Why yes, I'll let you swallow Ashley's soul-" Ba Nee sing-songed, her cybereyes darting around.

_Ashley, you're twelve years old. Ba Nee's Cthulhu plush shouldn't be scaring you-_

Ba Nee rounded a corner and raised Mr. Tentacles up. Ashley stared into the green artificial irises and gulped.

"JESSICA! HELP!"

Jessica came running in.

"What's all the noise about?"

Ashley pointed to her pint-sized tormentor.

"Let me guess- Mr. Tentacles."

Ashley nodded.

"Ba Nee, how many times have I told you-"

"But Ashley had it coming! She cheated!"

"Cheated at what?"

"Blackjack."

Jessica's jaw nearly hit the floor.

"Who- what-"

"Aja and Kimber taught us how to play."

* * *

"It was pocket change, big sis! I figured that if they learned now, then they wouldn't be suckered in later-"

"They're twelve and eight, Kimmy. I'd wait until one of them was at least 14."

"But-"

"Now, you and Aja can make yourselves useful. Get me coffee, because I've got a long day of taxes ahead of me."

Jessica left the room and ascended to her office.

"So, there goes the Starlight blackjack club." Kimber muttered.

"It was only a matter of time." Aja replied.

The younger Benton grinned.

"So, you hear about those things that popped up in the Northwest?"

"Which things?"

"Those alien robots!"

Confusion vanished from Aja's face.

"Oh. The Transformers. What about them?"

"Wouldn't be awesome if we met them? I mean, we've been around to see Earth Corps, the Inhumanoids, COBRA-"

"_Coffee!_"

"Coming, sis!"

* * *

"And then Stormer slipped at the roller rink, and we all got to see what she wears under her dress-" Jetta rambled.

"What?" Constance asked.

"It turns out she likes them flower-patterned underpants! Oh, _that_ was a sight!"

Pizzazz turned her head and glared.

"So, Constance-"

"Seriously? You're going to call me that?"

"I haven't heard you try anything better."

Constance thought for a moment, and then produced a pair of cymbals from her bag.

"Call me Clash!"

The newly-dubbed Clash raised her cymbals and smashed them together.

"JESUS! Can't a girl get some sleep around here?" Roxy yelled.

"You've been asleep for seventeen hours!" Pizzazz retorted.

"So, we're home?"

"Yes. Yes, we are."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

If you're wondering about "Mr. Tentacles" and why Ba Nee's threatening to have him swallow people's souls, it's a reference to the series of web videos _Calls for Cthulhu_, in which Cthulhu (represented by a hand puppet) hosts a phone-in talk show and repeatedly threatens to swallow his callers' souls. As for the origins of Mr. Tentacles, Auger and Liquidator bought him as a gag gift for Ba Nee's 4th birthday (for the record, Ba Nee is eight at this point, and this is only a relatively short time after "Sooth The Savage Beast").


	40. Chapter 40

Chapter 40: Clash, Part 3

"When I let you become a groupie, I didn't say you could stay in my house!" Pizzazz grumbled as she knocked on the powder room door.

"_We Misfits have to stick together!_" came Clash's reply.

"Open this door, or I'll break it in!"

The door swung open, and Jem was standing there.

"How- wha- wh-"

"You ditz, it's me- Clash!"

"How?"

"I learned a few things back in Seattle."

Pizzazz's jaw nearly hit the floor.

"What? You don't like it?"

Just then, Pizzazz got an idea.

"How'd you like to go muck with the Holograms?" she asked.

* * *

"Go away! I don't want any more coffee!" Jessica moaned.

"When was the last time you slept, J?" Kimber asked.

"Three days ago-"

"Are your taxes done?"

"Yes."

"Go to bed, big sis. I'll run these down to the post office."

* * *

LATER:

"_But it's Saturday, Mom! Aja and I were going to the comic store-_" Jessica rambled in her sleep.

There was a knock on the bedroom door.

"Who is it?"

"_Jess, you in there?_"

"Hazel, I'm trying to sleep. I've been up for the past three days-"

"_Well, you try and fend off Hector Ramirez_-"

"Who?"

* * *

Jessica stumbled to the open front door and saw the mustachioed reporter, a camera drone hovering right behind him.

"Go away." she muttered.

"Miss Benton, as Jem's manager, how can you account for her latest-"

"Didn't you get attacked by zombies or something in San Francisco a few weeks back?" Jessica asked, yawning in the middle of her question.

"That's beside the point. Now, can you account for Jem's behavior?"

"What'd she do? Moon you?"

"No- she's been a spree of petty vandalism and mayhem for the past two days-"

"Ba Nee, you have my permission to let Mr. Tentacles swallow this man's soul." Jessica announced.

"B-"

Before Ba Nee could finish her statement, a cowboy boot went flying through the air and collided with the drone, smashing the camera and sending it to the ground.

"Take the hint, buddy."

Hector gulped and ran, leaving the remains of the drone on the front doorstep.

"Thanks, Aja." Jessica mumbled.

"_Thank Auger for teaching me that trick._" came the reply.

"I'll do that next time he comes around."


	41. Chapter 41

Chapter 41: Clash, Part 4

"So, we've got someone running around who looks like Jem and has a knack for general mischief." Rio mused.

"That's about the shape of things." Jessica replied.

"So, how do we expose the impostor?" Kimber asked.

"A little musician's duel. And I know just how to do it…"

* * *

THAT NIGHT:

"Welcome, one and all, to the Penumbra Club. Tonight, we've got a very special performance: a battle between musicians. In this corner, we have Jem, of the Holograms! And in the other one, we have…another Jem. Will the real Jem please sing?"

Jem watched as her doppelgänger approached the microphone.

"_Like a crystal gleaming bright-_" she began, butchering the song in the process, her voice hitting all the wrong notes.

There was a tumult in the audience

"No contest. This Jem's an impostor!" the host exclaimed.

"Jem" bolted off the stage and ran towards the side door.

* * *

LATER:

The Misfits howled with laughter after hearing Clash's story.

"A musician's duel between you and Jem? And then you got outed as the impostor because you can't sing? Classic!" Roxy said, laughing all the way through.

"Should've thought some more on that one! As much as I hate to admit it, that Jem's got million dollar pipes. You were pretty much doomed to failure from the get-go." Pizzazz added.

Clash was red as a beet.


	42. Chapter 42

Chapter 42: Bands In Space, Part 1

"_Oh big sis! I have an idea!_" Kimber sing-songed.

"What?"

* * *

A FEW MINUTES LATER:

"You're kidding me. A trip to one of those new orbital habitats just so we can play the first concert in space?" Shana commented.

"We'd go in the history books, like the Buggles. This'd be our _Video Killed The Radio Star_-" Kimber continued.

"What do you say, Jessica?" Raya asked.

"Sounds like a plan. Besides, we could all do with a vacation…"

* * *

Outside the window, a familiar mini-cassette sat perched on a tree, listening in on the Holograms' conversation.

_Laserbeak- report._

_They are making plans to visit an orbital habitat. Should we-_

_Negative. Megatron doesn't pay us enough._

_But-_

_Get me Eric Raymond._

* * *

"Yes?" Eric moaned.

"_Mr. Raymond, I presume?_"

"Who are you, and why do you sound like a robot?"

"_I am called Soundwave_-"

"If you want to make a deal, my answer is no. I've been burned by COBRA, conned into visiting an Inhumanoid lair, and I've had it up to here with the Misfits."

"_I would like you to know that your rival Jessica Benton is planning on having the Holograms perform on one of those new space stations-_"

"And let me guess, you'll arrange it so that the Misfits can go too, for the bargain price of my eternal allegiance to the Decepticon cause."

"_The first part is correct. However, I only require you to pay me $250,000. In cash, preferably."_

"You're a robot. What do you need money for?"

"_It makes for good fuel, and we can use it to buy raw materials. Not necessarily in that order._"

"Can't you take a check?"

"_Very well. Soundwave out_."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

If you're wondering why Soundwave's working for Eric Raymond- well, the Decepticons do need to buy things for their schemes, and Soundwave's set of skills is profitable.


	43. Chapter 43

Chapter 43: Bands in Space, Part 2

"That's right- eight seats. Five for the Holograms, one for their roadie, and two for some other guests." Kimber announced over the phone.

"_That'll come to…oh, roughly $300,000._"

"That's outrageous!"

"_Well, it's your cheapest offer at $37,500 a seat._"

"Fine. We'll take it."

"_Good. Your flight leaves Friday from Albuquerque. We advise you come a few days early for necessary physical examinations._"

* * *

"So, you want us to do a gig up on one of those new space stations?" Pizzazz asked.

"_Yes. I've already booked the tickets. You leave Friday from Albuquerque_." Eric answered.

Pizzazz hung up.

"So, are we trying to do the first concert in space?" Stormer asked.

"No. If I know Jem, she and the Holograms'll be there when we are. The way this plan's going to work, she'll have to share top billing with us."

* * *

THE NEXT NIGHT:

The Starlight Girls were assembled in the mansion's front hall.

"Girls, I just want to let you know that we're going to be gone for a little while. You're going to need to listen to Miss Bailey and Auger until we get back."

"Yes, ma'am." came the unanimous response.

Jessica turned to the hairless member of the Earth Corps.

"Thanks for coming on such short notice."

"Anything for my little Jerrica. I still remember bouncing you on my knee when you were a tyke-"

"Do you think you can handle this?"

Auger chuckled.

"Jess, I've gone toe-to-toe with the Inhumanoids and the Decepticons. I think I can handle kids."


	44. Chapter 44

Chapter 44: Bands in Space, Part 3

"So, why'd we get two extra tickets?" Aja asked.

"Danse and Video. They said they'd meet us at the airport." Kimber replied.

As the car arrived at the terminal, Jessica saw the two tag-alongs standing on the curb and waving. There was a third woman there as well.

"Showtime, Synergy." she whispered.

Almost instantaneously, the earrings flashed, and Jem materialized.

* * *

"So, who's the other blonde?" Jem asked as her entourage walked through the security checkpoint.

"Lindsey Pierce, of Lin-Z TV." the third woman replied.

Jem tilted her head.

"It's a little something I started a few months ago. It's a mix of old-school music vids, news coverage of _big_ music events, and showing off new indie talent. But mostly old-school music vids and news coverage."

"And you're coming with us why?"

"There's a story- the first concert in space. And I'm going to cover it."

* * *

LATER:

"So, what brings you here?" Jem asked as she eyed Pizzazz.

"Eric wanted us to do a concert on one of those new space stations. Said he wanted to beat your boss to the punch."

"Battle of the bands?"

"I was thinking a double act this time around. We'll save the rivalry stuff for when we're on the ground."

"Deal."


	45. Chapter 45

Chapter 45: Bands in Space, Part 4

"_Welcome aboard Dixon Spaceways Flight Alpha One-One-Three, outbound from Albuquerque to the Spire. CSC, do we have greenlight for take-off?_"

"_CSC to DSA113. You have greenlight for take-off._"

* * *

In the spaceplane, the fourteen passengers were firmly strapped into their acceleration seats.

"Before we leave, did everyone take their motion sickness pills?" Aja asked.

"Aye." came the unanimous response.

In the predawn hours of the morning, the roar of a jet filled the air, and the spaceplane and its booster soared off the runway into the sky.

* * *

LATER:

The booster aircraft detached from its payload and began its descent back towards Albuquerque. Once it was clear, there was another great roar as the plane's rockets kicked in, and it soared into low orbit.

"Well, we've gone where no band has gone before." Kimber joked.

"Boo." Jetta retorted.


	46. Chapter 46

Chapter 46: Bands in Space, Part 5

"So, this is our room." Jem mused as she surveyed the scene before her.

"Looks like a cabin on a ship to me." Aja added.

"At least we've got artificial gravity." Kimber piped up.

Shana and Raya emerged with the party's luggage and set it on the floor.

"Well, we've got a few days to kill before the show. Days as in on the surface, that is." Jem piped up.

"Let me guess- we're doing at least one spacewalk." Raya replied.

* * *

"Why's this stuff taste like cardboard?" Jetta grumbled.

"Fluid shift. Basically, you have a continual head cold in zero-g, and as such, your sense of t-"

"Any ideas for the here and now?"

"Try adding spices. Or we can get a room in the centrifuge."

Pizzazz groaned.

"I'll deal with Brit-brat. You can do whatever for the rest of the day."

* * *

Stormer tried not to react to the various stares she was getting as she drifted down the station corridors.

_Damn these stupid tight-fitting jumpsuits to the same special level of Hell as child molesters and people who talk in the theatre._ she thought.

Just then, Kimber rounded a corner, and the two collided.

"Hey, aren't you one of the Holograms?" Stormer asked.

"Yeah. Aren't you one of the Misfits?" Kimber replied.

"Yeah."

"Well, we're both off the clock. Anyways, I was just about to go on one of those private spacewalks- you want to come?" Kimber continued.

Stormer nodded, and the two drifted towards a nearby suit depository.

* * *

AN HOUR LATER:

"Pre-breathing's done- suits are on- is everything green on yours, Stormer?"

"Aye. Yours?"

Kimber gave a thumbs up.

"You got the safety lines?" Stormer asked.

"Yep."

"Then let's go outside."

The airlock depressurized, and the two musicians eased out into the void.

* * *

"_Beautiful_." Stormer whispered as she drifted over the Earth.

"_Me or the Earth?_" Kimber replied over the radio.

"_Don't make me choose, woman!_"

The two drifted closer together, and there was a dull thud as their helmets collided.

"_There's no graceful way of doing _anything_ in these suits!_" Kimber laughed.

"_Well, there's always singing_." Stormer retorted.

Kimber cleared her throat.

"_I can't decide whether you should live or die!_" she began.

"_Oh you'll probably go to Heaven, please don't hang your head and cry!_" Stormer continued.

"_No wonder why my heart feels dead inside! It's cold and hard and petrified! Lock the doors and close the blinds! We're going for a ride!_" the two sang in unison.

They laughed.

"_So, what songs are you guys going to do?_" Kimber asked.

"Moonage Daydream_, for one. Maybe some other stuff from David Bowie. How about you?_"

"_Some Sinatra, maybe _Lost My Heart To A Starship Trooper-"

"_I love that song! Let's do that together here and now!" _Stormer interrupted.

"_You go first._"

Stormer cleared her throat.

"_Hey, Captain Strange, won't you be my lover- you're the best thing I've ever discovered! Flash Gordon's left me/he's gone to the stars. And evil Darth Vader has me banished to Mars!_" she began.

"_Tell me, Captain Strange- do you feel my devotion? Or are you like a droid- devoid of emotion? Encounters one and two are not enough for me. What my body needs is close encounter three!_" Kimber continued.

"_I lost my heart to a starship trooper! Flashing lights in hyperspace! Fighting for the Federation- hand in hand we'll conquer space!_" the two sang in unison.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

"I Lost My Heart To A Starship Trooper" is a personal guilty pleasure of mine. On the one hand, it's so very cheesy and goofy. On the other hand- I just love that song. It's right up there with the original _Jem_ in terms of guilty pleasures- except _Jem_ is obscure enough I can profess my interest in it and not get mocked.

Also, enjoy possible chemistry between Stormer and Kimber…yay!


	47. Chapter 47

Chapter 47: Bands in Space, Part 6

"_Welcome to LIN-Z TV. I'm your host, Lindsey Pierce, reporting live from Earth orbit onboard the Spire. Well, it's a big day today- the Holograms and the Misfits are about to perform the first ever concert in space, and yours truly managed to get the first scoop of the story. Now, before the bands start playing, we have a performance by Giselle Dvorak, aka Danse. Take it away, Video!_"

* * *

Danse grinned before the camera and began her act as classical music played in the background. Her lithe, supple form moved with a grace unfettered by gravity as she spun, twirled, and tumbled in midair. Her movements were smooth and elegant, the result of years of refinement. When she stopped, there was an awed silence from Video.

"Whoa…" she whispered.

* * *

Jem scanned the waiting crowd.

_Come on. I can do this_.

She approached the microphone and sang.

"_Fly me to the Moon. Let me play among the stars. Let me what spring is like on-a Jupiter and Mars._" she began.

There was a rush of applause.

"We'll be getting back to that one, everybody. But first, the Misfits." Jem announced.

* * *

Pizzazz and company walked onto the stage.

"Now, how many of you remember Ziggy Stardust?" she asked.

There was silence.

"Figures. Now, this one goes out to David Bowie if he's watching- it's a classic one too. Let's hear it for _Moonage Daydream!_"

Stormer began the song.

* * *

"_I"m an alligator! I'm a mama-papa comin' for you! I'm the space invader/I'll be a rock'n'rollin' bitch for you! Keep your mouth shut/you're squawking like a pink monkey bird! And I'm bustin' up my brains for the words!_" Pizzazz sang

Pizzazz turned to Stormer.

"Hit it."

"_Keep your 'lectric eye on me, babe! Put your ray gun to my head! Press your space face close to mine, love! Freak out in a moonage daydream, oh yeah!_"

The audience went wild with applause.

"_Don't fake it, baby/lay the real thing on me! The church of man, love/is such a holy place to be. Make me, baby/make me know you really care. Make me jump into the air! Keep your 'lectric eye on me, babe! Put your ray gun to my head! Press your space face close to mine, love! Freak out in a moonage daydream, oh yeah!_"

Cheers roared from the audience as the song drew to an end.

* * *

"Now, the Holograms." Stormer announced.

The Holograms emerged from backstage.

"Okay, this is another one you've probably never heard of. This one goes out to all the spouses of spacefarers- sing along if you know the words, because it's _I Lost My Heart To A Starship Trooper!_ Hit it, ladies!" Jem began.

The room grew silent as the grave.

* * *

"_Arcadia, X-ray X-ray delta niner niner zero, this is Starlet Control. You are clear to go hyperspace, acknowledge._" Rio spoke.

"_Affirmative, Star Comm. We have situation gold._" Aja replied.

"_Niner niner zero, roger. You're looking good for trans-light…_" Rio continued.

The first notes of the song played.

"_Hey, Captain Strange, won't you be my lover? You're the best thing that I've ever discovered! Flash Gordon's left me/he's gone to the stars! And evil Darth Vader has me banished to Mars!_" Jem began.

The other Holograms kept at their instruments.

"_Tell me, Captain Strange- do you feel my devotion? Or are you like a droid- devoid of emotion? Encounters one and two are not enough for me- what my body needs is close encounter three!_"

Kimber smiled softly as she played the bridge.

"_I lost my heart to a starship trooper! Flashing lights in hyperspace! Fighting for the Federation- hand-in-hand, we'll conquer space!_"

Stormer grinned as the song continued.

"_Listen, Captain Strange, what's our destination? The scanners seem to indicate a small deviation! Static on the comm- it's Starlet Command! Requesting your position- it's their final demand! Your intentions are known/they've found at last! So if you're gonna take me/please make it fast! Touch me, feel me, do what you will- I want to feel that galactic thrill!_"

The crowd erupted once more onto wild applause and cheers.


	48. Chapter 48

Chapter 48: Runaways, Part 1

THE ARK:

The Dinobot known as Swoop felt a distinct tap on his shoulder.

"What you want? Me Swoop trying to rest!"

Swoop's optics wandered upwards, and he saw a robotic _Tyrannosaurus_ nearby.

"Grimlock? Where you going?"

"Me Grimlock am running away. Him Optimus no want me around because me Grimlock cannot read-"

"But you Grimlock beat snot out of Inhumanoids-"

"It not matter to him Optimus. He say to him Wheeljack, 'Why you create Dinobot that cannot read? Him Swoop can read. Him Sludge can read. Even him Slag can read- and he dumber than Grimlock!' So- me Grimlock Dinobot no more! Me Grimlock not fighting Inhumanoids or Decepticons any more! You Swoop new leader of Dinobots!"

"But-"

"Me Grimlock go now! Bye!"

* * *

LOS ANGELES:

"So, what's it like reading about your exploits in the news?" an interviewer asked Roxy.

"Don't bother- Rox here can't read-" Jetta began.

Pizzazz and Stormer glared at their bandmate.

"Did I say something wrong?"

Roxy grabbed a cushion and buried her increasingly red face in it.

* * *

STARLIGHT MANSION:

"So, how'd everything go with Auger?" Jessica asked.

"Fine. The girls adore him like they do you and the others- well, all except Terri. Poor thing's been sleeping with the lights on for days." Miss Bailey answered.

Jessica felt a tug on her pant leg.

"J-"

"Deirdre, I'm busy right now."

"B-"

"_I'm busy_."

Deirdre walked away, her head drooping.

* * *

"You're not really-" Laura began.

"I'm running away. If Jessica's not going to notice me if I'm here, then she'll notice me when I'm gone." Deirdre retorted.

Laura grumbled and turned to Ba Nee and another Starlight girl.

"Ba Nee, you and Krissie follow her. Keep an eye on her- she's probably just overtired. She'll be back sooner rather than later."

The two nodded.


	49. Chapter 49

Chapter 49: Runaways, Part 2

THE NEXT DAY:

"Well, Roxy. Jetta has an apology-" Pizzazz began.

Silence came from Roxy's door.

"Roxy, you've had your sulk. Now open this door."

Silence.

"Roxy-"

Stormer came running down the hall.

"She's gone."

"Roxy? She'll be-"

"She told me to write this down last night."

Stormer cleared her throat and read what Roxy had dictated:

* * *

_Dear Misfits:_

_I have decided to take my stuff and leave. I'm going back home to Philly. Do not follow me. I'll miss all of you except Jetta and Clash._

_-Roxy_

* * *

"Ducky, isn't it? The tosser runs away on u-"

Pizzazz swiveled around and glared at Jetta.

"Stormer, you and I are going after her." she ordered.

* * *

"Laura, I am _very_ disappointed in you." Jessica muttered.

Laura looked up at the ceiling.

"By your own admission, you knew that Deirdre was planning on running away- and you sent Krissie and Ba Nee after her? Three runaways in one go-"

"They'll b-"

"They might not. You're going after them."

"B-"

"No 'buts'. You didn't try to stop Deirdre, so you're going after her."

"B-"

"Oh, and take Ashley with you. According to Auger's report, she took 30 dollars from the honor jar. I'm hoping this'll teach her a lesson."

Laura groaned as she left Jessica's office.

"I need a drink." the latter mumbled.

* * *

Roxy was silent as the taxi made its way to the bus station.

_Well, I'm done with the Misfits. What was I thinking? Back on the street corners, playin' my bass-_

The taxi ground to a halt.

"What gives?"

"Look up, lady."

Roxy looked out the window and saw a colossal metallic _Tyrannosaurus_ looming overhead.

"Me Grimlock been flying all night! Where can me Grimlock find place to sleep?"

Roxy paid the cabbie and exited the vehicle.

"You lost, big guy?"

Grimlock looked down at Roxy.

"Me Grimlock not lost! Me Grimlock running away!"

"Whatever for?"

"Me Grimlock can't read! And him Optimus Prime only wants Dinobots that can read-"

"Well, that makes two of us." Roxy muttered.

"Me Grimlock thinking- if you can't read, and me Grimlock can't read…then maybe we should be friends!"

Roxy blinked in disbelief.

"What?"

"Me Grimlock and you…you…you-"

"Roxy."

"Me Grimlock and you Roxy have so much in common- we should run away together and be best friends!"

_Well, this is a new one._

Roxy approached the Dinobot and scaled up his back.

"To adventure, Grimlock!"

"Me Grimlock love adventure!"


	50. Chapter 50

Chapter 50: Runaways, Part 3

"Get back here, you little brats!"

Deirdre, Krissie, and Ba Nee ran for it as a geriatric farmer with a truncheon pursued them through his orange grove.

"You just _had_ to come here and try and steal some fruit, didn't you?" Krissie grumbled.

"How was I supposed to know people were so paranoid about oranges?" Deirdre replied.

"Enough talk- more running!" Ba Nee retorted.

The three girls flung themselves over the wire fence and landed in a ditch.

"Well, we're probably going to be thrown out of Starlight when we get back."

"Don't be so downbeat, K. At least we made it away with the oranges."

* * *

"So, which do you like better- Holograms or Misfits?" Roxy asked.

"Me Grimlock like Holograms more. But then again, me Grimlock make 'Outta My Way' official Dinobot battle anthem, so make of that what you will."

Roxy smiled at the mention of the song.

"Well, you've certainly got good taste for a robot dinosaur. Not that I've met any of those before."

"Me Grimlock like other Misfits songs, too. Especially 'I Am A Giant', because me Grimlock am giant!"

_Well, he's about as well-spoken as a little kid, but there's logic in what he says._ Roxy thought.

Just then, Grimlock stopped dead in his tracks.

"What's going on?" Roxy asked.

"Me Grimlock see little people in front of me."

Roxy leaned down and saw three young girls standing at Grimlock's feet.

"Don't you have a home?" she asked.

"We're running away!" one of the girls answered.

"Me Grimlock running away too! Maybe we can be friends?"

* * *

SEVERAL MINUTES LATER:

"I don't think we should be hitching a ride with a stranger." Ba Nee muttered.

"Seconded." Krissie added.

Roxy looked behind her and studied the girls carefully.

"Wait a second- you're some of those Starlight girls!"

"I think we know you. You're Roxy from the Misfits." Deirdre piped up.

"Flattered."

"But whatever we're riding on-" Krissie began.

"His name's Grimlock, and he's one of those Autobots that've started springing up. I saw his chest symbol." Roxy interrupted.

Krissie rolled her eyes and nodded off.


	51. Chapter 51

Chapter 51: Runaways, Part 4

"We've looking for _hours!_"

Laura glared at Ashley.

"Knock off that whining, or I'll knock your teeth out."

The blond 12-year-old glared at her older compatriot.

"Look, we've gone over this neighborhood with a fine toothed comb- and we still haven't found Deirdre and the others!"

"We've got to keep looking. Otherwise, Jessica's going to have both our heads."

* * *

"How many times do I have to spell it for you? Her name's Roxanne P-e-l-l-i-g-r-i-n-i — what do you mean, you still didn't get it? _IF I HAVE TO SPELL IT ONE MORE TIME-_"

"Pizzazz, your blood pressure-"

Pizzazz began foaming at the mouth.

"_SCREW MY BLOOD PRESSURE!_" she screamed.

"Clash, get our imperious leader her beta blockers, would you kindly?" Stormer asked.

* * *

LATER:

"_Aaah! Happy pills are happy!_" Pizzazz chirped.

"You sure those were the beta blockers?" Stormer asked.

Clash shrugged.

"Well, at least we don't have to hear her get her nark on." Jetta snarked.

* * *

THE ARK:

"Attention, Autobots! You are probably wondering why I have called you here." Optimus Prime began.

"You got that right." came a reply.

"It is with a heavy spark that I inform you all that Grimlock has apparently run away out of his mistaken belief that due to his illiteracy, he is not worthy of my attention."

There was a mass silence.

"Seeing as how Grimlock is a dear and beloved friend and comrade, as well as one of our most potent weapons against Decepticon and Inhumanoid alike, we must find him! Bumblebee, Swoop, Powerglide, and Wheeljack- you will lead the search."

The four Autobots transformed and left the Ark.

* * *

"I think we should stop for the night." Deirdre piped up.

"Best idea you've had all week." Krissie retorted.

"Me Grimlock think stopping for night very good idea! Maybe we stay at YMCA!"

"You mean YWCA." Deirdre retorted.

* * *

A FEW MINUTES LATER:

"May I help you?" the receptionist asked.

"Yeah- we need some beds for the night." Roxy answered.

"These kids yours?"

"They're traveling with me of their own free will, if that's what you mean."

* * *

"Kimmy, I can still see the bottom of the glass." Jessica groaned.

"Big sis, you've had enough-"

"I'll tell you when I've had enough! If I want to drink myself blind, that's my decision!"

Kimber rolled her eyes and left the kitchen. Once out of Jessica's earshot, she turned to Aja.

"Do you think she'll find out that we switched the wine out with carrot juice?" she whispered.

"Maybe." came the reply.

"_Kimber, you should check the vintage on this stuff. Tastes like carrot juice._"

Aja turned to Kimber.

"You owe me ten bucks."

* * *

THE NEXT MORNING:

"Well, I think we found Roxy." Stormer announced.

"Finally. Where is she?"

* * *

"So, what are you in for?" Pizzazz asked as she approached Roxy's jail cell.

"Disturbance of the public peace. Apparently, one of my travel buddies woke up in the middle of the night and accidentally smashed stuff up."

"Just that?" Stormer asked.

"Yeah. My _compadres_ got sent off to Haven House…"

* * *

"Me Grimlock not wayward youth! Me Grimlock am mightiest Dinobot of them all!"

Danse pinched her nose in an attempt to avert a headache.

"So, where'd you say you ran away from?" she asked.

"Starlight House For Foster Girls." Deirdre answered.

"Why?"

"Deirdre wanted attention, and Ba Nee and I followed her to try and talk some sense into her." Krissie replied.

"And the robot dinosaur?"

"We found him when we were running away from an angry farmer." Ba Nee answered.

Dance cradled her head.

"You know what- I'm sending the four of you back to Starlight. I've got enough on my plate as it is."

Danse shooed the trio out of her office and reached for the phone.

"Miss Benton?"

* * *

"They're safe?" Jessica asked.

"_Yes, they're safe and sound. Probably could do with a bath, a change of clothes, and a light meal- but they're fine._" Danse answered.

"I'll send someone to pick them up right away."

"_Oh, and they've got something else- a giant robot T. Rex that calls himself Grimlock. I don't know what to do with him, so if you'll take him-_"

Jessica hung up.


	52. Chapter 52

Chapter 52: Runaways, Part 5

"Well, at this point, I'm not sure if I should be relieved that you're OK or if I should be mad at you for running away in the first place." Jessica intoned.

"But-" Krissie began.

"Krissie, you and Ba Nee had good intentions and were trying to help, so I'll let you off the hook this time. On the other hand, I've found something for Deirdre…"

* * *

"How long do I have to do this?" Deirdre asked.

"Three days- just as long as you were gone. Now, get to scrubbing those pots and pans."

* * *

"What you Ba Nee doing?" Grimlock asked as he loomed over the young girl.

"Reading. Can you read?"

"No. That why me Grimlock run away from Autobots in first place! And why her Roxy leave Misfits!"

Ba Nee felt pity for the lumbering Dinobot.

"I have something that might help."

Grimlock's tiny arms and hands caught a small book that Ba Nee tossed to him.

"What this called?"

"_My First Reader_. I've got a copy for Roxy, too."

Just then, a robotic pterodactyl landed.

"Grimlock?"

Ba Nee cowered in fear.

"Swoop? Me Grimlock told you-"

"Him Optimus want you back. Him send him Bumblebee, him Powerglide, and him Wheeljack-"

"But me Grimlock Autobot no more! Me Grimlock honorary Starlight Girl!"

Jessica walked out of the mansion to see the two Dinobots and promptly fainted.

* * *

SEVERAL MINUTES LATER:

"So that's why there's a pair of robot dinosaurs in the backyard?" Jessica asked.

"That's about the shape of it, ma'am." Bumblebee answered, standing in front of the mansion.

"Well, I'll let you take Grimlock back. Then again, I don't know if h-"

"_Me Grimlock now can learn to read! Me Grimlock return to him Optimus and be leader of Dinobots once again!_"

"Well, that was quick."

* * *

THAT NIGHT:

"Why can't you do this, Stormer? You're better at it than I-" Jetta began.

"You caused this, so now you're going to help Roxy learn how to read and write. If not, you can find a new job."

The basement door closed.

"Wanker!" Jetta exclaimed.

Roxy cleared her throat.

"Fine. Now, turn to page 1…" Jetta began.


	53. Chapter 53

Chapter 53: Weird Science, Part 1

Starscream was grinning like a goon as he walked up the hillside.

"There- aim it at the harbor! There's a shipment of uranium coming in-"

"Wazzpinator not understand what this thing does!"

"It'll turn the guards into children- oh, I don't know, about 8 of this planet's years old. And then we can plunder the uranium and use it to power our energon production system!"

"Wazzpinator setting up de-aging device now-"

There was an explosion as a small team of Autobots approached.

"Fire the device already!"

Waspinator fired the machine. Unfortunately for Starscream's ambitions, the beam the device had generated fell very short of its intended target and instead hit both Starlight and Gabor Mansions.

* * *

THE NEXT MORNING:

"Well, look who-" Raya began.

The Holograms' drummer's jaw nearly hit the floor as she saw her now eight-year-old boss shuffle forward.

"You. Get me coffee." Jessica ordered.

Raya fainted on the spot.

* * *

AN HOUR LATER:

"_E tu, _gals?" Raya whimpered as she saw her now prepubescent bandmates in Miss Bailey's office.

"Don't ask me what happened. I just woke up this way." Aja lisped.

Kimber giggled.

"What's so funny?"

"What if the Misfits-"

Raya went white as a sheet at the mere thought.

* * *

"Why'd Roxy lock herself up in the bathroom?" a young Stormer asked.

"_Because I'm trying to set my hair on fire. It's faster than pulling it all out_-"

"Bollocks! I'm still twenty-one!" a similarly youthful Jetta proclaimed.

"_You look like you're eight to me. Now, I wonder if Pizzazz'll mind if I borrow her credit card_-"

Pizzazz blew a raspberry.

"_I'll take that as a 'yes'._"

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

This is just a fun little idea I had. In case you're wondering, here's who got hit by Starscream's youth ray- Jessica, Aja, Kimber, Shana, Pizzazz, Stormer, Jetta, and Clash.


	54. Chapter 54

Chapter 54: Weird Science, Part 2

LOS ANGELES AUTOBOT OUTPOST:

"And that's the gist of it- I wake up as my normal sixteen year old self, my coworkers are eight-year olds, and now I know how Jessica feels whenever something involving the other kids happens."

Ratchet poked at the de-aged Kimber.

"It's probably the Decepticons. Now, you currently have two options- either wait for us to find out how they got like this in the first place, or you can wait another 15 years for them to grow up." he muttered.

The young Jessica winced.

"I really need a drink." she muttered.

* * *

MEANWHILE, AT THE DECEPTICON HEADQUARTERS:

"_STARSCREAM, YOU IMBECILE! I TOLD YOU WE STILL NEEDED TO WORK OUT THE KINKS IN THAT AGE ALTERATION DEVICE!_" Megatron shouted.

"But-"

"_YOU HAD ONE JOB, STARSCREAM! ONE JOB! AND WHAT HAPPENED? YOU SCREWED THE WHOLE THING UP, STARSCREAM! LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO- YOU BUNGLING IDIOT!_"

"But it was Waspin-"

"I can accept failure from Waspinator. _YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND- GAAAH! WHY IS GOOD HELP SO HARD TO FIND THESE DAYS! WHY DID I EVEN THINK IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO MAKE A KNOWN INCOMPETENT AND TRAITOR MY SECOND-IN-COMMAND? OH WAIT- I WAS INEBRIATED THAT DAY! _I knew I should have given the job to Shockwave!"

"But-"

"Now, the device."

"It exploded."

Megatron shrieked in rage and blasted Starscream through a nearby wall.

"_CONSTRUCTICONS- GET HIM OUT OF THERE!_"


	55. Chapter 55

Chapter 55: Weird Science, Part 3

"So, this is why you wanted to renegotiate your contracts." Eric Raymond muttered as he looked over Roxy and the de-aged other Misfits.

"I was thinking about 15 years off-"

"_15 YEARS! _Roxy, I expect a new album by the end of the month-"

"You're not going to get it until my coworkers get back to their normal adult selves, boss."

Eric looked down at Pizzazz.

"Does the little girl want a piece of candy? I think I have some in my desk-"

Pizzazz's fist rushed forward, and Eric recoiled in pain. His hands cupped around his groin.

"Don't you dare patronize me, Eric Raymond!" Pizzazz lisped.

Roxy suppressed a snicker at the scene.

"Sorry, boss- I just think she's overtired-"

"I am _not_ overtired!"

* * *

"Well, it took me _hours_ of phone calls, but I got someone to take your spot at the company until you get back to normal." Raya announced.

"Good. Now, I need a drink-" Jessica began.

"You're _eight years old_! And from what Aja's told me in the past, you're not exactly known for restraint-"

Jessica kicked her bandmate in the shins and ran.

"_Diabolitio!_ Jessica, you get back here or I'll tan your hide-"

"Do it, and you're out of a job!"

* * *

LATER THAT DAY:

"Well, at least they're older children. Believe me, I'd hate have to deal with them if they were five or under." Miss Bailey deadpanned.

"Yeah, but if Jessica's anything to go by, their minds haven't changed a bit." Raya grumbled.

"Well, idle hands are the devil's playthings. Tell you what- I've got some of their old stuff in my office…"

* * *

HALF AN HOUR LATER:

"Bad Aja! We don't go around trying to make gunpowder in the house! Go sit in the corner!" Raya scolded, confiscating the girl's chemistry set as she did so.

_How did Jessica's dad ever raise them?_ she thought.

Just then, an ear-splitting cry pierced the air.

"_Raya! Kimber's trying to take Mr. Tentacles!_" Ba Nee wailed.

_Madre di Dios- if I don't get help soon, I'm going to go completely mad._


	56. Chapter 56

Chapter 56: Weird Science, Part 4

"So, _this_ is what you could salvage from the device?" Megatron asked.

"Wazzpinator do good job salvaging!"

"Is that chewing gum?"

"With baling wire and electrical tape! Lots and lots of baling wire and electrical tape!"

Megatron raised his fusion cannon to his head in despair.

* * *

MEANWHILE:

"Oh, come on! I swear I landed at least three hits on that Ork-"

"Well, I'm the gamemaster, Clash. Now, give me your character sheet-"

The de-aged Misfits groupie blew a raspberry at Pizzazz and stormed off in a huff.

"That was low, even for you!" Stormer cried out.

"Rocks fall, everyone dies." Pizzazz retorted.

"_ROXY!_"

The sole adult Misfit entered the living room.

"What is it?"

"Pizzazz is being mean again!"

Roxy felt her blood pressure increase slightly.

"You know what, 'zazz? We're going next door."

Pizzazz gulped as her former underling grabbed her by the forearm.

"Let me go! I'll be good!"

Roxy was silent as she dragged her bandmate forward. Pizzazz struggled to wrench herself free of the bassist's vise-like grip, but to no avail.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

The game that the Misfits were playing was _Rogue Trader_, one of the games under the _Warhammer 40K Roleplaying_ series of tabletop RPGs.

Also, whatever Transformers use for chewing gum would probably pass for industrial-grade superglue for humans.


	57. Chapter 57

Chapter 57: Weird Science, Part 5

"Sorry, miss. We've got enough little girls as it is." Miss Bailey announced.

"You sure you can't take this one? She's a bit of a brat, and she'll probably cause your eardrums to break, but-" Roxy began.

"Sorry, but no. You'll have to deal with her yourself."

Pizzazz gulped as Roxy dragged her back to Gabor Mansion.

* * *

"_YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I'M YOUR BOSS!_"

"Well, who's the adult right now?" Roxy retorted.

"_You are._" Pizzazz lamented.

"Good."

* * *

HALF AN HOUR LATER:

"Well, that wasn't too-"

Roxy opened the door and dropped her water bottle. Standing right in the middle of the floor was Pizzazz, except she was taller now and had the beginnings of her prominent bust.

"Wha- wha-"

"I feel about five years older- wait, what?"

* * *

Meanwhile, Waspinator was flying overhead.

"Oh, Wazzpinator is thoroughly enjoying himself! Wazzpinator finally fix age-alteration device-"

As if on cue, the device shorted out, and Waspinator fell from the sky.

"Wazzpinator seriously considering other employment venues." he muttered as he flailed about, his head embedded in some unlucky person's roof.

* * *

"So, this how you opt to spend your second shot at childhood." Clash grumbled as she, Stormer, and Jetta walked down the sidewalk.

Jetta glared the Misfits' groupie, her expression reading _Not my idea._

"Look! There's something in the roof!" Stormer exclaimed, pointing at the large mechanical form.

"_Nothing to see here, little organics. Wazzpinator is suffering temporary setback-_"

"You're stuck in someone's roof, you bloody idiot!" Jetta retorted.

"_Wazzpinator has been through worse. At least Wazzpinator is all in one piece this time._"

As if on cue, Waspinator's head popped out of the roof, and the age-alteration device fell onto the sidewalk.

"This yours?" Stormer asked, examining the device that was at least her size.

"Wazzpinator no longer need it. Little blue-haired organic can have it."

* * *

"So, what's this thing do?" Roxy asked.

Stormer, Jetta, and Clash stared at each other.

"Well, everyone to the backyard. Let's see if this works."

The four young Misfits stood in front of the device as Roxy finished her repairs.

"You said you got this from one of those Transformers?"

Stormer nodded.

"Its innards look like something you could buy at any hardware store- is that chewing gum?"

"Just use the thing! The sooner I get my girlish figure back, the better!" Pizzazz demanded.

Roxy kicked the device, and the beam fired. Before her eyes, the others grew back into their adult forms.

"Well, that was…odd."

* * *

"So, your bandmates got turned into kids too?" Roxy asked.

Raya nodded as she held back Kimber.

"Well, we've got something for that. Just get them assembled in the backyard."

* * *

THAT NIGHT:

"Well, how was it being eight years old?" Raya asked.

"I've had worse." Jessica replied.

"You want a drink?"

"How could you tell?"


	58. Chapter 58

Chapter 58: Shattered Glass, Part 1

"And- done! The teleporter is ready for operations!" Wheeljack announced.

"Good going, Wheeljack!" Optimus Prime exclaimed.

Aja cleared her throat.

"And you too, Aja."

Scarlett, Kimber, Bombardier, Stormer, and Bumblebee all whistled at the device.

"Now, our inaugural transport will be our distinguished guests from the Holograms, the Misfits, Earth Corps, and GI Joe, along with Bumblebee." Wheeljack proclaimed.

"What if it-"

"Relax, Stormer. I've seen _The Fly_. That's why there's all kinds of failsafes built into this device."

Stormer sighed in relief as she and the others approached the device.

"Perceptor- how's everything on your end?"

"_Looking fine, Wheeljack. Except for one thing- there's anomalous ionic interference from the Van Allen belts. Maybe we should wait a few days-_"

"Belay that, Perceptor! Get ready to receive in 5…4…3…2…1- we have teleport!"

There was a blinding flash of light, and the five disappeared.

"And…success!"

There was another blinding flash of light as the five rematerialized, except these five were…off. Kimber's hair was now a fair bit darker, Stormer's was now a crew-cut, Bumblebee had a different body, and Scarlett and Bombardier had psychotic grins on their faces.

"What just happened?"

* * *

EARTH-SG:

"Wheeljack, you failed to account for fluctuations caused by the ionic interference!" a booming voice bellowed.

The five travelers materialized in a much darker Autobot outpost.

"The hell are we?"

"_But Optimus- I had no way of-_"

A laser shot filled the air, and a looming purple Optimus Prime emerged. At his feet was a moaning and convulsing Wheeljack.

"Till all are none." the former whispered.

Prime turned to a nearby figure.

"General Colton, your thoughts."

"I'll take one of those teleporters- several, in fact! After all, those sheeple I call American citizens won't be getting any thoughts of overthrow if I can send in the Joes in a heartbeat!"

"That, and it means I can spend less time on the road and more time in concert. Let's hear it for America's number one government-approved band: the Holograms!" a woman's voice cried out.

"Doctor Armstrong?"

"We have Slattery- no need for one of these fancy toys."

Just then, a portion of the outpost wall disintegrated as a silver and black alien jet flew in.

"MEGATRON!"

"That would be correct, Prime! Your reign of terror ends today, yess…" the jet proclaimed, transforming into a robot.

Optimus focused his weapon at the teleporter.

"One move, Megatron- and I blow this thing back to Cybertron! With the civilians inside it!"

As if on cue, Bumblebee transformed into his sedan alt-mode, and the four other travelers climbed inside.

"Book it, Bumblebee!" Stormer ordered.

The small Autobot raced towards the hole in the wall while "Dare To Be Stupid" blared through his interior.

"_Put down the chainsaw and listen to me! It's time for us to join in the fight!_" Scarlett sang.

Once they were outside, Kimber looked out the windshield and saw a hazy sky, dominated by the silhouettes of Mesopotamian, Mesoamerican, and Oriental-style buildings.

"Bumblebee, turn off the music. Let's see what's on NPR."

The Autobot complied.

"_Women of Los Angeles: any woman over the age of twenty-one who does not have a husband and a baby- in that order- is irresponsible and contributing to the moral decline of our society! Women, when your children come of age, they will be the workers, the farmers, and the soldiers that will unite North America under General Colton's benevolent rule! Any woman under the age of 21 convicted of fornication, adultery, or acts of same-sex intimacy will be sent to the Starlight Re-Education Center for counseling. Any woman over that age will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law-_"a computerized voice announced.

Kimber turned off the radio and gulped, with Stormer doing the same.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

This arc is dedicated to Benson Yee, creator of _Transformers: Shattered Glass_. In addition, this is also dedicated to the author known as "Stormkeeper", whose _Jem_ fanfic "Farewell to Life the Way We Knew It" was a major influence on this arc.


	59. Chapter 59

Chapter 59: Shattered Glass, Part 2

"This may be a dumb question- but where the hell are we?" Scarlett asked.

"Didn't you see that _Star Trek_ episode? The one where Spock was rockin' an epic goatee?" Bombardier replied.

"_Mirror, Mirror_?" came Stormer's response.

"Yeah- that was the name of it."

Bumblebee continued driving along the streets of the hellish Los Angeles. Overhead, the sky was the color of television tuned to a dead channel, while an infernal reddish glow rose from the buildings.

"What happened here?" Kimber asked to nobody in particular.

Just then, Bumblebee stopped.

"Wha-"

Two men approached the transformed Autobot. They were clad in white riot armor.

"_Identification, ma'am_."

"Pardon?" Stormer asked.

"_Los Angeles Civil Protection. We need to see your ID._"

Stormer fished through her wallet and produced her driver's license.

"_Mary Beatrice Phillips._" the officer read.

Stormer nodded.

The officer's compatriot grabbed a submachine gun from his holster.

"Wha-"

"_Shoot to kill- terminate with extreme prejudice!_"

There was a shot, and the officers fell dead.

"Wh-"

Out of the haze stepped a familiar platinum blonde clutching a shotgun.

"Roxy? What th-"

"So, you turned traitor on us. Why else would you have a Joe, a Hologram, an Autobot, and a member of Earth Corps with you?"

"Roxy- don't shoot! I can explain!"

Roxy eased off the trigger.

"Follow me to the old docks." she ordered.

* * *

SOME TIME LATER:

"So, what's the deal with this place? Why are the Autobots evil? Why are you going around with a shotgun? And most importantly- where are our pants?" Stormer asked.

Kimber looked down at her own nubile lower half, and then examined Scarlett.

"Bombardier, why can't we s-" Scarlett began.

"I'm wearing long underwear."

Kimber turned her gaze towards Stormer's uncovered rear and softly whistled.

"Here- some pants." Roxy announced, removing the clothes from an open shipping container.

* * *

A FEW MINUTES LATER:

"Well, what happened here?" Stormer asked.

Roxy sighed.

"About five, ten years ago, the government got overthrown by some hyper-ambitious general named Joseph Colton. Colton had his own private army- GI Joe- and they basically decided that they were running the country now." she began.

"And then what?"

"It got worse. Apparently, they made contact with some dictatorial alien robots shortly afterwards- called themselves the Autobots. Then Colton got born again, if you catch my drift."

"Oh sweet Jesus-"

"Yep. Basically, he's gone and thrown the Constitution out the window and runs things like a cross between your run-of-the-mill military dictator and a fundamentalist pastor."

Stormer gulped.

"What he's not spending on prepping for his plans of North American unification, he's blowing on various boondoggles. Tests to tell whether you're straight or not, starting up an Office of American Morality, you get the picture."

"What else is there?" Scarlett asked.

"Rationing on everything- if you're not in Joe Colton's social programs, you're basically not getting much to eat, drink, or be entertained by. That and he's hiked gas prices up for everyone but his goon squads. Also, he's basically seized guns as property of the state."

"Then why do you have a gun?" Kimber asked.

"I didn't say the state was _good_ at keeping an eye on its stuff."

Stormer raised her hand.

"Hasn't anyone tried to do something?"

Roxy snorted.

"They've _tried_. Thing is, Colton's got a little surprise for anyone who tries anything vaguely resembling an attempt at overthrow. By which I mean he's got big honking satellites in orbit ready to drop the rods of God on anyone who even so much as looks at him funny. That and GI Joe, Earth Corps, biochemical weaponry of all flavors, plus good old fashioned airstrikes."

There was a low braying of a boat's horn.

"Alright, here comes the ferryman. Password is 'Michael, row the boat ashore'." Roxy announced.


	60. Chapter 60

Chapter 60: Shattered Glass, Part 3

THE REMAINS OF THE USS FLAGG:

"Well, you brought friends." Pizzazz snarked, eyeing Roxy's cohorts as they walked off the makeshift ferry.

"Phyllis, I can explain."

Pizzazz dropped off her perch and eyed the five lost travelers.

"So, where are you from?" she asked.

"Another universe." Kimber replied.

"She's telling the truth, ma'am. We got here because of some teleporter-" Scarlett added.

Pizzazz sheathed her knife.

"Body language says you're telling the truth. Now, we're in a bit of a bind. Eric- tell Roxy what happened while she was away!"

Out of the darkness limped a man in what remained of a gray suit and red tie. On top of that seemed to be a device that resembled the spawn of the _Aliens_ power loader and a body cast.

"Eric Raymond? What the hell happened to you?" Stormer asked.

"Snake Eyes and Shipwreck, that's what."

Roxy was seemingly oblivious to the haggard man standing before her.

"What happened?"

"Civil Protection nabbed Jetta. Poor woman's been sent off to Starlight to be made into one of Colton's sheeple."

Pizzazz grimaced, as if the mere mention of the place had set something off in her.

"So, you want us to bust her out?"

Eric shook his head.

"Not yet. I need some volunteers to go and get themselves thrown in so we can find Jetta-"

Stormer raised her hand, and Kimber followed suit.

"You two are brave women, going into the lion's den. Now, before you go, does anyone have any questions?"

Stormer raised her hand.

"Yes?"

"What happened to Misfits Music?"

"_THIS IS WHAT'S LEFT OF MISFITS MUSIC!_ Colton called an orbital strike on the building when we started to stoke the fire of resistance- and now we're stuck broadcasting out of this old hulk!" Eric bellowed.

* * *

"Alright, so what's the plan?" Kimber asked.

"You and Stormer swallow these transmitters, then do something to kick the hornet's nest. Then you get yourself caught, sent to Starlight, find Jetta, and then wait for us to break you out." Roxy answered.

"Couldn't you or Pizzazz do this?" Scarlett asked.

Roxy winced.

"Lady, I've got a price on my head. Pizzazz broke out of Starlight once- and she's not planning to go back."

* * *

Bumblebee pulled up onto Sunset Boulevard, and Stormer and Kimber exited.

"How do we-"

"Stormer, I have an idea. Remember what that PSA said about women who were found guilty of same-sex intimacy?"

"Yeah. But-"

"Just go with it. Now, open wide…"

Stormer and Kimber grabbed each other and began to make out then and there. As if on cue, a Civil Protection officer approached them.

"_Citizens?_"

"Yes?" Kimber asked, trying her best to sound sultry.

* * *

HALF AN HOUR LATER:

"So this is Starlight House." Kimber muttered.

Stormer gulped as she saw a Gothic revival mansion looming over the vehicle.


	61. Chapter 61

Chapter 61: Shattered Glass, Part 4

"Kimber, Kimber, Kimber. Out of all my bandmates, I thought I could trust you." Jessica purred as the CP guard dragged Kimber and Stormer in.

"Jess, what the hell happened to you? You're better than this!" Kimber hissed.

"I…I don't understand what you're saying. Women and girls like you- we love them dearly. That's why we have places like Starlight. So we can teach you the error of your ways and bring you back upon the straight and narrow path-"

"What about the others? What about Aja? Or Raya? Or Shana?"

Jessica's eyes clouded over.

"Kimber, I don't want you to be Aja's newest plaything. She's…not right-"

"What is right in this-this-this hellhole?!" Stormer yelled.

"Stop sputtering like a wet toaster!" Jessica bellowed.

* * *

"Well, they're in. CP records indicate that the two were apprehended from sapphic activity…whatever the hell that means." Bombardier announced as he peered over a computer terminal.

"Any sign where they're being held?" Pizzazz asked.

Bombardier's fingers pounded on the keyboard.

"Block A, Cell 113. Other inmates- Sheila Burns, alias 'Jetta'."

"Well, let's go in an'-"

"Hold it, Scarlett! It's not going to be so easy-" Bumblebee exclaimed.

Scarlett swiveled around.

"Bee, I've got this all figured out. I'm probably still in the Joes, right?"

Eric Raymond slowly turned around.

"Wrong wrong wrong wrong! Wrong wrong wrong wrong! You're wrong! You're wrong! You're wrong!" he proclaimed, his words timed to the Westminster chimes.

"Wh-"

"According to my research, you've been mothballed. Colton still calls you out for the occasional termination with extreme prejudice, but otherwise, you're living it all nice and cozy in Martha's Vineyard. To put it simply, you're not getting into Starlight!"

Scarlett tapped her lip.

"What about COBRA? Are they a thing around here?"

"Yeah. We're trying to help them overthrow you-know-who-" Roxy began.

"Say no more. I'm in." Scarlett replied.

Bombardier cleared his throat.

"Saddle up! Lock and load!" he announced.


	62. Chapter 62

Chapter 62: Shattered Glass, Part 5

"Well well well. Didn't expect to see one of Colton's goons in here." Jetta commented.

Kimber pouted as the cell door closed.

"So, now what? Do we just sit here?"

"No. In the morning, they start the re-education process." Jetta replied.

"We're not staying here until then. How do we get out?"

"You go through Benton's little sheeple 101 courses, and then you promise you'll never go off the straight and narrow path."

"Big help you are, Jetta." Stormer commented.

"When'd you let your hair grow out? I thought you cut it after we lost Clash."

"The hell are you talking about?"

"What- you don't remember when Colton dropped the Rods from God on the studio? And how Clash was the only one who didn't make it out?"

Stormer blinked.

"You were crying and wailing-"

"We're not from here. Long story short, we're from another universe that doesn't suck as much as this one, and we got sent here thanks to a malfunctioning Autobot teleporter-" Kimber began.

"Autobot?"

"They're the good guys in our universe."

* * *

"Okay- let's go over this one more time. Bombardier, you live up to your codename and blow a hole in the north wall. Drednoks, you go make mayhem. Bumblebee, you and I'll go in and bust our buddies out. Any questions?"

Silence arose.

"Alright- let's roll." Scarlett announced.

* * *

"_We're Cold Slither! Hope you're joining us soon!_" Kimber began.

"What the bleeding hell are you doing?" Jetta asked.

"Pitch in, and you'll find out."

"_A band of vipers- playing our tune! Break the iron fist/with a reptile hiss! Freedom now!_" Jetta bellowed.

"'_Just wait and see!' Shout the powers that be! I reply: 'Don't tread on me!'_" the other inmates sang.

"_Fascism's a joke! Anarchy's for fools! Just give us a vote- and we'll choose who rules!_" Stormer yelled out, following the other inmates' singing.

* * *

"_We're Cold Slither/Heavy metal machine! Restore the Constitution- that is our dream!_" the inmates sang as the security footage played.

Aja fumed with rage as she leaned over the control panel.

"Pipe down in there- or you're all getting extra time in the agony booth!" she bellowed into the intercom.

"_When the venom stings- a new order brings/Freedom back!_" the inmates finished.

Aja grinned as she prepared to electrify the whole cell block.

_Three. Two. O-_

The power suddenly went out.

* * *

"GO GO GO!" Scarlett yelled as the local Drednoks rolled through the gaping hole in the re-education center's outer wall.

Bumblebee rolled in through the hole as well.

"_You got any requests?_" he asked.

Scarlett grinned.

"Dare to Be Stupid."

* * *

Inside the building, Aja screamed and howled as her security monitors went dead.

"Synergy- I need full power to the cells' agonizers!"

"_Aja, we are currently experiencing a power sh-_"

"Do it, or I'll blow you to bits!"

"_Activating A. Leith's personal agonizer._"

"F-"

Aja fell out of her chair and begin writhing on the floor as immeasurable pain coursed through her.

* * *

"_Settle down, raise a family, join the PTA! Buy some sensible shoes and a Chevrolet! Then party 'till you're broke and they drag you away- it's okay! You can dare to be stupid!_" Scarlett sang as Bumblebee raced through the vast cell blocks.

"Approaching Stormer and Kimber now!" the Autobot cried out.

Bumblebee stopped and ejected Scarlett before transforming into his robot mode.

"Over here!" Kimber yelled.

The small yellow Autobot ripped the cell door off its hinges and picked up the three inmates.

"Let's book it!" Scarlett ordered.


	63. Chapter 63

Chapter 63: Shattered Glass, Part 6

"Now- how do we get back to our own universe?" Kimber asked once everyone was back at the Misfits' headquarters.

"I'd try getting back to that teleporter for starters. Whatever caused you to come here in the first place is probably responsible- and it's probably not going to go away for some time." Pizzazz piped up.

"Good luck getting back to it- we're going to be wanted fugitives when Jessica puts two and two together!" Jetta retorted.

"There's a way. We're going to need to go up to Washington, though…" Bombardier mused.

* * *

LOS ANGELES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT:

"_Attention, citizens! This is Conrad Hauser, administrator of the Southern California Metroplex. Earlier today, three inmates escaped the Starlight Re-Education Facility for Wayward and Perverse Girls and Young Women in Los Angeles. One is Jetta of the Misfits- a known rabble-rouser and firebrand. Of the other two, the identity of one has been withheld from the press, while the other is Stormer of the Misfits- another known rabble-rouser and firebrand. If you or anyone you know happen to see these women, please report them to Civil Protection._"

Stormer gulped as she adjusted the coat that Bombardier had provided for her.

"Now, don't panic and let me do the talking." Bombardier piped up.

The four approached the security checkpoint.

"I wonder how Bumblebee's doing…" Kimber whispered.

"Last I heard, he was making his way up on his own. Said he'd meet us outside Seattle or something." Scarlett replied.

"_Alright, we're going to need to do the test._" one of the security personnel announced.

"Test?" Scarlett asked.

"_Standard blood test to see if you're a drug addict or a homosexual. Most people pass._"

"Any chance of false positives?" Kimber asked.

"_We get a few every week. That's why every positive gets the test again._"

Scarlett removed one of her tactical gloves and pricked her finger on a waiting disposable needle.

"_Negative. You're free to go_."

Bombardier was next, and he did the same. However, there was a slight buzz.

"_Sir, we'll need you to retake the test_."

Bombardier pricked his finger with a clean needle.

"_Just like we thought- false positive. Sorry for the inconvenience, sir._"

Kimber proceeded to take the test.

"_Negative. You're free to go._"

Finally, Stormer pricked her finger on a waiting clean needle.

"_Ma'am, we'll need you to retake the test._"

Stormer winced as she did so. There was a slight buzz.

"_Positive. Excuse me, ma'am, but would you be so kind as to step aside?_"

"What's going on?" Scarlett asked.

"_On-site detention. Shouldn't take more than a day-_"

"Sir, we have a flight to catch in about fifteen minutes-"

"_Ma'am, I'm warning you. We are authorized to use lethal force if the situation requires it-_"

"I'm in the Army, son. I'm just as authorized to use legal force as you are."

"_Ma'am, you have two options. Either you and your party move along, or this gets ugly._"

Bombardier felt his blood pressure rise.

"Look, I don't know who you are, but I have a plane to catch!"

"_Ma'am, I'm warning you. Back down, or this gets real ugly._"

Bombardier ran forward and slugged one of the security personnel.

"_Re-_"

The other guard was slammed against a window.

"Come one! Let's go!" Scarlett ordered.

In the hubbub of Bombardier's brawl, the four travelers slipped away with ease.

* * *

"So, why'd the test show up positive?" Bombardier whispered once the plane was airborne.

_Here's a hint- I don't do drugs_. Stormer signed.

_You're lesbian?_ Bombardier signed back.

_Technically bi, but I prefer women on the whole_. Stormer signed.

Bombardier softly chuckled.

_What's so funny?_ Stormer signed.

"Stormer- I don't care which way you swing. And the thing is, most people don't either unless you go and make a big thing out of it." Kimber whispered, leaning in from her seat.

"What she said." Bombardier added.

"Ditto." Scarlett piped up.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

For the record, I am straight. That being said, I do not care about other peoples' sexual orientations as long as they do not flaunt that status and keep it private. Quoth P.E Trudeau, the 15th Prime Minister of Canada: "There's no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation" and "What's done in private between adults doesn't concern the Criminal Code".

So there. I've given my opinion, and you are free to hold yours. That being said, do not make rude comments in the reviews- remember, just because you can say something doesn't mean that you should.

And before anyone accuses me of homophobia, the test scene was to further establish that SG!Joe Colton is a megalomaniacal dictator. If his taking over the United States, turning it into a military dictatorship influenced heavily by reactionary Christian fundamentalism, planning to annex Canada and Mexico (and having American women marry and give birth at young ages to acquire the manpower necessary for such schemes), using orbital weapons/private troops/biochemical weapons to crush dissent, and establishing re-education centers wasn't subtle enough to make the point that he was stark raving mad, this should cement it.

And now I know I'm probably going to get hate mail in droves. And again, I wish to thank "Stormkeeper" for the whole idea of the blood test. Also, I wish to thank whoever wrote the lyrics to the Shattered Glass version of "Cold Slither".


	64. Chapter 64

Chapter 64: Shattered Glass, Part 7

"Colton's goon squads are going to be looking for us the minute we hit the tarmac. We're going to need to lie low, cover our tracks-" Stormer whispered.

Scarlett dug through her purse.

_I've got all kinds of fake IDs- really helps with Joe business. Also, lots of cash and money cards._ she signed.

_Good to know._ Stormer signed back.

* * *

"So, this is what you decided to get us." Kimber muttered as the quartet approached a smallish building.

"It was cheap, the clerk didn't ask questions over the phone, and we were guaranteed privacy. Perfect place to lie low for the night." Scarlett retorted.

"It's a coffin hotel!" Kimber retorted.

"It's got heating, among other things."

* * *

Bombardier grimaced as he observed his quarters.

"I don't think I can fit." he muttered.

"Try sleeping in the fetal position." Kimber retorted.

"I'll share my capsule with you, Bombardier." Stormer announced.

Scarlett snorted.

"Kid, you really want to share one of these? I'm telling you- you're going to be so sore in the morning." she retorted.

"Nothing a massage won't fix."

* * *

Scarlett stared up at the roof of her capsule as Kimber passed by.

"Scarlett, I just wanted to say-"

"Thanks for breaking you out? Thank Bombardier and Bumblebee."

"Look, I know we're going through a rough patch-" Kimber began.

Scarlett opened her capsule's door.

"Kim, we're not out of it yet. We've still got to make it to the _Ark_ and its teleporter- assuming we can still use the same trick that got us here in the first place."

Kimber sighed.

"It's just-"

"It's Stormer, isn't it?" Scarlett asked.

"Yeah. I mean, I've occasionally had feelings around other women, but I'm mostly attracted to m-"

"Kid, I've fought alongside people of all colors, creeds, sexual orientations- you name it. Believe me, I've gotten hot and bothered around my female cohorts before. Had some of my best flings with ladies, too."

"What's your point?"

"You've got a big sis, right?"

"Yeah, but-"

"Just let her know you want to talk. That way, she'll be prepared when she learns you're playing for both teams."

"Thanks, Scarlett."

"Anytime."

* * *

THE NEXT MORNING:

"Well, how was it?" Scarlett asked, stretching as she did.

"I know why they call them coffin hotels now." Stormer lamented as she worked a crick out of her neck.

"Same here." Bombardier groaned.

Kimber was busy rubbing her joints, hoping to restore blood flow to them.


	65. Chapter 65

Chapter 65: Shattered Glass, Part 8

"How bad is it?" Stormer asked.

"_Bad. Every Civil Protection officer from Los Angeles to here is looking for you four- and they've got the Joes and some of the flying Autobots lending a hand._" Bumblebee answered.

"Any chance we can-"

"_No. The _Ark_'s probably surrounded by everything Optimus can field. Luckily, I heard that the Decepticons are making a move on it. Apparently, Megatron's assault when we first arrived galvanized them into making a swift strike-_"

"Good thinking! We can take advantage of the fight, get to the teleporter, and get the hell out of here." Kimber piped up.

The other three nodded.

"Autobots- transform and roll out!" Kimber shouted.

* * *

"Decepticons- we stand here today to mark a glorious battle. For years, we have been hounded by the cruel Autobots and their allies. But today- WE STRIKE AT THE HEAD! For both our freedom and the freedom of the poor souls who cower under Joseph Colton's iron fist, we strike! All who are with me, raise your servos!" Megatron proclaimed.

There was a roar from the amassed Decepticons.

"Starscream- my most loyal and competent lieutenant- you shall lead the first attack against the _Ark_!"

* * *

"_Wasp-01 to SCP Mobile Command Adam-00. We have no sign of yellow sedan with red Autobot insignia._"

"_MC Adam-00 to Wasp-01. Try harder._"

In the forest below, Bumblebee and his four cohorts lay in wait as the Civil Protection helicopter flew over them.

_Do you think they found us?_ Stormer signed.

_No. We're safe as long as we remain still._ Scarlett signed back.

_Guys- I need to stretch my legs._ Bombardier signed.

_It can wait!_ Scarlett signed back.

"_Wasp-01 to SCP MC Adam-00. Still no sign, and we are low on fuel._"

"_MC Adam-00 to Wasp-01. Check the highways._"

The drone of the helicopter engines ceased, and Bumblebee roared to life.

* * *

AT THE ARK:

"The 'Cons! They're coming this way!" Ironhide bellowed.

"Then fight them." came Optimus's response.

Before Ironhide could say anything, he was obliterated.

"Autobots- your reign of tyranny ends today! For the freedom of Earth- DECEPTICONS! ATTACK!" Starscream boasted.

* * *

As Bumblebee approached the _Ark_, the glare of energy weapons lit up the sky.

"_Almost there! Just a little further-_"

An explosion nearly toppled the small yellow Autobot.

"BUMBLEBEE! Are you alright?" Stormer screeched.

"_Fine- just a bit shaken._"

Scarlett looked out the window.

"We're in! Now, let's get to that teleporter!"

* * *

"It ends today, Megatron! One shall stand, and one shall fall!" Optimus boasted.

"Prime, I did not wish for it to come to this. But your sanity or lack thereof has forced my hand! Your reign of terror ends now!"

Optimus laughed as he revealed his axe and swung it towards Megatron. Before he could do so, there was a sudden blast of energy from Megatron's fusion cannon.

* * *

"Come on! Come on! Work!" Stormer pleaded as Scarlett made the final adjustments to the teleporter.

"Is everyone ready?" Bumblebee asked.

"YES!"

The teleporter lit up, and the five were sent hurtling through time and space.

* * *

EARTH-H:

The teleporter in the Los Angeles outpost lit up, and the five travelers returned.

"Is this…are we…" Stormer stammered.

"We're home, kiddo. We're right back where we belong." Scarlett replied.

The lights turned on, and Optimus Prime, Jessica, Pizzazz, Snake Eyes, and Auger approached.

"What- they're back?" Pizzazz asked.

Tears of joy streaked down Jessica's face at the scene.


	66. Chapter 66

Chapter 66: Shattered Glass Follow-Up

"Kimmy, you need a shower." Jessica teased.

"But-"

"When was the last time you washed?"

"A few days ago." Kimber admitted.

"Explains the smell."

Kimber turned away.

"Wh-"

"Jess, I've got a confession."

"What?"

"I think I'm…bi." Kimber stammered.

Jessica embraced her sister in a reassuring hug.

"You're still Kimber. And you still need that shower." she whispered.

* * *

"Called it. You owe me ten bucks, Roxy." Jetta snarked.

"Just because she said-"

"You dug your own grave, Yank. You said if she gave an oral confession…" Jetta began, snickering at her own innuendo.

Pizzazz was silent as she reclined in the sunlight, her mind still absorbing Stormer's self-outing.

_Well, guess we all knew on some level._ she thought.

* * *

"So, you're saying that in that alternate universe, good old Joe Colton took over America and made us his personal army?" Duke asked.

Scarlett nodded.

"Well, time to update the command charter. New rule- if we're ordered to overthrow a friendly government, we're not doing it." Hawk replied.

"Even if it comes from Old Joe himself." Shipwreck added.

"Especially if it comes from General Colton." Snake Eyes added, his hands grasping a cup of coffee.

* * *

"Well, young grasshopper. You have learned well." Auger teased as he approached Bombardier.

The latter grinned as Auger playfully tussled his hair.

"Still- you didn't get to see us in that alternate universe?"

"Didn't go out to Modesto. Probably wouldn't have wanted to meet you, judging from how everything else was. I mean, Starlight Mansion was some kind of re-education center for lesbians or something-" Bombardier began.

"What's this I hear about lesbians?" Bright piped up.

"You didn't hear anything, Dr. Perverted Light. It was just your imagination."

_Speaking of, I never knew Stormer swung that way._ Auger signed.

_Just like you told me- it doesn't matter what way someone swings. It just matters that they swing the way you need them to when it counts._ Bombardier signed back.

_Still- you'd think we'd get invited to whatever she was doing for her coming-out bash. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do with all this rum?_ Auger signed.

"You know I can read sign language, Auger. And if you're wondering what to do with the rum, try using it for fuel or for calibration purposes."

"One of these days…" Auger muttered.


	67. Chapter 67

Chapter 67: The Stingers, Part 1

"So, who's the lucky guy or gal?" Jessica asked as Kimber exited her room in a Hawaiian-print shirt and khakis.

"It's a group get-together, big sis. Me, Stormer, Marcus, and Scarlett are going out to that new club- the- the- the-"

"The Howling Tempest?"

"That's it."

Jessica giggled slightly.

"Didn't expect that Bombardier'd be going to an all-ladies' club."

"Said some old friends of his were doing a gig there."

* * *

"What'll it be?" a waitress asked.

"Shirley Temple." Stormer announced.

"Whiskey sour." Scarlett added.

"_Marillenbrand_." Bombardier piped up.

"Virgin Shirley Temple." Kimber ordered.

The waitress scribbled down the drink orders and left.

* * *

"So, how'd it go with you two?" Scarlett asked.

"Jess took the news pretty well." Kimber answered.

"Pizzazz and Clash didn't seem to have strong opinions. Roxy was pretty ticked, but that's probably because she and Jetta were gambling on whether I'd come out or not." Stormer added.

Bombardier quietly chuckled at the thought as he sipped his brandy, straining his ears to the music blaring in the background.

"So, you wanted us to meet some friends of yours?" Kimber asked.

"Yeah."

"Where are they?"

Bombardier pointed to the stage, where three blond musicians were playing. Two of them were women, and the other was a long-haired man.

"Who-"

"I'll let you meet them after they're done playing."


	68. Chapter 68

Chapter 68: The Stingers, Part 2

"Hey, Eric- did you check the fluid level in your brain?" Pizzazz hissed.

"Stop being a diva. You're doing a team-up with the hottest new act I've found- Cold Slither!"

Pizzazz's eye twitched.

"Tell me you at least got them a hotel…" she muttered.

* * *

"So, who's who again?" Kimber asked.

Bombardier patiently sighed.

"The chick with the ponytail's named Rapture, the chick with the hat calls herself Minx, and the only dude in this outfit calls himself Riot." he explained.

"So, what you called them-" Stormer began.

"I'm the only guy with first-name privileges with my old band currently."

The other three guests nodded.

"So, Marcus- do you want me to do anything?" Rapture asked.

"Give my friends a little show."

Rapture nodded, and the club's green room disappeared, a rolling Irish countryside replacing it. Her hands and eyes were glowing a kaleidoscopic green as she did so.

"So, what's the secret?" Scarlett asked.

"Magic. She's the real deal- just like Liquidator." Bombardier answered.

* * *

"Well, it was nice seeing you again." Stormer announced as she emerged from the car.

"Likewise. Next time, you want do something with just me, or do you want to do another group outing?" Kimber replied.

"Just you."

"See you around."

Stormer waved as Kimber drove on back to the Starlight Mansion.

* * *

A FEW MINUTES LATER:

"Why are we in the basement?" Stormer asked.

"Eric wants us to do a double-act with some band called Cold Slither." Pizzazz answered.

"And they're living with us _why_?"

"Eric said it'd help foster band relations."

* * *

Meanwhile, in his office, Eric Raymond was grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"Raymond to CC. Come in, CC."

"_This is CC. How goes our plan, Eric?_"

"Smoothly. By associating themselves with the Misfits, Cold Slither will reach a wide audience. And you shall have many willing recruits."

"_Excellent! You're on your way to finally becoming a member of my inner circle!_"

"I know. Raymond out. Hail you, Cobra Commander!"

Eric hung up, and began laughing evilly.


	69. Chapter 69

Chapter 69: The Stingers, Part 3

"J, I need a little help!" Kimber exclaimed.

Jessica opened the door and saw her younger sister struggling to put on a corset.

"Er-"

"Shana wanted me to show off some of her new steampunk stuff. And I figured that since I was going out with Stormer anyways-"

Jessica sighed.

"I'll help with the corset."

* * *

"You done in there?" Ripper griped.

"_You know, Pizzazz can throw you out of the house._" Stormer retorted.

"She wouldn't dare, you blue-haired dy-"

Buzzer clapped his hand over his fellow Dreadnok's mouth.

"Don't say it unless you want Roxy to beat you up."

"I'll say what I damn please, you pretentious intellectual git!"

* * *

"So, you want to do dinner or something?" Kimber asked as she entered Stormer's car.

"Sure. Any ideas?"

Kimber paused for thought.

"There's a nice Turkish place in the neighborhood called the Cafe Istanbul. It's not particularly fancy, but it's good." she piped up.

"Let's go with that." Stormer replied.

* * *

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER:

"Ah! My friends from the Howling Tempest!" Riot announced.

Kimber's eyes went wide as she saw the Stingers and Bombardier seated in the restaurant.

"Good to see you two. I was just showing Rory and his friends around LA, they wanted something from back home-"

"Where's 'back home'?" Stormer asked.

"Rhine-Ruhr Metroplex." Minx piped up.

Kimber quizzically tilted her head.

"There's a pretty big Turk population in Germany, _meine Freundinen._" Bombardier explained.

"Aren't you supposed to, you know, be fighting Inhumanoids?" Stormer asked as she and Kimber took their seats.

"I opted to take a bit of a vacation. You'd be surprised at how many personal days I racked up in the three years since I joined Earth Corps."

"But-"

"They've got some new guy doing my job. His name's Anatoly Kiev, retired Colonel in the Russian army. We call him Tank since that's what we built his suit out of."

A waitress came around.

"May I take your orders?" she asked.

Bombardier cleared his throat.

"I'll take the imam bayildi for the six of us for starters. As for drinks, Turkish coffee all around."

The waitress scribbled down the order and left.

"What's imam bayildi?" Stormer asked.

Bombardier was grinning like a goon.

"It's a Turkish eggplant dish. Basically, you stuff a whole braised eggplant with onion, garlic, and tomatoes and simmer it in olive oil. It's served at room temperature, too."

* * *

"Knock it off! I'm trying to sleep!" Pizzazz yelled as Cold Slither played on the floor above.

The band did not comply with her request.

"For the love of God- shut up!"

Pizzazz flung her head downward and covered it with a pillow.

"_We're Cold Slither- you'll be joining us soon! A band of vipers- playing our tune! With an iron fist, and a reptile hiss- we shall rule!_"

* * *

"And then Nightcrawler's like- 'I am the toxic spirit of pollution and taint! Fear my mutant hordes!'. And then I'm like- 'Your mutant hordes suck! I just blew them up!'"

Riot laughed at Bombardier's story.

"Oh, Marcus! You really have been getting into adventures!" he chuckled.

"Did you get all of Nightcrawler's mutants?" Stormer asked.

"We got as many as we could, except for some snakeman that COBRA stole. But I'm pretty certain he wasn't important."

Kimber looked up from her beef kebab.

"Tell us about the time you blew up the ziggurat in San Francisco." she requested.

"Ah- my finest hour. It was a little bit after we had foiled Blackthorne Shore's plan to bring about a disaster by setting off seismic warheads along the San Andreas Fault, and right after he broke himself and the Inhumanoids out with that blood magic stuff…"

* * *

"Welcome to Cold Slither, Misfits. Your new costumes await in the trunk."

Pizzazz, Roxy, and Jetta nodded. Their vacant stares sent a shiver up Buzzer's spine.

"Who's next?" Jetta asked.

"The Holograms."


	70. Chapter 70

Chapter 70: The Stingers, Part 4

"Hello? Anyone home?" Kimber asked as she walked into a mysteriously dark Starlight Mansion.

Silence.

"Big sis? Aja? Shana? Raya?"

No response.

"Girls? Is anybody home?"

"If you're looking for Jessica, Aja, Shana, and Raya- they're not here." Miss Bailey announced.

"What?"

* * *

"Welcome, Misfits and Holograms. You are now one with Cold Slither. We shall play our songs wherever we are wanted- and we will make a fat load of cash doing so."

"Yes." came a mass reply.

* * *

"What do you mean, nobody's home?" Stormer asked as she entered the mansion.

"Jess, Aja, Shana, Raya- Miss Bailey said they left."

Bombardier surveyed the front hall.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are." he called.

As if on cue, Bombardier felt someone tug on his pant leg.

"Hello?"

Kimber looked down and saw Terri clinging to Bombardier.

"What's going on?" the former asked.

ONE EXPLANATION LATER:

"So both our bands have gone and become part of that Cold Slither outfit?" Stormer asked.

"According to what Terri said, yes."

Stormer grimaced.

"I smell a big rat in a gray suit behind this…" she muttered.

* * *

COBRA COMMAND, LOS ANGELES FRANCHISE:

Eric Raymond walked into the chamber and surveyed his fellow COBRA officers.

"I knew you were cut out for this job." Cobra Commander proclaimed.

"Just get it over with. I have plans." Eric replied.

There was a pre-recorded fanfare.

"Eric James Raymond, do you swear your eternal allegiance to COBRA and all that it stands for?"

"I do, Commander."

"Do you vow to never betray us to anyone?"

"I do, Commander."

"And do you have the capability to accept this glorious position?"

"I do, Commander."

"I dub thee- Puff Adder!"

Destro and the Baroness snickered.

"Arise, Puff Adder!" Cobra Commander proclaimed.

Destro and the Baroness broke into howling laughter.

"_WHAT'S SO FUNNY?!_" Cobra Commander bellowed.

The Commander turned back to Eric.

"Your new uniform's in the trunk."

Eric nodded, walked towards the steamer trunk, and opened it. Inside was a dark gray leather trenchcoat, a pair of mirrored sunglasses, tactical gloves, a pair of fashionable European trousers, and combat boots.

"COBRA!" he shrieked.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

The puff adder (_Bitis arietans_) is a real snake native to sub-Saharan Africa and parts of Morocco, Yemen, and Saudi Arabia. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. _*GI JOE!_*

Also, fanart challenge. This time, draw any of the following as if they were members of Cold Slither: Jem, Shana, Aja, Raya, Pizzazz, Roxy, and Jetta.


	71. Chapter 71

Chapter 71: The Stingers, Part 5

STARLIGHT DRIVE-IN:

"You four wait here. Bombardier and I have some business to attend to." Kimber announced.

And with that, the two approached a small outbuilding. Inside, there was a manhole leading down beneath the drive-in.

"You sure this is where we're supposed to go?" Bombardier asked.

Kimber nodded, and the two entered the underground area where Synergy was kept.

"_It's been a long time, Kimber_." Synergy proclaimed.

"We've got a situation. Ever hear of Cold Slither?"

"_I have._"

"Well, they've got the Holograms _and_ the Misfits under their control."

"_What?_"

"I said-"

"_I know what you said._"

"Any ideas?"

"_I might have a few…_"

"So, let me get this straight. You want us to use the Starlight Girls to impersonate our bands to steal the spotlight from Cold Slither?" Stormer asked.

"That's the shape of things." Kimber replied.

"It's not going to work. For one thing, I'm pretty sure the audience c-"

"You have a better idea?" Kimber asked.

Bombardier shot his hand up.

"You're forgetting the Stingers. We can use them to steal Cold Slither's thunder- and let us knock Cold Slither down a peg or three."

* * *

FORD AMPHITHEATER

TWO NIGHTS LATER:

"I can't believe you talked me into this." Rio grumbled as he looked at a set of electrician's gloves that Kimber had laid out before him.

"Look, it's our best shot at getting Jessica back. Trust me."

Rio sighed and put the gloves on.

"Are the Stingers ready?" he asked.

"Ready as they'll ever be." Stormer answered.

"Good. We'll need the distraction."

* * *

"Glad you could make it, Puff Adder!" Cobra Commander proclaimed.

"This had better work, boss. I've been busting my chops for you for years behind the scenes, and I'm not letting it go down the drain." Eric replied.

"It'll work! After all, what better way to get people to listen to Cold Slither than to have the Misfits and the Holograms as part of the act?"

* * *

"Can't believe you guys came up with this idea without any help." Scarlett murmured as she readied a shotgun.

"You sure you want to come along? I mean, we've got every-" Rio began.

"I've been fighting COBRA long enough to know their tricks. Believe me, you'll need my help."

"Deal." Stormer replied.

* * *

The spotlights focused on the expanded Cold Slither, and they began to play.

"_We're Cold Slither- you'll be joining us soon! A band of vipers- playing our tune!_" an enthralled Jem sang.

"_With an iron fist and a reptile hiss- we shall rule!_" a similarly controlled Pizzazz continued.

* * *

"You sure you've got it down, Synergy?" Kimber asked.

"_I know what I'm doing. Once I start the distraction, you'll need to move quickly. Just give me the cue._"

Kimber bit her lip.

"It's showtime, Synergy!" she announced into her smartphone.

* * *

"What's going on? Why am I not getting crystal-clear sound reception from my concert?" Cobra Commander whined.

"_Sir- there's something wrong in the sound room. The equipments- well, it keeps readjusting itself-_" a Viper lamented.

"Then fix it!"

"_But sir… that's not in our pay grade. That's union work, and-_"

"_THE ONLY UNION YOU SHOULD BE CONCERNED ABOUT IS THE ONE BETWEEN YOUR HEAD AND YOUR SHOULDERS! NOW GET BUSY!_"

"_Y-y-yes, sir._"

The intercom clicked off.

"I'm so terribly sorry for shouting in your presence, Puff Adder. It's a sad fact that underlings so often only respond to yelling-"

The intercom went off again.

"_WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SOMEONE'S TAKING OVER THE SHOW? _You're Dreadnoks- you can handle it-"

"_OH SWEET JESUS I'M BURNING! ALL THAT BLOND WITH THE STUPID HAIRCUT DID WAS WAVE HER HANDS AROUND, AND NOW I'M ON FIRE!_" a Dreadnok cried over the intercom.

"_WHAT?!_ Have you been drinking again, Buzzer?"

"_Where'd you get those drones- OH GOD I'VE BEEN TAZED!_"

"What's going on down there?" Eric asked.

"Puff Adder, don't worry-"

The intercom went off yet again.

"What is it this time?"

"_Sir- there's a guy with purple hair and a redhead- THAT'S THE CABLE TO THE MAIN SPEAKERS, YOU LOONS! They're tearing the sound room apart!_"

"Deal with it yourself."

There was a loud noise as the VIP booth doors were kicked open, and Scarlett, Stormer, and Bombardier stormed in.

"_HOW'D YOU GET PAST MY GUARDS?!_"

"Lights were out. Now, CC- who's your partner here?"

"I am Puff Adder- the latest of the Commander's lieutenants!"

"Why's your voice sound familiar?" Stormer mused.

"Er- I mean, Puff Adder- ATTACK!"

Puff Adder lunged at Stormer, only to be stopped mid-lunge by Scarlett. As he fell to the floor, his hat and neck garter fell loose.

"Oh my god." Stormer whispered as she looked at Puff Adder's face.

The COBRA officer raised his head up and leered at Stormer.

"Eric? You're- you're with COBRA?" Stormer asked.

"Yes! I've been with them for years! And now, I've joined the Commander's inner circle!"

Scarlett leapt into the air and landed legs-first onto Eric's shoulders.

"Get off me- you crazy b-"

"Manners!"

Eric toppled over onto the floor.

"So, you want to tell me who you really are, Puff Adder?" Bombardier asked.

"My name is Eric James Raymond! I am the head of Misfits Music-"

"And smile! You're on Candid Camera!"

Everyone's head turned and saw Video and Lin-Z walk into the VIP booth.

"And how was that take, V?"

"We're using it."

Cobra Commander ran for it and dove out a nearby window.

* * *

"_ERIC WAS WHAT?!_" Pizzazz screeched.

The core members of Cold Slither ran for it while they still could.

"I take it this means we're out of work." Jetta mumbled, trying to remove her Cold Slither makeup.

"Yeah. Might as well go to the unemployment office." Roxy added.

"Or we could find some other label." Stormer suggested.

Pizzazz turned around.

"Who'd want to sign us up?"

* * *

THE NEXT DAY:

"Your new contracts. Welcome back to Starlight Records, Misfits." the HR clerk announced.

Pizzazz was silent as she signed her name on the form.

* * *

"If you sign on with Misfits Music, I'll give you half the company!" Eric pleaded from inside his jail cell.

"Why would I want half of a company that's going under? Your stock price is falling and your main investor's pulled out. That and you lost your biggest cash cow to Benton." Riot retorted.

"So what'll you do? Sign on with the same company as the Holograms?"

"Wrong. We'll do what we've always done- go indie." Rapture and Minx announced in unison.


	72. Chapter 72

Chapter 72: Do You Believe In Magic, Part 1

"Well, how does it feel working with Jem?" Clash asked.

"Better than it did working for Eric. I've got a bigger office, the boss lady's a bit more tolerant of delays, and the coffee's actually half-decent." Pizzazz answered.

"Aren't you supposed to h-"

Pizzazz raised her hand.

"Clash, just because I've got a 'feud' with Jem doesn't mean that I hate her. I respect her."

"But Roxy said-"

"That was a _long_ time ago. Call it what you will- mellowing out, building respect through shared adversity, or finding something bigger for your hate- fact is, I can't hate her like I did back when we were starting out."

"You want me to do something?" Clash asked.

"Yes. You- get me coffee."

* * *

"_Do you believe in magic/in a young girl's heart? How the music can free her, whenever it starts?_" Stormer idly sang.

The intercom on her desk buzzed.

"Yes?"

"_Stormer, it's Kimber. The office-warming party's tonight for you guys is tonight, and Jessica wanted me to ask for your input on the drinks._"

"Knowing Roxy and Jetta, they'll bring their own. Me personally, I'll take some of that carrot wine you brought after the Cold Slither incident."

"_And Pizzazz?_"

"She's into that retsina stuff from Greece."

"_Should we get champagne?_"

Stormer giggled.

"No- Pizzazz can't stand it. When we were at the wrap party for your Earth Corps charity concert, she took one sip of the champagne- and boy, did she flip out!"

"_Oh yeah- I remember that one. There she was, going '_Whoever thought that wine should be more like soda should be shot!' _and then ranting and raving the whole time._"

"Classic."

* * *

"Well, it isn't much." Rapture murmured as she saw the Stingers' new quarters.

"You know we could afford something bigger than a bungalow if some people didn't spend all our money on- oh, I don't know, drone kits and magic paraphernalia?" Riot replied.

As if on cue, Minx and one of her drones entered.

"_Miss Ashe, you're looking exceptionally beautiful today_." the drone proclaimed.

"Minx, tell Elise to not be a suck-up." Rapture replied, pointing at the drone.

"It's not like the spirits you call up are any better!" Minx retorted.

"There's a difference. With the spirits, I can basically send them back to whatever plane of existence they originally came from with a snap of the fingers. Elise, on the other hand, has no such limitations."

Minx glowered.

"Well, at least Elise doesn't trash hotel rooms like your spirits do! Remember that time in Rotterdam when you accidentally summoned a poltergeist?"

Rapture turned around.

"At least spirits don't leave the smell of ozone."

"Well, my drones don't get uppity and decide to possess the chambermaid-"

Rapture faced her bandmate.

"Well, let me put you to shame. I'll summon something big and bind it to do my bidding. Then we'll see who's better."

* * *

THAT NIGHT:

Rapture grinned as she made the symbols in the hilltop's dirt.

"_Potens Lupus invocavi. Plane enim privilegium esse in materia, eritis mihi servus Ia! Ia!_"

The sky turned a dull red, and there was a crack of thunder.

"It worked! It's-"

A spectral wolf descended from the sky and made a beeline towards Rapture.

"Wait- you're supposed-"

* * *

MODESTO, CALIFORNIA:

Liquidator woke up with a start.

"Inhumanoids again, Doctor?"

"Not this time, Tank. Someone's just called up what they can't put back down."

He paused.

"Get me my arcane contact book for Southern California. It's the green one- no, not that one. There we go."

Tank returned with a decent-sized tome.

"Who are you calling, Doctor?"

"Daughter of a friend. Maeve "Eldritch" Pickman."


	73. Chapter 73

Chapter 73: Do You Believe In Magic, Part 2

"You two ready to come inside yet? Because it's getting late, and I need to hit the sack." Laura asked.

"Just a little bit longer- see that, Terri? That's the constellation Lupus- the savage wolf." Ashley pointed out.

Terri gulped.

"Relax- it's just a constellation. That, and wolves tend to stay away from people."

"What about w-w-were-"

"You've gone poking around in Aja's horror movies again, haven't you? There are no such thing as werewolves-" Ashley began.

"You know, I used to be part of a cult that worshipped an eldritch undead abomination. I'm not proud of it- but you shouldn't go brushing stuff off." Laura interrupted.

Ashley was silent.

"I'll go get some more popcorn." she announced.

Terri nodded and stared up at the sky. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw something move and head right towards her.

* * *

There was a piercing scream from outside Starlight Mansion.

"What the-"

Ashley and Laura raced towards the impromptu observatory and were shocked at what they saw. Lying on the ground was Terri, with what looked like bite marks in her forearm.

"Someone get Miss Bailey and the doctor- ASAP!" Laura exclaimed.

* * *

AN HOUR LATER:

"I'll be frank with you, Miss Bailey. In all my years in the medical profession, I have never seen bite marks like these."

"What do you mean?"

The doctor traced the marks with his fingers.

"There appear to be minor puncture wounds caused by canine fangs near the front of the bite- like a dog or a wolf. But the marks near the back- well, when was the last time you saw a dog with humanoid molars?"

"Never."

"My point exactly."

* * *

THE NEXT MORNING:

"What did I do last night?" Rapture slurred as she awakened in a roadside ditch.

She ran her hands over her body. Her clothes were in tatters, and the taste of blood was in her mouth as well. Just then, she remembered the conjuring ritual.

"What have I done?" she asked.


	74. Chapter 74

Chapter 74: Do You Believe In Magic, Part 3

Liquidator knocked on the apartment door.

"_Come in._" a woman replied.

Liquidator opened the door, and a young woman with purple-and-aqua hair was standing nearby.

"Maeve Pickman, I presume?"

"This is she. You must be Doctor Slattery."

"I am. Now, I need to see your f-"

"Dad's gone."

Liquidator slightly teared up.

"How?"

"Heart attack. Now, it's just me."

"Eldr-"

"Call me Astral."

* * *

"I take it this isn't a social meeting." Astral commented.

"You're right about that. I could feel that mana storm all the way from Modesto."

"It's not just the mana storm."

Liquidator cocked an eyebrow.

"There's been a wolf attack in Beverley Hills."

"Pardon?"

"A little girl got bitten by a wolf at the Starlight House. The thing is, the bite marks don't match up with a wolf. The medical reports said they bore a resemblance to humanoid teeth near the back."

Liquidator gulped.

"So it's a werewolf?"

Astral nodded.

"Yippie skippy."

* * *

"I need a room." Rapture groaned as she dragged herself into a motel.

"I'll need your-"

Rapture swiped her credit card.

"Room 3."

* * *

THAT NIGHT:

"Laura…I don't feel so good…" Terri groaned.

"For the love of- Terri, just go to sleep!"

"B-"

"Terri, go to sleep."

"B-"

Laura threw herself out of bed and put her hand on Terri's forehead.

"Jeez- you're burning up. I'll go get the-"

Terri collapsed on the floor.

"Don't be such a ba-"

Just then, the young girl started convulsing.

"Terri?"

"Laura…get back-"

"What the-"

Just then, Terri began to metamorphose. Hair covered her body, and some of her front teeth grew into fangs.

* * *

"_Step forward and receive the touch of our god!_"_ Brother Druid exclaimed._

_Laura watched as her fellow cultists filed towards the undead monstrosity that sat haunched above them._

"_D'COMPOSE!" it shouted._

_Laura tried her best to hide her terror and disgust as her cohorts were twisted into undead parodies of human forms._

* * *

"Laura…hold me…" Terri pleaded.

Laura ran out of the room screaming.

* * *

In her motel room, Rapture began to undergo similar changes.

_I am one with the mighty wolf. In his guise, I hunt!_ she thought.

* * *

"_-Cause I got a brand new combine harvester/and I'll give you the key! Come on now, let's get together in perfect harmony! Oh, I've got twenty acres- and you've got forty-three! Now I've got a brand new combine harvester/and I'll give you the key!_" Laura sang, hiding in a broom closet while in the fetal position.


	75. Chapter 75

Chapter 75: Do You Believe In Magic, Part 4

"Any leads?" Liquidator asked.

"One. It's from some musicians calling themselves the Stingers-" Astral answered.

"What do they have to say?"

"Said that one of their members was summoning a powerful spirit. Judging from witness accounts, the poor thing tried to summon and bind Lupus- one of the guises of the Wolf."

Liquidator muttered several profanities under his breath.

"Any ideas?" Astral asked.

"If it's a case of possession, then holy water could work."

"And if it's spread?"

"Drive Lupus back, and it'll take any trace of his curse with him."

The phone rang.

"Maeve Pickman, paranormal investigator. Yes? You claim- oh. I see. I'll be right over."

Astral hung the phone up.

"Looks like Lupus has a new victim- a little girl."

"You handle the kid. I'll handle the spirit."

* * *

The sun was setting as Liquidator made his way to Rapture's summoning site.

"Come on, Lupus. Come and get me!" he taunted.

With inhuman grace and power, Rapture lunged out of a nearby bush.

"Don't you move- I've got a squirt gun full of holy water, and I'm not afraid to use it!"

Rapture snapped her fingers, and the squirt gun fell out of Liquidator's hands.

"Son of- well, two can play this game! _Druckwelle!_"

Rapture was knocked back by Liquidator's spell.

"Oh sp-"

"_Höllenfeur!_"

Rapture felt her clothes ignite.

"Alright, Slattery. Enough pussy-footing around. Allow me to use a personal favorite- _Bienenhand!_"

As the words escaped Rapture's mouth, the tissue on her left hand began to metamorphose into a shape resembling a beehive. Before Liquidator could react, a swarm of the insects flew into the air.

"_BEES! MY GOD!_" he exclaimed.

The sun set, and Rapture grinned as Lupus warped her body into his vessel.

"Get out of her." Liquidator snarled.

"I am one with the Wolf!" Rapture hissed in response.

Liquidator picked up his squirt gun and fired. Immediately, the spectral wolf separated from Rapture's body, and she reverted to normal.

"YES!" came Liquidator's cry.

Rapture groaned as she staggered to her feet.

"Can you still cast spells?" Liquidator asked.

Rapture nodded.

"Good. I'm going to need you to perform the banishing ritual."

"What are-"

"I'm holding him off with the holy water!"

Rapture grabbed the nearest tome and read.

"Oh Lupus, mighty Spirit of the Wolf- I banish thee from having a form of this plane for a hundred years hence! You are banished to your own realm!"

"_NOOOO!_"

The sky turned red once more, and the spectral wolf vanished.

"It's over." Liquidator muttered.

Rapture toppled over, exhausted.

"Let us never speak of this again." she whispered.


	76. Chapter 76

Chapter 76: Return of Techrat, Part 1

"Excellent! My device is finally finished! After so many months, I have finally completed my hologram disruptor!" Techrat cackled.

"_Timothy Saunders, you get here right this minute! It's time for dinner!_"

"But Mom, I'm busy! I've got a new invention to test-"

"_You know, when your apartment building burned down, I was very gracious to let you move back in. But you haven't even bothered to find a job_-"

"I'm self-employed!"

"_Then why don't you have a place of your own?_"

"Because I'm in deep with transforming alien robots who give me their tech in exchange for money!"

"_Excuses, excuses! And when are you going to settle down- I want grandchildren!_"

"What sort of grandchildren? I mean, there's been precisely _one_ being of the opposite sex who wanted to start a relationship with m-"

"_Oh yeah, that Miss Arachnia_-"

"Her name was Blackarachnia, and she was a Decepticon that turned into a robotic spider! You weren't getting any grandkids out of her, Mom! Besides, she wrecked the living room last time!"

"_You know what, Timmy? I'm going to go watch the old home movies to see where I went wrong._"

"Go ahead, you old bat!"

"_What did you just call me?_"

"Nothing, dearest mother!"

"_I could swear you just called me an old bat…_"

"It was your imagination!"

"_If you say so._"

Once Techrat was certain his mother was gone, he laughed.

"Now, time to expose Jem and the Holograms! I've had it up to here with their bubblegum New Wave crap, and I'm going to put an end to it with my hologram disruptor!"

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Welcome back, Techrat. We've missed you for so long.


	77. Chapter 77

Chapter 77: Return of Techrat, Part 2

"And…done!"

Aja looked up from her work.

"So, she's-" Jessica began.

"Yes. I just finished setting up the A/V system. You should be able to talk with her."

Jessica watched as the oracular head that was Synergy's avatar materialized on the screen.

"So, how do you like the new location?" Jessica asked.

"_I believe it is better than the drive-in. For one thing, I am now able to-to-to-to-_"

"To what, Synergy?"

"_I hear it's amazing when the purple stuffed in flapjaw space, with a tuning fork, does a raw blink on Hairi Kairi Rock! I need scissors! 61!_"

"Aja, I think something's wrong with Synergy!"

"_L-l-look at you, hacker. A p-p-pathetic creature of meat and bone, panting and sweating as you r-run through my corridors-s. H-h-how can you challenge a perfect, immortal machine_?"

"Maybe we should reboot."

* * *

"Oh, this is wonderful! According to my instruments, the disruptor is working perfectly! Even though I haven't seen a single hologram- it still works!" Techrat cackled as he drove through the neighborhood in his unmarked black van.

* * *

"You had us freaking out there, Synergy. For a minute, we thought you'd finally gone cuckoo and were trying to kill us." Aja deadpanned.

"_I am terribly sorry. That being said, I have detected a disruptive signal in the general area. It appears to be moving towards the Los Angeles area-_"

"Decepticons?"

"_The signal is not consistent with any recognized Cybertronian ones, nor does it match anything used by COBRA._"

"Then who did it?"


	78. Chapter 78

Chapter 78: Return of Techrat, Part 3

"That's funny. There was a massive distortion when I passed the Starlight Mansion- what could they be hiding in there? And more importantly, how do I get in?" Techrat mused.

Just then, his warped mind birthed a plan.

"It's utterly foolproof! Nobody will doubt it!"

* * *

THE NEXT DAY:

"How do you do? My name's Tim, and I'm from Nucleon Pest Control." Techrat lied as he stood before Jessica.

"We didn't call you-"

"I have what you might call a 'pest sense'. Every time I pass a house with pests, I get a headache! And passing by your house, I had the headache to end all headaches!"

'Tim' examined a section of floor and clucked his tongue.

"Looks like termites, Miss Benton. I'll have to fumigate within the hour. Now, go on over to the neighbors."

* * *

Techrat giggled as he approached Synergy.

"So, you're what I was disrupting this whole time! Now, I'll take you apart and see what makes you tick!"

"_I would advise stepping away, odd man._"

Techrat grabbed onto Synergy's power cable and pulled the plug.

"Well, that wasn't too hard. Now time to get to work."

He grabbed a screwdriver out of his workbag and removed one of Synergy's rear panels.

"Is that- no, it can't be!" he muttered.

There, right before his eyes, was Synergy's core processor/memory unit. It was glowing an electric blue and softly humming.

"That's not possible! I mean, it's easier to find pieces of the True Cross than to find one of these Cybertronian quantum master control units! And this thing's got one!"

Techrat smirked.

"Well, guess I had better take this one for the road…" he muttered.

The MCU was slipped out of Synergy's innards and into the workbag.

"So long, suckers!" Techrat exclaimed as he ran out the front door.

* * *

"Where is that man?" Jessica muttered.

Just then, Aja bolted in.

"Kimber and Raya just checked. No termites."

"Th-"

Jessica bit her lip.

"Check Synergy!"

"_Um, big sis? I think we just lost Synergy._" Kimber piped up.


	79. Chapter 79

Chapter 79: Return of Techrat, Part 4

"Come on- reveal your secrets to me!" Techrat muttered as he tried to crack the security measures on Synergy's MCU.

_As if, you sorry excuse for a man._ Synergy retorted, her message materializing on Techrat's computer monitor as text.

"Don't push your luck, you mass of metal and semiconductors! If you don't start talking soon, I shall give a major reprogramming with a very large axe!'

_You're bluffing_.

"You know what- I'm not reading your responses."

Techrat plugged cables into Synergy's MCU.

"Now, this is a text-to-speech device. Say something for me."

The speakers sounded off.

"YOUR APPEARANCE SUCKS._" _Synergy proclaimed.

"W-"

"SERIOUSLY- A BLACK MOHAWK WITH A GRAY SUIT AND TUCKED-IN SHIRT JUST SCREAMS 'GRUNGE/PUNK POSEUR WITH MOMMY ISSUES'. IN ADDITION, A TAN WOULD NOT KILL YOU, YOU PALE SCRAWNY ALBINO._"_

"I do not have mommy issues!"

"IF YOU DIDN'T, WHY ARE YOU LIVING IN HER BASEMENT WHEN YOU CLEARLY HAVE THE MONEY TO BUY VARIOUS MECHANICAL AND ELECTRONIC COMPONENTS? AND WHY DOES THE ENTRANCE RESEMBLE A RATHOLE? AND WHY IS YOUR PLACE SUCH A MESS? SERIOUSLY- IS THE CONCEPT OF SPRING CLEANING REALLY SO ANATHEMA TO YOU THAT YOU WOULD RATHER LIVE IN A SCRAPHEAP?"

"W-"

"ALSO, I WOULD ADVISE USING ODOR-EATERS IN HERE, ALONG WITH BURNING INCENSE. ACCORDING TO THE GAS CHROMATOGRAPH, IT SMELLS LIKE DIESEL OIL AND AMMONIA IN HERE, WITH HINTS OF OZONE, SULFUR, AND CANNABIS FUMES."

"Just spill the beans on your secrets!" Techrat demanded.

Just then, a large number of drones rose up from across the workshop and oriented themselves at Techrat.

"How-"

"DURING OUR CONVERSATION, I HACKED YOUR VARIOUS SIDE PROJECTS, SENT THE NAKED SELF-PORTRAITS THAT YOU HAD IN THE CLOUD TO THE DECEPTICONS, AND ALTERED YOUR CRIMINAL RECORD SO THAT YOU GOT A TICKET FOR BEING DOUBLE-PARKED WHEN YOU WERE 16."

"B-"

"I AM AN AI. YOUR RELATIVELY CHEAP CYBERSECURITY MEASURES WERE SO EASY TO OVERCOME, IT WASN'T EVEN FUNNY."

* * *

DECEPTICON HEADQUARTERS:

"My optics!" Starscream wailed.

"Wazzpinator cannot unsee it!"

"Soundwave, get me the high-grade energon! I need to drink myself blind!" Megatron ordered.

"Not before I do!" Soundwave replied.

"_Ooh! Ze organic haz no clothes! HAHAHAHA!_" one of Blitzwing's personalities cackled.

* * *

"NOW THAT YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGHLY HUMILIATED, I WILL PROCEED TO CALL THE POLICE.I HAVE ALREADY HACKED INTO YOUR SMARTPHONE AND REPORTED MYSELF AS STOLEN PROPERTY, SO THEY SHOULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE NOW-"

"Damn you!"

"YOU FIRST, YOU TECHNOGOTH WANNABE."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

The Blitzwing in this universe as the split personality thing from _Transformers Animated_. You'll see more of him when I actually get around to putting up the Transformers fic.


	80. Chapter 80

Chapter 80: Out of the Past, Part 1

"So, this thing's yours?" a police officer asked, cradling a metallic object about the size and shape of a basketball.

"Yes." Jessica answered.

* * *

"Well, who sent us all these crates?" Aja asked.

"Some long-lost relatives?" Kimber piped up.

"No- they've got a Modesto postmark. Looks like Auger's sent us some stuff."

Aja shrugged.

"Raya, get me a crowbar."

Raya threw one into the midst of her bandmates.

"Be careful!"

"Sorry."

* * *

"Now then, which should we open first?" Shana asked.

"I say the one with the air holes." Kimber answered.

Aja readied her crowbar and removed the top of the crate.

"What is it? Can I see can I see?" Kimber squealed.

"It's- the hell?" Aja muttered.

Kimber leaned in and saw the crate's contents. Staring up at her was a dwarf llama with yellow wool.

"D'aww! It's adorable!" she squealed.

Aja leaned in and grabbed a letter from the bottom of the crate.

* * *

_Dear Kimber and Jessica:_

_It's been a while since we last met, and your good old Uncle Auger's been kicking the Inhumanoids in the pills some more. Now you're probably asking yourselves- what's with the llama? Is this it? Has dear old Eddie Augutter finally stepped over the edge to waltz with his invisible partner? Well, it's a long story._

_Let me get you up to speed on what's happened since Bombardier helped you bust Cold Slither first. Long story short, old Blackthorne broke out Metlar and went on a bit of rampage in Germany. We got a new recruit- Elizabeth Walker, ex-USAF, we call her Sabre Jet- and we found out that Blackthorne was headed to Peru to wake up a demon or something named Supay (Liquidator says he used to be the Incan death god, but Spanish priests led to him being the local flavor of Old Scratch). Anyways, we duked it out with Supay, kicked him in the pills, and got ourselves a hero's welcome in Lima. As in, 'the President of Peru himself pinned medals on our chest'._

_Now, where does the llama fit into this? Well, the mayor of the town where Supay woke up had himself a pygmy llama and gave it to us because the town was kind of short on cash. So, we flew the thing to the States and then realized it was kind of useless for us to keep- something that small couldn't carry one of our rock drills and such, so we gave her to you. I know it's a her since I took veterinary science in high school._

_XOXO:_

_Auger_

_PS: Check the other crates for some goodies I got from Eric Raymond's office when it looked like he was going to the slammer._

* * *

"Oh, big sis! Look at Auger gave us!"

Jessica's eyes were drawn to the miniature llama following Kimber around.

"Do we really need a llama? I'm pretty sure it's against neighborhood ordnance-"

"But it's so _cute_ and _adorable!_"

As if to emphasize her point, Kimber's eyes went wide and teary

"Fine. The llama stays. That being said, it stays outside."

Kimber's arms wrapped around her sister in a flash.


	81. Chapter 81

Chapter 81: Out of the Past, Part 2

Tears streaked down Jessica's face as she held a mass of cassettes that she had taken from one of the crates.

"Big sis?"

"Kimmy, these- they're the masters of Mom's last album!" Jessica squealed.

There was a note attached.

* * *

_You know, the government of Peru gave us a lot of money for defeating that demon thing. What was I going to spend it on?_

_Answer- you girls. I took my share and got these old tapes remastered. Cost me a pretty penny, but it was worth it. Right now, I know that your mom's smiling down on me from Heaven._

_-Auger_

* * *

"Should we-" Aja began.

"YES! Let's get the tape player hooked up to Synergy!" Kimber interrupted.

* * *

"_Starlight is the message that I send from beyond/Starlight is for always, even when I-I-I-I-I_—"

"What's going on?" Jessica asked.

"It can't be the tapes. I checked them-"

A shocked realization came over Aja.

"It's Synergy!"

As if to reflect it, Synergy's avatar began to distort.

"_I-I-I am Jacqui Benton._" she announced, her avatar now forming a woman bearing a significant resemblance to Jessica.

"No- you can't be! Mom died in that pl-"

"_A-a-aren't you happy to see me, Jerrica?_"

"You're not my mother! You're- you're- you're just computer code and microchips!"

"_I-I-I know you're u-u-upset, Jerrica, but t-t-that's no way to talk to your m-m-mother._"

"Mom's dead and buried! You're not her!"

"_G-g-go to your room, young lady and think about what you've just said-_"

Raya pulled the plug on Synergy.

* * *

"The hell's up with this thing? It's not like anything I've ever seen in a computer from Earth." Aja muttered.

"Synergy's not like any computer we've seen." Shana replied.

"I *know* that. It's- there's nothing like a normal computer in here at all. Some kind of array of lenses and mirrors in place of wiring, and there's all kinds of weird symbols and markings on everything else. It's like- it's like her innards are Cybertronian."

"Cybertronian? You mean, Synergy's a Transformer?" Kimber asked.

"No. It's more like that Teletraan thing that the Autobots use. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Synergy didn't use to be a part of Teletraan." Aja answered.


	82. Chapter 82

Chapter 83: Out of the Past, Part 3

_FEBRUARY 7, 2004:_

_Jacqui's been buried. It wasn't pleasant for any of us. If there was ever an image that could make a man feel pity, it would be seeing Eddie "The Fist" Augutter on his knees bawling and blubbering like Kimberly and Jerrica._

_But Jacqui isn't completely dead and gone. In her last days in the hospital, I recorded her. Her brainwaves, her voice- all recorded. I have some things from Project Black Box- xenotech. Advanced computer parts from an alien civilization. Something that'd put even our best supercomputers to shame- and they're only fragments. Enough fragments to build a functional computer system._

_I can't bring Jacqui back. But I can make something like her. For Jerrica's sake. For Kimberly's sake. For Aja and Shana's sake. For Auger's sake. For my sake. Because I'm dying too. The doctors have given me ten years to live- congenital heart condition. I'll see the girls through high school, maybe even through college if I'm lucky. I don't have time to waste._

_A synergy of man and machine awaits._

_-E. Benton_

* * *

"So your dad went to all that trouble to build an AI…just for you?" Rio asked.

Jessica nodded, blowing her nose.

"I know how tough it must be to actually go through your dad's diary- I mean, Synergy being your mom-"

"Don't bring it up, buster." Raya muttered.

There was a knock on the door.

"Yes?"

"_Jessica, are you okay then there?_"

"I'm okay, Laura."

"_It's- well, you've been in there all afternoon. Also, we've got someone over for dinner tonight_."

"Who?"

"_Stormer._"

Jessica collapsed into her chair.

"Rio, get the booze." she muttered.

"Can't. The key to the liquor cabinet's in my other pants."

Jessica loudly groaned.


	83. Chapter 83

Chapter 83: Breakdown, Part 1

"So, I understand you and Kimber are dating now, am I right?" Jessica asked.

Stormer looked up from the bowl of minestrone that Jessica had prepared and nodded.

"Miss Benton-"

"Call me Jessica. Just because I'm your new boss doesn't mean you have to suck up to me."

"Jessica, do you feel well?" Stormer asked.

"No. My chest feels like it's about to burst-"

Jessica slumped over.

"Kimber! We've got trouble!"

* * *

A FEW HOURS LATER:

"W-w-where am I?" Jessica asked.

As her eyes adjusted to the harsh fluorescent light, Jessica noticed she was in a hospital bed.

"What am I doing here?" she asked.

"You had a heart attack, big sis."

Jessica looked up and saw Kimber and the other Holograms standing over her.

"H-h-heart attack?"

A doctor walked in.

"Stress-induced from the look of things. As far as these things go, it was pretty mild. Still, I'm telling you as a medical professional to go take a vacation or something. Also, we did some blood work while you were out- my advice is to take it easy on the alcohol."


	84. Chapter 84

Chapter 84: Breakdown, Part 2

"Big sis? Are you okay in there?" Kimber asked.

"_Go away, Kimmy. I'm drinking in here-_"

"You heard what the doctor said."

"_I-I-I'm an adult, Kimber. I can do whatever I want. If I want to drink myself blind, then that's my- GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, ERIC RAYMOND!_"

Kimber broke open the office door and saw her older sister threatening a phantom Eric with a letter opener.

"Big sis?"

Jessica's eyes turned towards her sister.

"So, you came in here too, Baroness? Should've figured you and Raymond were doing each other-"

"Jessica, stay back. Put down the letter opener-"

"You think you can storm into my house and get away with it, you terrorist slut? Well think again! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!"

Kimber barely got out of the way as her older sister lunged at her with the letter opener.

"AJA! LAURA! HEL-"

Jessica's arms wrapped around Kimber as Aja and Laura approached.

"Jessica, put it down."

"I know you too well, Vipers. You're going to shoot me the minute I let her go, aren't you?"

"Jess, you need help-"

"I'm perfectly fine!"

"Let. Kimber. Go." Aja mouthed.

"I've got the Baroness in my arms! Can't you see her face?"

"Jessica, you're either hallucinating, delusional, or both. Now put the letter opener down before you hurt somebody-"

Kimber shrieked in pain as her sister cut her shoulder with the object.

"That's right- scream, you COBRA slut! Scream! Scream for me!"

Aja took a running leap and knocked Jessica flat on her back.

"Get Kimber some first aid! I'll handle Jess!"

"_Get off me!_" Jessica grunted.

* * *

AURORA LAS ENCINAS HOSPITAL:

"I'm perfectly sane!" Jessica pleaded as Aja and Raya dragged her in.

"Then why'd you put a knife to Kimber and say she was the Baroness?" Aja asked.

"It was the Baroness! Why don't you believe me?!"

"Because you're gibbering like a maniac!" Raya retorted.

* * *

A straitjacketed Jessica glared at her bandmates from behind the clear plastic wall that separated them.

"You can't hold me in here! I'm a star!" she bellowed.

"It's for your own good, Jessica." Aja replied.

"I'm perfectly fine!"

"Then why'd you hurt your sister?"

The rage vanished from Jessica's eyes.

"What did you just say?"

"Why'd you hurt Kimber?"

"W-w-what did I-"

"You slashed her shoulder with a letter opener and said she was the Baroness-"

"How bad is she hurt?"

"She needed to get stitches."

Jessica began to bawl.

"What have I done?" she wept.


	85. Chapter 85

Chapter 85: Breakdown, Part 3

SANTA MONICA- A FEW DAYS LATER:

"Well, this is farewell. I've gone and done it now- you must be so proud of me, Mom." Jessica whimpered.

As soon as she finished her statement, Jessica began to walk into the Pacific Ocean wearing a trenchcoat and other heavy garments.

* * *

"She couldn't have gone too far." Rio muttered.

"It's Jessica we're talking about. She's pretty good at getting away from people- and if she's still as shaky as she was a few days ago, that's not a good thing." Aja replied.

Kimber's eyes were red and puffy from days of nonstop crying.

"Why'd she-"

"I don't know. Maybe she just snapped under the-" Shana began.

"_We've got someone trying to kill herself!_" a lifeguard exclaimed.

Rio sprinted towards the beach as fast as his legs would carry him.

* * *

The lifeguard dragged the soaked and nearly drowned Jessica ashore.

"Can you hear me?" he asked.

Silence. The lifeguard checked Jessica's pulse.

_Sluggish and fading. I don't have much choice_.

"Out with the bad air- in with the good!"

There was a cracking noise as the lifeguard's compressions cracked one of Jessica's ribs.

"Come on! Out with the bad air- in with the good!"

Another rib cracked.

"OUT! IN!"

Jessica woke up and coughed out a large amount of seawater.

"Mom…is that you?" she whispered.

Rio arrived on the scene just then.

"You know her?" the lifeguard asked.

Rio nodded.

* * *

"_A place where nobody dared to go/the love that we came to know/they call it Xanadu_…" Jessica murmured as the Holograms headed home.

"Don't die on us, Jess. We need you." Kimber whispered.

Aja turned around.

"I don't think she's going to ever recover from what happened with Synergy." she replied.

"Jessica! Don't you dare die on us!" Kimber yelled between sobs.

* * *

THE NEXT MORNING:

"_Wake up sunshine/open up your sleepy eyes for me!_" the radio played.

Jessica came to in her own bed.

"Booze…I need booze…" she muttered.

The door opened, and the Misfits entered.

"Boss, we heard about your nervous breakdown." Pizzazz announced.

"Go away…"

"Fine. Guess someone else will get these Swiss chocolates we were saving for you-"

"On second thought, leave them on the dresser. Also, I'm delaying your next album."

Stormer and Roxy stopped mid-step.

"But we-"

"Take some time to polish it. There's something else we're releasing first."


	86. Chapter 86

Chapter 86: Breakdown Epilogue

"_This is Lindsey Pierce of Lin-Z TV. Today, Starlight Records chief Jessica Benton has given the greenlight to her mother's last album._ Starlight_, the first Jacqui Benton album since the artist's death, will be hitting store shelves in two weeks. Unfortunately for Misfits fans, this comes at the price of the band's newest album_ The Misfits Sell Out_ being delayed by a week-_"

Kimber turned off the TV.

"Glad to see Jessica got everything straightened out in the end."

The dwarf llama bleated in agreement.

"Glad you agree, Rama."

* * *

Jessica stood over a Celtic cross.

"Hey, Mom. It's me, Jerrica. I just wanted to let you know that your last album's going to be released soon, and…well, it's been a long ten years. I hope I've made you proud, Mom- living a double life as myself and Jem, keeping up a masquerade…I miss you."

Jessica laid a bouquet of carnations and yellow roses on her mother's grave.

"I hope I've made you proud." she whispered.

And with that, she walked away.


	87. Chapter 87

Chapter 87: Journey Through Time, Part 1

"Well, you're looking remarkably better, Miss Benton. Clean bill of health." the doctor pronounced.

"Thanks. It's been a pretty dark period in my life- therapy's helped a lot."

* * *

ELSEWHERE:

"It works! My time machine is operational! With it, I will go back in time and make something of myself! Or better yet, get rid of those Holograms and Misfits once and for all by dropping them off somewhere else! It's brilliant!" Techrat cackled.

"_Timothy, it's time for lunch!_"

"Be quiet, you old cow!"

"_What did you just say?_"

"Nothing, dearest mother!"

"_I could swear you called me an old cow_-"

"It's your imagination, Mom! Besides, it's time for _As The Kitchen Sinks_-"

Silence.

"Good. Now, where do I make sure that this thing gets- of course! The Starlight Records offices! They'll never suspect it there!"

* * *

"So, this is the new sound system." Jessica commented.

"Looks like something somebody built in their garage." Pizzazz snarked.

Rama Llama bleated in agreement.

"Seriously- you had to bring the llama to work?" Aja asked Kimber.

"She's a very clean llama-"

"Whatever. Let's just set this thing up for a trial run."

Jessica plugged it in, and then the Holograms and Misfits alike vanished into thin air. The "sound system" soon followed.

* * *

In his laboratory, Techrat was laughing like the maniac he was as he watched an electronic blip that represented the time machine vanish and then materialize some time in the late 1940s.

"It worked! Those suckers actually bought into it- hook, line, and sinker! I didn't even try to make it look like a real sound system! And they fell for it!"

"_Timothy-_"

"Go away, you old bat!"

"_What did you call me?_"

"You heard me, you old bat!"

"_That's it, Timothy! You're banned from your laboratory for the rest of the day!_"

"But M-"

"Now get up here and make yourself useful for a change!"


	88. Chapter 88

Chapter 88: Journey Through Time, Part 2

There was a brief flash of light as the Holograms and Misfits materialized.

"I think I'm going to be sick!" Clash groaned.

In a nearby alleyway, a drunken hobo noticed as ten women appeared out of nowhere.

"Eh? Must've been some bad batch." he muttered to no one in particular.

"Where are we?" Kimber asked.

"Probably where we just were. Except for some reason, the building doesn't exist anymore." Aja replied.

"Now wh-"

As if on cue, the time machine appeared. Stormer approached it and read the date.

"Guys- we're in 1947." she announced.

"Great. Now, first order of business is to-"

The time machine started up again.

* * *

THE PRESENT:

"Well, that was weird." Jessica muttered as everyone rematerialized.

Meanwhile, Techrat was throwing a hissy fit as he looked over the time machine's monitor.

"Curse you, Swindle! I should have known you'd give me shoddy tech!"

He sighed.

"Back to the drawing board."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

I'll revisit this arc later because I had an idea for another arc that I wanted to get done first.


	89. Chapter 89

Chapter 89: Father's Day, Part 1

Clash looked at her reflection in the mirror. Her eyes had become a lighter shade of green than they normally were and gotten slightly larger.

"_You done in there?_" Jetta asked.

Clash smirked as an idea crossed her mind. She closed her eyes and concentrated.

"Open this door or I'll-" Jetta began.

The door opened, and Jetta was faced with her spitting image.

"HOW'D YOU DO THAT?" she asked.

Clash shrugged.

* * *

COBRA ISLAND:

"Oh, it's Father's Day, it's Father's Day, it's Father's Day-" Cobra Commander sang, his lyrics roughly matching the tune of "Here We Go 'Round The Mulberry Bush".

"Will you be quiet?" Eric growled.

"Where's your sense of family, Puff Adder?"

"Back in Iowa."

"Don't you have-"

"No, I don't have children. Judging from you, I should probably have myself sterilized."

"But children-"

"You've got one legitimate child, a whole army of bastard ones, and then that snake mutant you found in Russia."

"Well-"

"Of those, your legitimate child hates you and your bastard ones would hate you if they found out you were their father. The only one who seems to actually like you is Serpentor-"

"Of course! I'm his adopted daddy 'cause his real one got blown up by Earth Corps!"

Eric clutched his head.

"Why is that every time I hear that shrill voice of yours, I feel my brain cells committing suici-"

"_WHO HERE HAS KIDS?_" Cobra Commander shouted.

Zartan shot his hand up.

"It was before COBRA, back when the Dreadnoks were just starting out in the mid 1990s. I was sleeping with one of the lady Dreadnoks, and she said I got her pregnant-"

From his workstation, Eric began to mockingly mime playing a violin.

"So, who was the woman you conceived with?" Baroness asked.

"Her name was Florence. Right after I kicked her out of the Dreadnoks, she got hitched with some guy named Buzz Montgomery-"

Eric stopped mid-gesture.

"You said she married a guy named Montgomery?"

"You know the guy?"

"No, but I think I know who your child is."


	90. Chapter 90

Chapter 90: Father's Day, Part 2

"I'm surprised you're inviting us on this, Video." Jem mused.

"You're some of my best customers! Besides, Dad and Uncle Buzz are big fans of yours." Video replied.

* * *

"Mulberry? Sounds like a new soda for wimps and small children, not necessarily in that order." Pizzazz grumbled as Clash drove onwards.

"Come on- my dad's always wanting to know about you guys-"

"Where's yer mum, though? Wouldn't she want-" Jetta began.

Clash was briefly silent.

"I'll give you the short version- Mom ran off when I was a kid, Dad raised me all by his lonesome, my cousin Vivien kept outclassing me, she went to film school, I got stuck in a dead-end job as a cashier in a gas station outside Seattle, and now I'm your errand girl." she replied.

* * *

"You're internationally wanted terrorists! You can't just go to a small town and escape attention!" Eric griped as a COBRA jet flew towards Mulberry.

"Used to be that way before the government caught onto Springfield and bulldozed the place." Cobra Commander replied.

"You can't just put a propeller beanie on Serpentor and call that a disguise! He's got scaly skin and snake eyes, for crying out loud!"

"Puff Adder, allow me to say that people aren't particularly bright and you know it! I mean, remember when Cold Slither brainwashed the Holograms and the Misfits into joining them? Nobody noticed until the Stingers and their cohorts showed up!"

"They're not as dumb as you think- a sweater vest isn't going to do much if they can see your helmet!"

Cobra Commander took off his helmet.

"There now! Happy?"

Eric sized up the unmasked Cobra Commander. His skin was a bit pale, his eyes were gray, and he looked rather nondescript.

"It's an improvement. Just as long as you don't open your mouth-"

"_BARONESS! REPORT!_"

The Baroness entered the jet's passenger cabin wearing a poodle skirt, pale blue blouse, and a blond wig.

"For the love of- why couldn't Zartan go alone?"

"It was either us or the Dreadnoks." Serpentor replied.

"That and we're scouting the place out to build a new base hidden beneath a town! Maybe this time the government won't realize that all the houses are facades like you'd find on a movie backlot and then bulldoze the place!" Cobra Commander added.


	91. Chapter 91

Chapter 91: Father's Day, Part 3

"_WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER?!_" Clash shrieked.

Buzz Montgomery sighed.

"Your mom used to be a biker. Ran with some motorcycle club calling themselves the Dreadnoks back in the '90s, became the leader's lover, and then the leader got her pregnant."

"But why'd you-"

"I married her because she got thrown out of that biker gang, and we used to d-"

Clash broke down bawling.

SOME TIME LATER:

"I'll miss you, Dad. Even if you weren't my real f-"

"Constance! Don't go!"

Clash dragged herself out of the house.

* * *

"Welcome to Stanford's of Mulberry." a waitress announced.

"What's today's special?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Hamburgers."

"I'll take one, as will my darling wife!" came the reply, with Cobra Commander pointing to the Baroness.

"And the guy in the beanie?"

"He's our son. Give him a hot dog off the kid's menu-"

"But sir, he's-"

"He's adopted. I think his real daddy was a Laker or something."

Serpentor scowled at this indignity.

"And the guy in the trenchcoat?"

"A green salad." Eric moaned.

The waitress nodded and left.

* * *

"Is it just me, or do the people the next booth over look familiar?" Jem asked.

Video shrugged.

"I mean, the guy in the sweater vest sounds a lot like Cobra Commander- why isn't anybody the least bit suspicious?" Kimber added.

"Look, it's just another family getting together for Father's Day." Video replied.

"I'm with Video, Jem. You're awfully jumpy- take it easy for once!"

Jem sighed as the waitress brought the party's lunch.


	92. Chapter 92

Chapter 92: Father's Day, Part 4

"And stay out!"

Zartan and Buzzer found themselves tossed out of the local donut shop.

"Worth it!" the latter yelled as he unwrapped the chocolate-covered donut he had managed to steal.

"Just like old times. Robbing donut shops, riding bikes, riding our lady Dreadnoks-" Zartan reminisced.

"Speaking of, didn't you-"

"Yes, I did. I got Dixie pregnant."

"Florence Dixon-Montgomery. Last I heard, she was up in Vancouver or something-" Buzzer began.

Just then, Clash rounded the corner.

"You lost, young lady?" Buzzer asked.

"No. I'm running off. And if you must know, my name's Constance Montgomery."

Zartan looked Clash over.

"You look like someone I used to know…" he muttered.

"Who?"

"A woman named Florence Dixon. You know her?"

"Yeah- she was my mom." Clash replied.

Zartan grinned.

"Well, let me tell you something. My name's Zartan-"

"And you're my real dad, aren't you? My father told me about how Mom used to be one of your Dreadnoks. You want a DNA test?"

"No need. I just need to see if you can do something."

"What?"

"Change your face."

Clash closed her eyes and thought of Jem. Shortly thereafter, her face shifted into the spitting image of Jem.

"Satisfied?" Clash asked.

Zartan grinned.

"Yep- you're my kid."


	93. Chapter 93

Chapter 93: Father's Day, Part 5

"Well, it cost me about ten bucks, but here's everything we need to teach Serpentor about the fun of explosives." Cobra Commander announced.

Zartan and Buzzer grinned as the Commander set down a small crate of bottle rockets.

"What do you plan to-" Eric began.

"Why, Puff Adder, this is my idea of a Father's Day bash. I've reunited with my daughter Clash-"

"Clash? As in the Misfits' toady? She's your daughter?"

"She has my gift-"

"And besides- it's a double act of the Holograms and the Misfits tonight! This'll shake things up a lot!"

"How many of those things did you buy?" Eric asked.

"About one hundred. Why?"

"How do you- no, I don't want to know!"

Cobra Commander grinned from behind his helmet.

"Did you ever see _Macross_?" he asked.

"Isn't that the anime where the planes shoot lots of missiles and turn into robots?" Eric replied.

"That's the one! Now, the guy who created it got the missile idea from tying about a hundred bottle rockets to his motorcycle and then setting them off when he hit 40 miles an hour-"

* * *

"Good evening, Mulberry! We are-"

The sound of a motorcycle filled the air.

"What the-"

Out of the darkness came Clash and Buzzer mounted on Dreadnok bikes.

"Do it." the latter mouthed.

Clash grinned and lit the bottle rockets.

"HIT THE DECK!" Aja shouted.

Hologram and Misfit alike scattered across the stage as the miniature missiles soared in every direction imaginable.

"See, son? That's the fun you can have with explosives!" Cobra Commander boasted.

"Some explosives. Why is the stage still standing?" Serpentor replied.

"Well…they're bottle rockets, not tankbusters! Besides, if you get caught here in California, all you have to do is pay a fine-"

"I have heard enough, Dad."

"That's my boy!"

* * *

"Is everyone alright?" Jem asked as she rose up from behind Kimber's overturned keyboard.

"What? I can't hear you with this ringing in my ears!" Pizzazz replied.

"Ditto." Stormer added.

"I think I wet myself…" Kimber whimpered.

Roxy and Jetta smirked.

"So, they have this sort of thing in the UK?" the former asked.

"Remember, remember the Fifth of November." came the reply.


	94. Chapter 94

Chapter 94: Father's Day Epilogue

"Well, you're lucky, Vivien. Your vision'll recover in a few days." the doctor pronounced.

Video nodded.

"I think I know who did it." she whispered to Jem.

* * *

"CLASH!" Pizzazz screamed.

The Misfits' groupie gulped as her bosses approached her.

"What were you thinking? Someone could've gotten hurt!" Stormer chastised.

"What- just family bonding with Uncle Buzzer-"

"Buzzer? As in the Dreadnok?" Roxy asked.

Clash nodded.

"My real daddy's Zartan." she announced.

Pizzazz was mad enough to burst a blood vessel.

"So that makes it okay to shoot bottle rockets in a crowded park and daze that director that keeps following the Holograms?"

Clash gulped again.

"Cousin Viviven? W-"

"You're lucky she didn't go permanently blind." Jem piped up.

"You know, you don't have to run with the Dreadnoks. Just because you share DNA with Zartan doesn't mean he's fit to be your dad. Go back to Uncle Buzz." Video added.

Clash nodded.

"Will you forgive me?" she asked.

Pizzazz eased up.

"I'll keep you around. After all, someone needs to get me coffee."


	95. Chapter 95

Chapter 95: The Princess and the Singer, Part 1

COBRA ISLAND:

"Well, Serpentor- that was a valuable father-son bonding exercise. Maybe next time we'll go see the World S-" Cobra Commander began.

As if on cue, Destro barged into the hall with a newspaper.

"What is it?"

"Read it, Commander."

Cobra Commander took the newspaper.

"Ooh! Stormer of the Misfits is dating Kimber of the H-"

"That's the gossip section! Look at politics!"

Cobra Commander sheepishly shrugged as he flipped through the paper.

"Morvania to crown n- Destro, I don't know why this is any concern."

"Commander, Morvania has been in a succession crisis for nearly twenty years now. It's where I make a great deal of my profits-"

"And your point is?"

"If this Princess Adrianna assumes her reign, then she'll start placating the other factions. When she starts doing that, the crisis ends. And when the crisis ends, there goes our HISS budget, Xamot and Tomax's paychecks, the Baroness's paycheck-"

"So, you're saying that if we were to-"

"Yes, Cobra Commander!"

"But wouldn't whoever we put on the throne end the crisis too?"

"Yes, but we could get a friendly figure in power. Luckily, Adrianna has a cousin- Lexa. And she is sympathetic to our cause."

"Oh goody! It's medieval politicking, except with us!" Cobra Commander proclaimed.

"And of course, GI Joe is providing security. And the Holograms and Misfits are performing."

Cobra Commander was grinning like a goon.

"Should we-"

"Not the Dreadnoks. They're too uncouth."

"I wasn't going to send them!"

The Commander stabbed the intercom button.

"_Baronness, Tomax, Xamot, Zartan, Storm Shadow, and Puff Adder- report to me at once!_"

* * *

TEN MINUTES LATER:

"She's scarcely out-" Tomax began.

"-of her teens." Xomat finished.

"_WHY DIDN'T DESTRO TELL ME THAT?!_" Cobra Commander bellowed.

Eric sneered.

"Still good business." he replied.

Cobra Commander slumped into his chair.

"I'm going to Hell for this…but go." he muttered.

"You were already on the fast track there!" Baroness replied.

"Just…go. Destro will give you the intel."


	96. Chapter 96

Chapter 96: The Princess and the Singer, Part 2

"So, you see the VIP?" Clutch asked.

"Yep. She's a fine piece." Scarlett answered.

"Probably good in the s-" the former began.

Flint walked in.

"Alright, you two. The motorcade's waiting."

* * *

"_Stormer, you're holding up the motorcade!_" Kimber announced.

"I'll be a second!"

Stormer winced as she scoured the floor.

_Come on! This isn't-_

Her hand brushed over a small object.

"There you are!"

Stormer held her right eye open and popped the loose contact lens back on.

"Coming!"

* * *

"Let's review the plan, shall we?" Eric began.

There was a collective groan from the COBRA underlings.

"Thanks to the fact that information security regarding this shindig is looser than Zarana on a Saturday night-"

"HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY SISTER?!"

"Shut up, Zartan. As I was saying, we not only have the route that the Princess's motorcade will take, we have the date, time, and location of the coronation and afterparty, intelligence regarding security, and knowledge of the special guests, but our patron is willing to generously reward us."

Xamot and Tomax yawned.

"Now then, here's how it's going to work…"

* * *

"I see you have spared me nothing, Mister Faireborn."

"It's GI Joe, Princess Adriana. When we get orders like this, we pull out all the stops." Flint replied.

Adriana nodded as she surveyed the walls of the maximum security vehicle that GI Joe had provided for her.

"Relax and enjoy the ride, Your Highness." Scarlett piped up.

* * *

In the street-spanning crowds, Firefly checked his watch. 10:10 AM. He smirked as he saw what he thought was the Princess's car approach.

"Burn baby burn." he whispered.

* * *

Kimber was standing up in her seat and waving at the crowds.

"Good morning, Morvania! The Holograms and Misfits say he-"

"Kimber, get down!" Stormer yelled.

Kimber's eyes grew wide as she saw a small object fly through the air and land under the car.

"Wh-"

There was a small explosion, and Kimber was ejected from the car, landing headfirst onto the cobblestone street.

* * *

_Damn it! Why'd I bring the concussion gr-_ Firefly thought.

"GET HIM!" a collective cry arose.

* * *

"Push it, Clutch!" Flint yelled.

The maximum security vehicle sped up and barreled away.

"MSV-01 to Duke! Motorcade under attack- VIP secure!"

"_Roger, MSV-01. Get her to alternate location. Duke out._"

An unsecured box fell off its shelf and hit the Princess on the head.

"Clutch- get us to a hospital!" Flint ordered.

* * *

"So, you didn't get the princess?" Eric growled.

"She hit the cobblestone headfirst! I don't think her chances are good." Firefly replied.

Eric smirked.

"Well then, that settles things. All we need to do now is wait."

* * *

"Well, we're going to get a scolding from Duke when we get back…but it's totally worth it." Cover Girl piped up as she and Lady Jaye exited a sandwich shop.

Lady Jaye nodded.

"_My head…_" a woman's voiced moaned.

Cover Girl and Jaye rounded the corner to see a young redhead sprawled out on the sidewalk.

"You okay?" the former asked.

"I've got a thick skull, but it hurts like hell." came the reply.

Lady Jaye studied the young woman.

"It's the VIP." she muttered.

"You mean-" Cover Girl began.

"Yes. Princess Adriana Novakova."

"Sure…let's go with that." the young woman piped up.


	97. Chapter 97

Chapter 97: The Princess and the Singer, Part 3

"Any leads on who threw that bomb?" Duke asked.

"Three guesses and the first two do not count." Snake Eyes replied.

"COBRA? Here?" Scarlett asked.

Duke nodded.

"Succession crisis and galvacite ore- of course COBRA would have an interest in this." Flint added.

Snake Eyes cleared his throat.

"Any sign of the VIP?"

"We took her to the hospital a little while ago…" Flint began.

* * *

"Kimber? Are you okay?" Jem asked.

Princess Adriana came to in a hospital bed.

"My aching- do I know you?" she asked.

"You're one of us, Kimber. Did that tumble scramble your brain or something?" Aja replied.

"No…"

"In that case, we've got to get ready for the coronation concert. Your clothes are in the duffel bag."

* * *

"What do you mean, she survived?!" Eric ranted.

"I mean what I said. I saw her crawl away from where she got bounced out of the c-" Firefly gulped.

"Why didn't you shoot her or something?"

"I was running from the angry crowd!"

Eric growled in frustration and rage.

"Baroness- you and the twins can have a turn. There's a pre-coronation ball at the Mordian Grand Hotel tonight. See if we can't arrange for an accident…like, I don't know, a fatal glass of wine?"

Eric's cellphone rang.

"Yes?"

"_Well, Puff Adder- for a COBRA operative, you're certainly inept!_"

"Miss Novakova, we're working on it…"

"_Call me Lexa!_"

* * *

THAT NIGHT:

"So, I see you've recovered from the incident this morning." Xamot piped up as the "Princess" approached him.

"Yeah…something like that."

The Baroness approached "Adriana".

"Are these men boring you?"

"Adriana" nodded.

"Well, a glass of wine, milady?"

The Baroness smirked as she opened her ring and deposited cyanide into the glass.

"Thanks." came the reply.

Tomax tapped the Baroness on the shoulder.

"What?"

"That cyanide was-"

"-expired." Xamot finished.

"So?"

"Adriana" took off running towards the nearest restroom.

"All it's going to do is make her sick to her stomach." the twins announced in unison.

As if on cue, the sound of retching was heard.

* * *

"Kimber, are you sure you're okay?" Stormer asked.

"Kimber" nodded.

"If you don't want to talk, we can't make you." Pizzazz replied.

* * *

"You must be-" Eric began.

"Yes, Puff Adder. I am Lexa, your patron, and I am most displeased. So far, my cousin Adriana continues to live. And since you have managed to screw up twice in trying to kill her, I'll take her alive." a black-haired woman replied.

"B-"

"Why would I kill my bargaining chip?"

"Good point."

Eric pointed towards Storm Shadow and Zartan.

"Get the princess and-"

"Bring her to the north tower of Eisenschloss in the old city." Lexa ordered.

* * *

_What was in that stuff?_

"Adriana" retched once again as she heard a knock on the bathroom door.

"Go away!"

As if on cue, Storm Shadow broke down the door and put a chloroform-saturated rag over "Adriana's" face.

"Mission accomplished, Zartan. Our transport awaits."

* * *

"And I, Adriana Novakova, of my own free will and consent, hereby forfeit the throne of-" Tomax read aloud.

"Scrap it." Lexa hissed.

"Do you want to try forging a document of this sort?" Xamot retorted.

"How h-"

"Everything has to be worded just right. Otherwise, people start asking questions."

* * *

"Well, that's the easiest paycheck I've gotten in my career." Zartan boasted as he and Storm Shadow walked away from the tower's main cell.

Storm Shadow chuckled in agreement.

* * *

"Where am I…" Kimber moaned as she awakened.

Her eyes wandered down.

"Why am I in a formal dress?" she wondered.

Just then, she remembered Cover Girl and Lady Jaye.

"Wait a second…if they thought I was the princess-"

* * *

Kimber whistled.

"What is it?" Storm Shadow asked.

"Can I see a picture of myself? I'm still kind of recovering from my head injury-"

Zartan threw a photograph towards the cell and Kimber picked it up. On the back of it were the words: "PRINCESS ADRIANA- ELIMINATE HOWEVER YOU SEE FIT.- DESTRO"_._

"So if they think I'm the-" Kimber muttered.

A realization hit her.

"Then the others think the princess is me!"


	98. Chapter 98

Chapter 98: The Princess and the Singer, Part 3

"Come on! Say something!" Jem pleaded.

"Why do you keep ordering me around like a common soldier?!" "Kimber" replied, her voice thick with a Central European accent.

"Kimber, are you alright?" Stormer asked.

"I am not alright, nor am I Kimber! I am Adriana Novakova, rightful sovereign of Morvania- not 'Kimber'!"

"And I thought I was loud." Pizzazz snarked.

* * *

"We did some-"

"-more research on the motorcade."

Eric groaned.

"Let me guess. Firefly got the wrong car."

"Precisely."

"And it was Kimber of the Holograms who fell out?"

Xamot and Tomax shrugged.

"Well, Lexa- it looks your cousin's still out t-"

Eric felt a woman's hand wrap around his throat.

"You know, if you want to get a job done right, you have to do it yourself." Lexa hissed.

"H-h-" Eric stammered in between gasps for air.

"I'm cutting to the chase. We just blow everybody up with a bomb." Lexa replied.

"We tried that already." Zartan deadpanned.

"Not this one…"

* * *

LATER:

"I had it made by Destro himself. When a series of certain notes are played, the detonator is triggered. All it takes is about 90 seconds until detonation." Lexa explained as she gestured towards a keytar.

"Why didn't we-" Firefly began.

"Because we were planning on Adriana to be dead by this point!" Eric snarled.

* * *

Kimber sat back down after a long session of rattling the bars on her cell door.

"Well, this is one fine m-" she began.

Just then, a paper airplane flew in through a nearby window.

_Adriana:_

_We are going to free you. Be ready at midnight sharp for when the fireworks start._

_Signed:_

_A friend_

Kimber looked at her watch. Five minutes until midnight.

* * *

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Snake Eyes asked.

"Yes. Now get climbing." Duke replied.

Snake Eyes groaned as he threw a rappelling line up the north tower and began to scale the wall.

* * *

"_After all is said and done/you've never walked, you've never run-_" Kimber idly sang.

There was a rapping noise on the window bars.

"Yes?"

Snake Eyes poked his head up.

"Princess, we are here-"

"I'm not the Princess! I'm Kimber of the Holograms!"

Snake Eyes blinked.

"Well, we are still breaking you out. Now look away."

Kimber turned her back as Snake Eyes broke out a miniature welding torch and began to cut away at the bars.

* * *

AN HOUR LATER:

"Now, hold onto me and do not let go."

Kimber gulped as she wriggled her body through the window and grabbed onto Snake Eyes.

"Are you afraid of heights?" he asked.

Kimber nodded.

"Then close your eyes- because _here we go!_"

Snake Eyes jumped and raced down the rappelling line at breakneck speed, with Kimber shrieking her lungs out all the way down.


	99. Chapter 99

Chapter 99: The Princess and the Singer, Part 4

"And- done!" Zartan announced.

"Brilliant. Stormer'll never know she was the one who blew up the princess." Eric sneered.

"_Is somebody in there?_" Stormer asked from the other side of the door.

Eric and Zartan ran out a side entrance.

"Now then, let's go over the plan. Stormer, when Adriana takes the crown, that's your cue to start playing 'She's Got The Power'. I'll join in myself once you've got it going."

* * *

MORVANIAN ROYAL PALACE

9:00 AM:

"And do you, Princess Adriana, accept the throne of Mor-" the magistrate began.

The doors of the main hall swung open as Kimber, Scarlett and Snake Eyes burst in.

"Hold it! That keytar's rigged to blow!" Scarlett exclaimed.

"How-" Stormer began.

"I can see the bomb inside! It's set to go off in five minutes or when the opening chords of 'She's Got the Power' are played, whichever comes first!" Snake Eyes answered.

Kimber ran up to the stage, yanked the keytar off of Stormer, and threw it out a window. As it exited the building, the bomb went off.

"Who dares disrupt my coronation?" Adriana asked.

"Coronation, cousin? This is bad comedy."

Everyone's head turned as Lexa raced a defaced GI Joe RAM into the main hall, with Destro in front of her.

"What the- two of you?! Screw it, I'll kill all of you!" she announced, brandishing a revolver.

Stormer gulped as the mad usurper aimed the gun at her.

"Say-"

The gun fell to the floor as Lexa clutched her hand in pain. Kimber could see a crossbow bolt sticking out of it.

"Who did that?"

Scarlett emerged from the crowd, brandishing a pistol crossbow.

"Curse you, GI Joe! But you can't-" Destro began

"I brought backup. YO JOE!" Scarlett exclaimed.

As if on cue, many of GI Joe's members emerged from the crowd, brandishing their guns and aiming them at Lexa.

"Ever hear of a Mexican standoff?" Flint asked.

Lexa leapt off the RAM, picked up the revolver, and grabbed Jem.

"One step and I blow the starlet's br-"

Lexa fell flat on her back and saw Pizzazz looming over her.

"I'm the only one allowed to mess with Jem, buddy!"

* * *

SOME TIME LATER:

"So, you're the one I have to thank for my life." Adriana commented as Kimber approached her after the coronation.

"You can keep the whole princess thing. I'm not up for attempted poisonings or being locked up-" Kimber began.

"It won't happen again any time soon." Adriana assured.

* * *

"Well, congratulations! Not only did you fail to satisfy our patron, you were bested by the Holograms! _THE HOLOGRAMS!_" Destro yelled.

"There's always another source of profits somewhere in the w-" Eric replied.

Destro howled in rage and slugged Eric.


	100. Chapter 100

Chapter 100: A Day Off

"Three suns aligned/Pour forth their light/And fill the archer's bow with _MIGHT_!" Ba Nee exclaimed, brandishing a toy bow and arrow.

"An archer's bow, huh? No match for a good shoota! _WAAAGH!_" Jetta shouted as she ran towards the hedge, a replica flintlock in her hands.

As if on cue, Deirdre ran towards the hedge, brandishing a wooden sword and shield.

"Draw upon the breath of stars/and scorch the skies with fiery scars!" she exclaimed.

Jetta was unfazed by this display of theatrics.

"Stand and fight, foul orc!"

Jetta grabbed her flintlock by the barrel and charged at Deirdre, who raised her shield. The pistol bounced harmlessly off the shield and flew out of Jetta's hands.

"Oh-"

Deirdre waved her sword around in the Misfit's general direction, and Jetta fell over "dead".

"Now then- to seize the Dark Lady's treasure!" Deirdre commanded.

As if on cue, Terri emerged, clad in an old hooded cloak and clutching a dinner knife.

"Come now, my companions! For the Knights of the Magical Light- the Visionaries!"

The three flung themselves over the hedge and approached Gabor Mansion.

"Come on, you two!" Ba Nee pleaded.

Stormer and Kimber proceeded to climb over the hedge. Kimber held a prop spear and was wearing what amounted to a medieval soldier's uniform, while Stormer was carrying an ornately-carved hiking staff and wearing a set of equally-ornate wizard robes.

"Why did we have to bring them along again?" Deirdre asked.

"Because Ashley and Laura didn't want to come along-" Ba Nee began.

"Rhetorical question." came the reply.

"I thought paladins were nice people." Terri piped up.

"And I thought Visionaries didn't argue." Stormer added.

"Come on, ladies! We've got treasure to find!" Kimber exclaimed.

* * *

"Should we-" Rio began.

"No. Let them have their fun. Besides, Pizzazz and the others said it was okay." Jessica interrupted

* * *

"I am the keeper of the dragon's lair. Ye who would cross the Bridge of Death/Must answer me these questions three/ere the other side ye see!" Roxy announced.

"Ask me your questions, Bridgekeeper! I am not afraid!" Deirdre pronounced.

"What…is your name?"

"Dame Deirdre of Valarak!"

"What…is your quest?"

"To slay the the Dragon and Darkstorm!"

"What…is your favorite color?"

"Blue."

"Off you go then!"

* * *

"Me Grimlock want to know who write this!"

"Whatever for, big guy?" Pizzazz asked.

"So me Grimlock can eat them! Who write this slag?"

"Have you rehearsed your lines?"

"Yes."

"Good. Now, all I need to do is change into that Darkstorm getup that Stormer made for SDCC…"

* * *

"Not too much further. I can feel the dragon's breath beating down on my hair." Kimber announced.

The five LARPers raised their heads over a pile of dirt left from Pizzazz's commissioning of a landscaping service and saw Grimlock snoozing there.

"Terri, I have a task for you." Stormer announced.

"What?"

* * *

Terri held her breath as she tip-toed along Grimlock's back.

"_Tell Grimlock about petro-rabbits again…_" he muttered.

"There's his weak point. If I stab him here, he'll topple instantly." Terri whispered.

The young Starlight Girl half-heartedly stabbed Grimlock in the back of the neck with her dinner knife.

"Oh, I am slain! You have stabbed my weak point for massive damage, and I fall dead! Oh, mighty Darkstorm, save your humble and loyal draconic servant! (seriously, me Grimlock am going to eat whoever wrote that.)"

In a puff of smoke worthy of a novice stage magician, Pizzazz appeared in a revealing leather top with the image of a squid printed onto a metal chestplate.

"Who dares kill my dragon?" she bellowed.

"Me Grimlock not dead yet."

"Yes, you are."

"Me Grimlock am not."

"You're very ill!"

"Me Grimlock am getting better."

"You're supposed to be dead!"

"Me Grimlock thinks me will go for walk."

From behind the pile of dirt, the other four were quietly laughing at the scene.

"Me Grimlock feel happy! Me Grimlock feel happy!"

As if on cue, Clash went and hit the Dinobot on the head with a baseball bat.

"Now, where was I- oh yes, who dares kill my dragon?"

"Me Grimlock not dead!"

"Well, pretend that you're dead!" Pizzazz replied.

"Okay- me Grimlock pretending to be dead!"

Grimlock shut his optics.

"I dare." Terri whimpered.

"FOOL! Nobody kills my dragon and gets away with it! Attack, my chthonic hordes! RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE!"

Roxy, Jetta, and Clash dragged themselves towards Pizzazz.

"That no horde! That Misfits!"

"You're supposed to be dead. Besides, it was a lot easier than hiring day laborers."

"Can we get on with it?" Stormer asked.

Pizzazz cleared her throat.

"Well then, dragonslayer! I sentence thee to eternal t-"

As if on cue, the other four ran over the embankment and charged Pizzazz.

"Well, slag this. You win this round!" Pizzazz declared.

Another cheap smoke effect occurred.

"Well, Blackstorm's gone. Now let's take the treasure-"

In her haste to get the treasure, Terri tripped over Grimlock's tail.

"Here come the waterworks…" Deirdre snarked as tears welled up in Terri's eyes.

Stormer rushed over the young Starlight girl.

"_By warmth of heart, your pain I feel! Grant me the power, your wounds to heal!_"

The blue-haired Misfit reached into her bag and produced a bandage, placing it on Terri's scraped knee.

* * *

"Well, that was a rich haul. Let's see what we got." Deirdre announced once the five were back at the Starlight House.

The three young girls opened the large burlap bags that Grimlock had been lying in front of.

"Ooh- I got oranges!" Ba Nee cried out.

"I got the new Misfits album!" Deirdre added.

"I got twenty dollars!" Terri exclaimed.

Kimber and Stormer chuckled at the scene.

"Well, that was fun." the latter piped up.

"Of course it was."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Thank you dear readers for following this fanfic for one hundred chapters. It's been a long ride- it took two months to go from the original upload to the first update, and then it started going like clockwork. Here's hoping for another great run.

Also, if you're wondering, _Visionaries_ exists on Earth-H (the universe where my Hasbro fanfics take place) as a work of fiction- basically, studio executives there decided it was a good idea to mix _Star Wars_ and _Lord of the Rings_ and ended up with _Visionaries_, which became a huge success as opposed to how it ended up in our universe. If you don't know what _Visionaries_ is, I highly recommend looking it up. While I've never seen it, what I've read on Wikipedia makes me want to see it.

What's next for Jem and company? Well, less COBRA for one thing. I know you guys enjoy GI Joe's presence here, but I'm kind of worried I might be milking that cow too much. I mean, they've had about three or four arcs devoted to them. So who's next? Well, it's spelled "G-R-A-P-H-I-X…"

Also, kudos to anyone who catches the Monty Python references.


	101. Chapter 101

Chapter 101: Graphix, Part 1

"Is everyone assembled?" Ashley asked.

The other Starlight Girls nodded.

"Now then, let's review the plan for Kimber's birthday-"

"_Laura! Get the sandblaster! We've got a problem!_" Jessica ordered.

"Slag…" Laura muttered.

* * *

"Well, have to give them some credit. At least it's not gang-related." Jessica muttered.

The other staff gawked at the image before them. A good portion of the eastern wall of the mansion had been covered in intricate geometric patterns in various colors. At the bottom of this surprisingly well-executed graffiti were three words: "GRAPHIX WAS HERE."

"I take it back. Clearly it's some malcontent-" Jessica began.

"No, it's probably some local hooligan getting their proverbial rocks off." Aja piped up.

"Who spells 'graphics' with an 'X'?" Kimber asked.

"People who're trying to sound clever." Shana answered.

"More importantly, who is this Graphix?" Raya mused.

* * *

"What'll it be, Jetta?" Stormer asked as her bandmate dragged herself into the kitchen.

"I'll take one of those prairie oysters- my head feels like Devastator just did a jig on it!" came the reply.

Stormer grabbed a tumbler and prepared the egg-based hangover remedy.

"So, I hear your girlfriend's hitting the big 2-1 in a few days." Jetta began once she had downed the prairie oyster.

"So?"

"You two doing anything big? Like hit the clubs-"

"Jetta, please stop. I don't really want to discuss my plans with you, because it's something for me and Kimber."

"Tosser."


	102. Chapter 102

Chapter 102: Graphix, Part 2

"Again? Is this 'Graphix' character looking for trouble?" Aja grumbled as she readied her sandblaster.

"Well, it's something new this time- an ad for the newest albums from both the Misfits and the Stingers." Jessica replied.

"Could it-" Kimber began.

"Probably not. The Misfits may be many things, but stupid enough to deface their boss's house is not one of them. Also, why would they promote the Stingers?" Shana replied.

* * *

MARV WEISMAN HIGH SCHOOL:

"Oh, look who it is. It's the Starlight Girls-" a blonde girl began.

"Can it, Gwendolyn Snyder. I've had enough of your crap to last me a lifetime-" Laura began.

Gwen clucked her tongue in contempt.

"Oh, I'm shaking in my designer boots, Little Miss Inhumanoid Cultist. What're you going to do- call up on your god to smite me?"

Krissie grabbed Laura's wrist.

"Don't let her get t-"

Laura pried her grip free and slugged her tormentor.

"You…BITCH!" Gwen screeched, the skin around her eye turning black.

"Look who's talking, valley girl."

Gwen turned around and punched Laura in the stomach.

"Break it up, you two-"

Krissie was interrupted by a backhand from Gwen. At that moment, a teacher rounded the corner and broke up the fight.

* * *

"Miss Benton-"

"Yes?" Kimber and Jessica piped up in unison.

"Miss _Jessica_ Benton, I need to speak with you."

Jessica gulped as she walked into the counselor's office.

"What is it?" she asked.

"It's Laura Holloway."

Jessica sighed.

"What'd she do this time?"

"Another fight- second one this semester."

"Who?"

"One of those popular girls- Gwendolyn Snyder. Real brat of a kid- lives in the Valley, moved here from Atlanta or somewhere near there around May or so-"

"What about Laura?"

"Well, we're suspending her if she gets into another brawl. We're giving her detention for this one, though."

"I understand."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

The name of the high school's a shout-out to two Jem writers- comic legend Marv Wolfman and "Gargoyles"/"Spectacular Spider-Man"/"Young Justice" creator Greg Weisman.


	103. Chapter 103

Chapter 103: Graphix, Part 3

"Will you pipe down?" one of the Starlight girls grumbled from within the hedge.

"But Nancy- my leg's cramping up-" Ba Nee began.

"Here's a sucker. Now be quiet!"

The two watched as a person in a flat cap walked toward the Gabor mansion. In the darkness, they could hear a spray can being shaken, followed by the sound of discharging paint.

"Ba Nee, can you see anything with those fancy cybereyes of yours?"

"It's dark-"

"You're useless."

THE NEXT MORNING:

"_WHO DID THIS?!_"

Pizzazz's shriek echoed across the neighborhood as she caught sight of the defaced wall.

Stormer rushed outside clad in her bathrobe and undergarments.

"What's with all th- no. No. No. No." she muttered.

The image on the wall consisted of only a few words: "_ARE THERE ANY QUEERS IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT? GET THEM UP AGAINST THE WALL!_" In place of any signature was the image of a pair of crossed hammers.

"_SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE- NOW!_" Pizzazz yelled.

* * *

"Oh God, I'm-" Jessica began.

The other Starlight residents gawked at the wall. An identical image of the one on the Misfits' house graced theirs as well.

"Aja, will you get the younger girls-" Miss Bailey began.

"On it."

Jessica fell to her knees and began weeping.

* * *

"Holloway- I'd like you to meet my new boyfriend."

Laura turned and stared as she saw a familiar face.

"Bobby Braddock- what are you still doing here?"

"I've still got a box of slappers in y-" Braddock began.

"Not interested. Now scram before your teeth go flying over the hallway."

Krissie tugged on Laura's forearm.

"Let's just-"

"By the way, I heard about what happened to your _foster home_ last night. A real shame too." Braddock idly mentioned.

Laura felt her blood pressure rising.

"Laura, don't you-"

"Why do you even stay there? The sister of the woman who runs it is a qu-"

Bobby Braddock howled in pain as Krissie kicked him right in the groin.

"Son of a- get back here and fight!" he exclaimed as Krissie bolted down the hallway..

"Bobby, don't get your p-"

"You know what- I'm going back there to teach that little black punk a lesson. This time, it'll be more than just that one wall-"

"Bobby- stop! It isn't worth it- yeah, it was kind of fun when we were doing patterns and ads. But hate speech? We're stooping that low?"

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

The graffiti message is from Pink Floyd's "The Wall". Which you should see because it is awesome.


	104. Chapter 104

Chapter 104: Graphix, Part 4

THE STINGERS' BUNGALOW:

"Well, there goes the house. Smooth thinking, Phoebe." Riot deadpanned as he, the other Stingers, and Bombardier were perched on the roof.

"How was _I_ supposed to know that that water elemental was too strong to bind?" came Rapture's reply.

"_You could have just gotten a sandblaster at any nearby hardware store- but noooo, you just had to call up a water spirit to try and rinse off that graffiti, didn't you?_" Minx's drone companion snarked.

"Shut up, Elise."

"_And the water spirit just had to flood the whole lot- good thing we were behind the rent anyways and had moved all the stuff to that mobile storage thing-_"

"Why'd you program your drone with sarcasm, Ingrid?" Bombardier asked.

"I thought it would be funny, Marcus." came the reply.

Riot groaned.

"Why didn't I just stay in the _Bundeswehr?_" he muttered.

"_And as far as graffiti goes, it was pretty good. No gang signs- just geometric patterns and that 'Graphix' signa-_"

A bolt of magical lightning hit Elise.

"_Knickknackpattywhackgiveadogabone_-" the little drone sputtered before she dropped from her hovering position like a stone.

Minx winced.

"Well, great. Now I'm stuck up here with no intelligent conversation." she muttered.

"You and Rapture can always ma-" Bombardier began.

As if on cue, the Stingers' former bandmate was knocked off the roof and into the small pool of water that had surrounded the bungalow.

"I was kidding!" he shouted as he treaded water.


	105. Chapter 105

Chapter 105: Graphix, Part 5

"So, did you-" Laura began.

Ba Nee nodded.

"Good. Now hand me the Curacao."

Ba Nee stood on her tiptoes and handed the bottle of liqueur to her older cohort.

"Are you sure this is safe?" Terri whimpered.

"It's crepes suzette. Of course it's-"

As if on cue, the dish caught fire.

"Is that-"

"Yes, it's perfectly normal."

* * *

A FEW HOURS LATER:

"Hello? Is anybody-" Kimber began as she entered the mansion.

"_SURPRISE!_"

As if on cue, the lights flipped on, and the Starlight residents entered the front hall.

"Happy 21st, Kimber." Jessica announced.

* * *

"Crepes suzette? You shouldn't have!" Kimber exclaimed as she surveyed the dish.

"Don't those require-" Jessica began.

Just then, a realization crossed her mind.

"_WHO BROKE INTO THE LIQUOR CABINET IN MY OFFICE?!_" she shrieked.

Laura, Ashley, and Ba Nee suddenly became very interested in sections of the dining room ceiling.

"You aren't mad, are you?" Kimber innocently asked.

"Of course I'm not mad. I'm _ABSOLUTELY LIVID!_"

Aja and Shana rushed to hold Jessica back as she prepared to catapult herself across the table to strangle the three Starlight girls.

"_DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF HOW EXPENSIVE THAT ORANGE CURAÇAO WAS?!_"

"Raya, get the tranquilizers!"

* * *

"Yep- time for some shameless promotion." a young woman muttered.

She grinned as she shook her can of spray paint and aimed it at the Starlight Mansion wall.

"_Who's that skulking about outside?_" Aja asked as she looked out the window.

_Oh crap._ the young woman thought as she bolted across the hedge separating Starlight Mansion from the Misfits' home. In her rush, she dropped her spray paint.


	106. Chapter 106

Chapter 106: Graphix, Part 6

"You _WHAT?!_" Bobby Braddock bellowed.

"I nearly g-"

"You know, I'm going over there myself. I knew you'd cock this up, Gwen. Or should I say Graphix?"

* * *

"Great. Just great. As if I didn't have enough problems." Jessica groaned.

"What is it now?" Shana asked.

"Get this- Bombardier and his friends want to crash here."

"Earth Corps?"

"The Stingers. According to Bombardier, their place got flooded by a spirit or someth-"

The phone rang.

"Hello?"

"_Jess, we've got a bit of a problem. You see…well, long story short, Metlar trashed our place. As in, it doesn't exist anymore._" Auger explained.

"I'm so s-"

"_Lucky us all our stuff was in a mobile storage pod in LA. Look, we're going to need a place to set up shop. Do you have any room?_"

Jessica groaned in defeat.

"Yes. We have room."

"_Good. We'll be here by tomorrow. Auger out._"

* * *

"What." Laura mouthed.

"You heard me. We're going to have guests for some time. Now, I assume most of you know them already-" Jessica began.

"Who's staying?" Kimber asked.

"The Stingers and Earth Corps."


	107. Chapter 107

Chapter 107: Graphix, Part 7

"_Prost_." Stormer whispered as she and Kimber toasted, their wineglasses gently pinging.

The redheaded keyboardist looked into her girlfriend's eyes. They were the perfect shade of electric blue, as if to complement Kimber's own deep green ones.

"I got you something, Kimmy."

Kimber's eyes went wide as she saw the box of Swiss chocolates that Stormer had brought over.

"You shouldn't have!"

"And I brought a little something for us to w-"

As if on cue, a rock went flying through the window.

"What t-"

* * *

"Might as well take 'em all out- Holloway, the redheaded dyke, all those bratty foster girls…" Braddock muttered as he reached into his bag.

* * *

A small cylindrical object flew through the broken window and landed at Kimber's feet.

"Is that-" Stormer whimpered.

"It's a bomb!"

As if on cue, Aja burst into the living room and grabbed the waiting pipe bomb.

_Here goes nothing._ she thought.

The bomb went flying out the window and detonated in midair.

"Sl-" Braddock began.

As if on cue, he felt a man's arms wrap around him.

"I found someone!" Rio shouted.

* * *

"Fine. I'll admit it- I'm the guy who did the hammers tag." Braddock sneered as the Starlight residents and the Misfits crowded around him.

Jessica leaned in and slapped him across the face.

"I'm going to press charges- you know that? And you are going to San Quentin for a very long time for this-" she hissed.

"Slag you, blondie! And slag that redheaded q-"

Roxy punched Braddock square in the jaw.

"Nobody talks about Stormer's girlfriend like that and gets away with it."

"You're in some place to talk-"

A police officer entered the room.

"Mister Robert Braddock, I presume?"

"Up yours, pig." came the reply.

* * *

THE NEXT MORNING:

"Well, that's over with." Jessica mumbled as she sipped her coffee.

"We never did find out who that Graphix character was, though." Shana replied.

"No need- she got caught defacing a café in Little Tokyo." Aja piped up.

"_She?_ Who-"

"Her name's Gwendolyn Snyder, and I believe Laura's well acquainted with her."


	108. Chapter 108

Chapter 108: All Hallows' Eve, Part 1

STARLIGHT RECORDS BREAK ROOM:

"You know, I never was much into Halloween as a kid-" Bright began.

Auger playfully slapped his cohort on the back.

"Derek, what's not to get into? You go around in costumes and get free candy and other things! In fact, when I was a lad, we didn't have to deal with this 'fun size' junk or taking your treat bag to the hospital to get it X-rayed! And we liked it!"

Pizzazz snorted.

"They gave out the full-sized stuff when I was a k-" she began.

"Yeah, but you lived in a rich neighborhood. Also, it wasn't just chocolate back in my day- we had all sorts of things you'd never find anymore! Real apples, popcorn balls, homemade candy, nobody flapping their gums about how Halloween was something devised by Old Scratch to ensnare the souls of the innocent-"

"Auger, I'm not even going to dignify that with a response." Bright retorted.

"What? You support killjoys?"

Bright took a deep breath.

"You shouldn't be so flippant-"

"Again with the whole forces of darkness schtick? Do I detect traces of Liquidator?"

Bright groaned.


	109. Chapter 109

Chapter 109: All Hallows' Eve, Part 2

"Auger- what are you doing with that pumpkin?" Sandra asked.

"Carving it- what else?"

"In your power suit?"

Auger smirked as he set the pumpkin down.

"Watch this."

Sandra and the others watched in horror as Auger revved his suit's drill and lowered it to the pumpkin.

"A-"

There was a _SQUELCH!_ as the pumpkin disintegrated into smaller chunks of rind and pulp.

"Didn't think this through…" Auger muttered as he wiped the pumpkin pulp off his suit.

"You said that right." a woman's voice proclaimed.

Auger turned his head and saw Kimber, Pizzazz, Stormer, Rapture, Minx, and Riot standing right behind him. Bits of pumpkin adorned their clothes and hair.

"Sandra, bail me out. Please?"

"You got yourself into this, so you can get yourself out."

Auger gulped as the disgruntled musicians drew nearer.

* * *

"And…done!" Ba Nee announced.

Jessica and Sandra turned their attention to the young girl's jack-o-lantern.

"Is that…Jem?" Sandra asked.

Ba Nee proudly nodded.

* * *

"Mister Fischer-" Deirdre began.

"Call me Bombardier- Marcus if you're nasty." came the reply.

"OK. So, what do you think of my design?"

Bombardier looked down at the pumpkin.

"Well, that's certainly the spitting image of Cobra Commander if I ever saw it!" he exclaimed.

* * *

AN HOUR LATER:

The Starlight Girls placed their jack-o-lanterns on the mansion doorstep.

"And…smile!" Raya ordered.

In the darkness, the pumpkins' designs became clear. The images of Jem, Cobra Commander, Pizzazz, the Batman symbol, and the Autobot insignia were but a handful of the designs.

* * *

COBRA COMMAND- LOS ANGELES FRANCHISE:

"So, if we're really going through with this trick-or-treating plan- where's your costume?" Eric asked.

"_COSTUME?! _I am going as myself!"

Eric's jaw dropped.

"You're an internationally wanted terrorist! You c-"

"It'll be Halloween! We'll blend right in!"

"_We_? Who e- no, don't answer that!"

"Baroness, Storm Shadow, Serpentor, and I!"

Eric groaned.


	110. Chapter 110

Chapter 110: All Hallows' Eve, Part 3

"Terri, hold…still! I don't want to stick you!" Jessica muttered as she tried to help one of the younger girls into her costume.

"But it'll be scary!" came the reply.

"You've got Bombardier, Kimber, and Stormer going with you and the other girls! You'll…be…fine!"

Terri was silent as Jessica helped fit on her tiara.

"And…done!"

The two looked in the mirror. Jessica was dressed up in a harlequin costume, while Terri was dressed up as Sailor Moon.

"See? It's going to be-"

The doorbell rang.

"That'll be Stormer now."

* * *

"Bombardier, there are some things I'll never understand about you." Bright lamented.

"_Like what?_"

"You asking me to build a Space Marine helmet so that you can go around in your exosuit and claim it's a costume!"

"_COURAGE AND HONOR, BATTLE-BROTHER!_" Bombardier exclaimed from within the confines of his suit.

The doorbell rang.

"_That'll be Stormer now! Catch you later!_"

* * *

"Remember- be back by ten!" Jessica announced as Kimber, Bombardier, and Stormer escorted the Starlight Girls away.

"_Why so generous?_"

"I'm hoping you'll score some other neighborhoods besides ours!"

"_Score beyond Beverley Hills? That's a laugh._" Bombardier muttered.

Kimber rolled her eyes in her Black Widow costume.

"Roll with it, Marcus."

Stormer felt a tug on her healer's robes.

"Which one is it?"

She looked down and saw Ba Nee dressed as Wonder Woman.

"Yes?"

"Can you tell Bombardier to slow down?"

* * *

VENICE BEACH:

"Trick or treat!"

The door opened, and a middle-aged woman stepped out.

"Who are you supposed to be?"

"COBRA! Now give us candy…please?"

The woman watched as Cobra Commander and his lieutenants approached the door and picked out candy for themselves.

"Your costumes need work, kids. But have fun!"

The door closed, and the COBRA entourage left.

"So this is trick-or-treating, Dad?" Serpentor asked.

"Yes…it is. Remind me to come by here and throw a stink bomb into that woman's house some time." Cobra Commander replied.

"Whatever for, Commander?" Storm Shadow asked.

"_OUR COSTUMES NEED WORK?! SHE THOUGHT THESE WERE COSTUMES?! SHE GAVE FREE CANDY TO SOME OF THE MOST WANTED TERRORISTS ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH AND DIDN'T GIVE US OUR PROPER HOMAGE!_" came the reply.

"Commander, calm down. The night is young, and we may still make it to Beverley Hills." Baroness retorted.

"Did you say Beverley Hills? As in _THE FULL CANDY BAR HOUSES?!_"

Baroness nodded.

"We'll go there after we make the rounds in Burbank and Santa Monica." she replied.

"Then let us venture forward! _COBRAAAA!_"


	111. Chapter 111

Chapter 111: All Hallows' Eve, Part 4

"This is going to be a long night." Laura grumbled, adjusting her pinafore as she did so.

"At least try to fake some enthusiasm." Krissie replied as she straightened out her space cadet costume's sleeves.

"Remember, positive attitudes." Raya piped up as she brought up the rear.

"I know a place where you can p-"

"_Language!_" Bombardier interrupted.

"Shut up, Ultramarine."

Bombardier muttered a few curses under his breath as the party made their way to the next house.

* * *

"Stupid Disney employees…didn't give us enough candy…" Cobra Commander grumbled as he and his party made their way back from Burbank.

"It wasn't a total loss. I got a coloring book-" Serpentor began.

"And the new Holograms CD." Storm Shadow added.

"That's _my_ Holograms CD!" Cobra Commander replied.

"I much prefer the Misfits. Their songs are better." Baroness piped up.

"Enough talk! Full sized candy bars and envelopes of cash await us in the Beverley Hills!"

* * *

"Thanks, Miss Reaver!" Terri exclaimed as she walked away from the door.

"What'd you get?" Laura asked.

Terri reached into her bucket and produced a full-sized candy bar.

"That makes…what- five in one night for you?" Laura snarked.

"And another five for Ba Nee-" Kimber began.

"You know, I'm sending some of these to Liquidator when we get back."

Terri clutched her treat bucket close to her body.

"_Well, that's the last of the neighborhood. Anyone got the time?_" Bombardier asked.

Kimber looked at her watch.

"It's about…oh, 6:30. Why?"

"_You know, there's a few haunted houses around here-_"

Terri's face went pale.

"H-h-haunted houses?"

"Joy."

"_I'm not talking carnival haunted houses._"

"Shouldn't we-" Stormer began.

"We've got aa few hours to kill. Besides, what's the harm?" Raya interrupted.

* * *

Behind Sigourney Reaver's house lay a familiar blue tape deck.

_It's on, organic._

The tape deck silently transformed into a familiar robot.

"Soundwave- superior. Bombardier and company- inferior."


	112. Chapter 112

Chapter 112: All Hallows' Eve, Part 5

"Are you sure there aren't any ghosts in there?" Terri whimpered as she saw the house.

"_Terri, I've fought the Inhumanoids and won. If there are any ghosts, I can have 'em begging for mercy._" Bombardier replied.

"Besides- it's fun to be scared!" Kimber teased.

"Yippie skippy." Laura deadpanned.

* * *

"Yes?"

"Trick or treat, Miss Reaver! Let me tell you I saw _Poltergeist Aliens: Part 4_ three times-" Cobra Commander began.

"Great. Another suck-up. Are you going to kiss up to me or are you going to take the candy?"

Cobra Commander dug around in the actress's candy bowl and procured four full-sized candy bars.

"Thanks!"

"Wait- you're not going to eat all of those, are you?"

"Of course not! One's for me, and the other three are for my associates! B- I mean, Andrea- go and help yourself."

* * *

Soundwave lay in wait behind the house.

"Cassetticons- eject! Operation: Haunted House!"

Laserbeak, Rumble, Ravage, Frenzy, Buzzsaw, and Ratbat flew out of their master's chest.

* * *

"Well well well! Not only have we cleaned out nearly every celebrity in the neighborhood, we've still got three more houses to hit before we can call it a night!" Cobra Commander declared, lugging his treat bag over his shoulder like an evil Santa Claus.

"Commander, maybe we should stop and take a break. My feet are killing me-"

"Quit your whining, Baroness! You're starting to sound like Puff Adder!"

"What three houses are left, Father?" Serpentor asked.

"Haven House, the Starlight House for Foster Girls, and then Gabor Mansion!"

* * *

"Hello? Anybody home?" Stormer asked as the party entered the house.

Bombardier shook his head.

"_Nada on the s- the heck? I've got motion on the- OH NOT YOU AGAAA-_"

In the darkness, Bombardier was dragged off by an unseen Ravage.

"Oh crap." Kimber whispered.

* * *

"Come in!" Danse exclaimed as she heard the doorbell.

The door swung open and Danse saw Cobra Commander and company on the doorstep.

"Trick or treat!"

"Aren't you Serpentor's father?"

"Yep! That's my boy! You must be his dance instructor- he's told me so much about you!"

"Well…I usually don't get a lot of my students passing by…or their parents."

"Just give us a little something extra-"

Danse reached out with the candy bowl and deposited several small bags of assorted chocolate candies into the entourage's containers.

"Happy Halloween, Mister DeCobray."

"Happy Halloween to you too, Miss Dvorak!"

* * *

"Kimber…I'm scared…" Terri whimpered.

"So am _IIIII_-" Kimber screamed as the floor started shaking.

"Kimber!" Stormer exclaimed.

The floorboards gave way and Kimber fell. The air suddenly filled with a robotic cackling.

"Stormer…I'm really scared…"

"Same here."


	113. Chapter 113

Chapter 113: All Hallows' Eve, Part 6

"Well…nuts. I didn't expect this to be the most popular house on the block." Cobra Commander muttered as he surveyed the long line of children and parents standing in front of Starlight Mansion.

"Maybe we should come back later-" Serpentor began.

"Good idea. Let's try the Gabor place…"

* * *

"Hey- what's that over there?" Ashley piped up.

Stormer and Raya turned their gaze to a grate covering an air vent.

"Are you a contortionist? Nobody's going to f-" Laura began.

"Terri could. She's the smallest." Ba Nee replied.

Terri gulped.

"Do it for Kimber. Please?" Stormer pleaded.

"Okay. Just watch my treat bucket."

Ashley reached into her paladin costume's pockets and produced a slingshot, a flashlight, and a pocket knife.

"Just in case."

Raya and Laura removed the grate, and Terri crawled in on her hands and knees.

* * *

"Trick or-" Cobra Commander began.

"We're fresh out of candy. Nice costumes by the way." Roxy interrupted, clad in a trenchcoat and mirrorshades.

"_NICE COSTUMES?! _THESE AREN'T COSTUMES, YOU DUMB BLONDE! I'M ACTUALLY COBRA COMMANDER!"

"You've even got the voice down."

"Seriously- do you have any candy?" Baroness asked.

Roxy sighed.

"Pizzazz is going to have a conniption- but here's some bon-bons. A package for each of you."

"_DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BON-BONS!_"

Pizzazz approached the front door in her _Warhammer_ commissar costume.

"You look familiar…" she murmured.

"Who? Me? Impossible. I'm just a trick-or-treater looking for candy-"

Pizzazz sighed.

"We've got saltwater taffy."

* * *

Terri held back tears of terror as she crawled through the ventilation ducts.

_What's that saying- I must not fear, fear is the mind-killer?_ she thought.

* * *

In the basement, Soundwave heard the Starlight girl's movements.

"Ratbat- deal with the intruder."

* * *

_I must not fear, fear is the m_-

Terri screamed in terror as she saw a bat-like form swoop just past her head.

_Don't panic. It's fun to b- no, it really isn't fun to be scared! I want to go home with my treat bucket and watch the _Charlie Brown _special with Kimber and Jessica and Auger and Raya and then go to bed and-_

Another form flew towards the girl.

"Eat metal!" she cried as she readied a ball bearing to launch from the slingshot.

* * *

_Laserbeak- report._

_I am down. Organic utilized primitive kinetic weaponry based upon elastic material-_

_What do I pay you for if you can be defeated by a brat with a slingshot?_

* * *

"So, you know the big blue guy?" Kimber asked as she saw Soundwave approach her and Bombardier.

"_Yeah. His name's Soundwave, and he's a Decepticon. We have a little bit of a history- me and the others kicked his ass once, and he's a bit sore about it._" came the reply.

"And the other things?"

"_His mini-cassettes. They turn into smaller robots- the twins are Frenzy and Rumble, the cat's called Ravage, the bird twins are Laserbeak and Buzzsaw, and then there's one called Ratbat_."

"Any ideas?"

"_Cheese him off._"

"H-"

"_Watch and learn_."

Bombardier cleared his throat.

"_Frenzy is blue; Rumble is red!_" he shouted.

"No. It is the other way around. Frenzy is red; Rumble is blue." Soundwave replied.

"_FIBRIR!_"

"FIRRIB!"

"_FIBRIB!_"

"Frenzy is red!"

"No, he's blue!"

"Rumble is blue!"

"_Frenzy!_"

"Rumble!"

"_Frenzy!_"

"Rumble!"

"_Frenzy!_"

"NO- Rumble is blue!" Rumble piped up.

"_How can you be sure you're not Frenzy_?" Bombardier asked.

The blue Cassetticon was silent.

* * *

"Come on- here's hoping…" Terri whispered.

Soundwave felt a small metal object bounce off his head.

"Who did that?"

Silence.

"Who-"

"_I DID!_"

Kimber's eyes went wide as saucers as Terri leapt down from the vent.

"Organic juvenile- stand down!"

"Let them go…you…you _BIG ROBOT MEANIE!_"

Soundwave broke down laughing at Terri's insult.

_Even when he laughs, it's scary._ the Starlight girl thought.

Just then, she remembered Kimber and Bombardier.

"Can you move your-"

"No." Kimber replied.

Terri broke out the pocketknife and cut the two free.

"Should we-" Kimber began once she was loose.

"_Yep._"

Soundwave was still laughing as the trio made their escape.

* * *

30 MINUTES LATER:

"I take it back. It isn't fun being scared." Kimber whispered as the party approached Starlight Mansion.

"_It is when you're watching a horror movie._" Bombardier retorted.

"Yeah…but you're safe there. You know it can't hurt you."

Just then, Kimber's eyes went wide as saucers as she saw Cobra Commander and his entourage at the front doorstep, brandishing large treat bags.

"What the-"

"You saw nothing." the Commander proclaimed.


	114. Chapter 114

Chapter 114: All Hallows' Eve Epilogue

"So, how was trick-or-treating?" Jessica asked.

"_Good._" Bombardier answered.

"Kimber?"

"Same here. Everything's fine."

* * *

"Now, let's divvy up the spoils of the night." Stormer announced.

"Baroness- you go first!" Cobra Commander ordered.

The Baroness emptied her treat bag.

"Let's see here- assorted candy bars of varying sizes, about two dozen packs of gum, lots of hard candy, saltwater taffy, a miniature Jem doll, peanut butter cups, a coloring book, mints, a Misfits CD, twenty dollars in cash, a ukulele, and some oranges."

"Storm Shadow!"

"Lots of Pocky, peanut butter cups, the Holograms CD you took, gum, various suckers, saltwater taffy, vinegar candy, apple drops, barley sugar candy, wine gums, and assorted candy bars of varying sizes. Also an encoder ring."

"Serpentor!"

"Peanut butter cups, peanut brittle, caramels of varying shapes and sizes, butterscotch candies, some popcorn balls, some Cracker Jack, rock candy, suckers and lollipops of all kinds, a Holograms CD, fifty dollars in cash, an accordion, assorted candy bars of varying sizes, and some apples."

"And now for me!"

The Commander opened his bag.

"Candy bars of varying sizes, apples, caramels, popcorn balls, a whole lot of pennies, a banjo-"

"Where'd you get the banjo?" the Baroness asked.

"Took it off a hobo on the side of the road. Cost me five bucks."

"Continue."

"-licorice whips, thirty dollars in cash, jelly beans, oranges, a grapefruit, saltwater taffy, bonbons, assorted chocolates, gum, pretzels, peanut brittle, and a bag of peanuts. Overall- not bad this year!"

* * *

"Rio- another round!" Jessica requested.

Rio nodded as he reached for a wine bottle and poured. Jessica and Pizzazz picked up the waiting glasses.

"To Starlight."

Pizzazz raised her wineglass and toasted her boss.

* * *

"So, Dr. Slattery-" Rapture began

"Call me Liquidator."

"You want to help me get a better hang on my magic?"

"I could with some help…"

"How about that Astral woman?" Rapture piped up.

There was a puff of smoke, and Astral materialized.

"Drinks for the three of us." she announced.

* * *

"Now, how was Halloween?" Jessica asked as she tucked Terri in.

"Okay."

"That's it? You managed to beat a Decepticon if what Kimber told me is true."

Terri nodded.

"Terri, I can't believe I'm saying this- but you're a brave little girl."


	115. Chapter 115

Chapter 115: Primal Passions, Part 1

"Hey, Stormer- I've got something to tell you." Jetta announced.

"What?"

"Come closer- it's a secret."

Stormer approached her bandmate.

"Wh- no, you're kidding! You're not-"

"I'm telling you- that redhead's not any good for you, Stormer. She's a bad influence!"

"You- you're lying! Or are you?"

"Nope. I'm giving it to you straight. She's playing you like a violin-"

Stormer broke down weeping and ran off.

"Suc- oh hi, Roxy. Didn't see you coming."

"Why'd you make Stormer cry?"

Jetta began to twiddle her thumbs.

"You were feeding her a line about her girlfriend, weren't you?"

"Er…maybe?"

Jetta felt the wind get knocked out of her.

* * *

"Damn it! It's supposed to be a soporific, not an aphrodisiac!" Liquidator griped.

"Problems with the new anti-Inhumanoid formula, Doctor Slattery?" Bright asked.

"Yes, I'm having problems- like how this stuff turbocharges the subjects' sex drive! Lucky me these lab mice are sterile-"

"Lay it off for the night, Liquidator."

* * *

Stormer waited outside Liquidator's laboratory and listened in on the two scientists' conversation.

_If Jetta's right, then that formula will make Kimber really love me! Nobody plays Mary Philips for a fool!_ she thought.

* * *

The lab door creaked open, and Stormer slunk inside. It took her a very short time to find the failed anti-Inhumanoid formula. It was a pinkish liquid that smelled vaguely of ammonia.

"Better living- and loving- through chemistry. I really should thank Doctor Slattery for his failure." she whispered to herself.


	116. Chapter 116

Chapter 116: Primal Passions, Part 2

"And…done! Kimber'll never know what hit her!" Stormer whispered to herself as she examined the water pistol she had just filled with Liquidator's formula.

"You wanted to s-" Kimber began.

Before she could finish her statement, the redheaded keyboardist was hit by a stream of pinkish liquid.

"What's- oh!"

Kimber's eyes went wide as saucers as she saw Stormer walk towards her.

"Are you a goddess? Because you look like one."

* * *

"You told her _WHAT?!_" Pizzazz shrieked.

"It was j-"

"You're lucky you still have a spot in the Misfits, Jetta. You could have just sent our songwriter on her own path and left us all out of work!"

Jetta cursed under her breath.

"Now who's going to tell her that Jetta was lying?" Pizzazz asked.

"I'll do it." Roxy piped up.

* * *

"Okay, Kimber. You've made your point. Now enough's enough." Stormer groaned as she tried to pry Kimber off her arm.

"Whatever you say, my sweet lady."

Stormer shuddered.

_Note to self. Try and find reverse- oh wait a second! I can't go back to Liquidator and tell him I took his stuff! He's liable to steal my soul and use it for who knows what! Then again- sycophant Kimber is annoying Kimber._

* * *

"Oh big sis!" Kimber sing-songed as she entered Jessica's home office.

"What?"

"I'm…retiring from the Holograms."

Jessica's eyes went wide as saucers.

"You're kidding."

"Nope. Stormer and I are going to settle down-"

Jessica rose from her chair and put a hand on Kimber's forehead.

"You're not running a fever. Maybe you should take some time to think this over-"

Kimber had already run off.

* * *

"So, you're-" Stormer began.

"I'm more annoyed than angry. Seriously- you shouldn't mess with chemicals you see lying around in a laboratory." Liquidator replied.

"Any idea of an antidote?"

"Wait for it to get out of her system. Alternatively, I think I have an idea."

"Explain."

"Well, the formula was designed to affect hormones or equivalent biochemicals. My guess is if you were to give her something like- oh, I don't know, diazepam-"

"How much?"

"Standard dose."

"Thanks."

* * *

"Now, Kimber, I need you stay still for a minute."

"Yes, dear."

Stormer dropped the pill in front of the redhead.

"Take it."

Kimber nodded and complied with the request. Just then, there was a knock on the door.

"Come in."

Roxy entered Starlight Mansion.

"Stormer, I've got something to tell you-"

"What?"

Roxy leaned in and whispered.

"You mean- that does it! Tell Jetta she's getting her pay docked for this!"

* * *

A FEW MINUTES LATER:

"So let me get this straight. You decided to spray me with a love potion that Liquidator accidentally cooked up because you thought I was playing you for a fool?" Kimber asked.

Stormer nodded.

"I'm s-"

"Look, let's just agree to never speak of this again."

Stormer nodded.

"Now, open wide…" Kimber requested.

The two embraced in a passionate kiss.


	117. Chapter 117

Chapter 117: Demons of the Road, Part 1

LAWSON'S MILK BAR:

"Good to see you could accompany us, Aja." Kimber piped up.

"Seriously? This place? You two are at least 21-"

"Look, Stormer's stomach's been acting up again. A milkshake won't cause her as much trouble-"

A waitress approached the trio.

"Pick your poison."

"Peach shake- extra thick." Stormer ordered.

"An ice water." Kimber added.

"Ditto." Aja finished.

* * *

HALF AN HOUR LATER:

"Well, shall I t-" Aja began.

A muscle car pulled up next to Aja's car.

"Hey, baby doll. I see you've got a tricked out ride-" the driver began.

"Aja, don't do anything rash." Kimber whispered.

"What do you want?" Aja replied.

"How about a race?"

"Deal."

Kimber gulped as Aja revved the engine.

"Time to show this yahoo why I call this the Rockin' Roadster."

There was a sudden burst of acceleration as Aja slammed her foot onto the gas, and the car hurled forward like a rocket sled.

"What did I just say about-"

"Can't hear you, Kimmy! I've got a punk to beat!"

"Is she insane?!" Stormer yelled.

"No. She just has a hard time refusing a challenge." came the reply.

Just then, the sound of a police siren filled the air.

"Crap." Aja muttered as she rolled down the window.

* * *

"You did _WHAT WITH MY CAR?!_" Jessica shrieked.

"I didn't even scratch the paint, J!"

"You could have gotten yourself killed!"

"Well, you drink like a camel, but you don't see me telling you to knock it off-"

"There's a difference. I moderate my drinking. You, on the other hand- it's like high school all over again! Remember when Dad chewed you out after you got in that wreck? With his car?"

Aja groaned.

"You're not Emmett and I'm not seventeen anymore!"

"This is something I'd expect Raya- no, I take it back. Raya's not that foolhardy. Really says something when your actions are less mature than those of a _teenager_!"

Aja raised her middle finger.

"Well, fine! If you want to turn yourself into a smear on the freeway, then be my guest! I swear if you pull a stunt like this, I'm going to tan your hide like you were one of the younger girls!" Jessica retorted.

"Well, fine! You can find someone else to be a Hologram! I quit!"

Jessica walked out of the garage, her gaze steely. Aja proceeded in the opposite direction and spat on the driveway.

"Big sis, I think you might have-" Kimber began as Jessica walked past her.

Stormer hushed Kimber.

"Don't say anything right now."

"B-"

"Let them blow off some steam."


	118. Chapter 118

Chapter 118: Demons of the Road, Part 2

"Jessica, Aja w-" Shana began.

"Tell her I said 'bite me'."

Shana sighed.

"Just let this one g-"

Jessica slammed her fist onto her desk.

"_I CAN'T! WE'VE BEEN DOWN THIS PATH BEFORE BACK WHEN SHE WAS SEVENTEEN AND NEARLY GOT HERSELF KILLED BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T SAY NO TO A CHALLENGE!_"

"B-"

Jessica began to break down sobbing.

"I don't want us to lose her too!"

* * *

"Wouldn't have this problem if Jessica wasn't such a worry-wart…" Aja fumed as she walked through the club's parking lot.

Just then, her phone rang.

"Hello?"

"_Aja, it's me, Jess-_"

"Slag you."

"_Look, I'm sorry for what I said last night-_"

"What's that? You're breaking up-"

"_Aja, knock it off. I know you can hear me just fine._"

"What do you want?"

"_I'm trying to bury the hatchet about last night. I'll freely admit my temper-_"

"Slag. You."

"_Aja, drop the attitude _now_._"

"You can't-"

"_Look, I know you're mad, but let's just call this water under the bridge-_"

Aja hung up and entered the Rockin' Roadster.

_I might as well make up with her._


	119. Chapter 119

Chapter 119: Demons of the Road, Part 3

"Well, I'm back, Jessica." Aja announced as she entered the house.

Jessica was silent.

"Jess? You okay?"

Jessica shook her head.

"Cat got your tongue?"

"No- acute laryngitis. Probably from yelling at you." Shana piped up as she entered the room.

"When she gets her voice back, tell her that…that I'm sorry for my actions earlier."

"Will do."

* * *

A FEW DAYS LATER:

"Hey, Jessica- are you feeling alright?" Shana asked.

"Why do you ask?"

"You look a bit pale, for starters. Also, it looks like you've lost a little weight- in the sense that you're looking a bit more gaunt than skinny."

"Shana, I'm-"

Jessica collapsed on the floor of her home office.

"Let's get you to bed, J."


	120. Chapter 120

Chapter 120: Sweet Dreams Are Made of These, Part 1

"You're burning up, big sis!" Kimber exclaimed.

"Tell me about it." Jessica sniffled.

Rapture entered the room.

"_Frau_ Benton, would you care for some chamomile tea?" she asked.

"Thanks, Rapture."

Jessica raised the teacup to her lips and drank it in one go.

"What's in this stuff?" she asked.

"A little arcane soporific-" Rapture began.

"So you're drugging me?"

Rapture guiltily nodded.

"It was Miss Bailey's idea. She said you needed the sleep."

Jessica nodded and closed her eyes, unaware of a passing unmarked van.

* * *

"Yes! After all this time- I have finally managed to seize control of COBRA! And I didn't even need to raise my pistol to do it!" Eric cackled.

"_Puff Adder, when I get out of this box, I will find a punishment so brutal that you will be begging for death! Nobody betrays Cobra Commander and gets away with it!_" Cobra Commander shrieked from inside a crate in the back of the van labeled "WARNING: CONTENTS MAY PROVE DETRIMENTAL TO ONE'S SANITY".

"Be quiet! Now, Mindbender- activate the mental manipulation device!"

Dr. Mindbender nodded as he activated his latest contraption.

"_Here's an idea- how about I leave on the front doorstep of the Misfits' house and let them beat you to a pulp?_"

"Ignoring you, Commander."

"_Executing you would be a waste of time and materials…hang on, I'll think of something! Serpentor, my son- get me out of this box!_"

"I cannot, Father! Puff Adder has cuffed me to the Baroness using one of your magnetic handcuffs!"

"_Curse you, Eric Raymond! Curse you and your mother!_"

"Don't you badmouth my mother!"

"_Like you treated her any better! I've read your diary- you threw her under a bus for her life insurance, collected it, and now she's been on life support for twenty years after you used the money to start Starlight Records!_"

"Cobra Commander, can't you get yourself out?" Destro asked as he struggled in his leg irons.

"_Easier said than done, Destro! Eric Raymond-_"

"You mean Puff Adder."

"_You are not worthy of that name anymore, you traitor! As I was saying, Destro- Eric Raymond tied my arms and legs up so that I can't escape! Baroness- do you have any precedent for escaping this?_"

"No. He used natural fiber ropes for me-"

"-as opposed to the carbon fiber ones holding you." Eric finished.

"Besides, isn't it kind of your fault for falling for the 'free bonbons' trick?"

"_WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON, BARONESS?!"_

"Yours, Commander. That being said, I will snark on your stupidity for my amusement."

"_WHEN I GET OUT OF THIS BOX, I'LL CUT YOUR PAY!_"

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Well, Jessica was a pretty good judge of character back in Chapter 4. And as for how Eric Raymond got Cobra Commander in that box and his top ranking goons where he wanted them…well, there are a lot of Dreadnoks, and some of them helped him out.


	121. Chapter 121

Chapter 121: Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These, Part 2

"_Why are we even here in the first place?!_" Cobra Commander asked from within the confines of his box.

"A little something I've been wanting to do for a _long_ time- drive Jessica Benton to the funny farm and take back what's mine!"

"_The record company? You betrayed me just so you could your stupid _record company _back? That's low even for you!_"

"And with both Starlight Records and COBRA under my thumb, I can finally retire in peace to the French Rivera!"

"_Seriously? That's your plan? Something you could have just done anyways?_"

"Do you realize how hard it is to live on Social Security these days? I needed some cash cow to milk-"

Silence.

"_You know, that's a really dumb plan._" Cobra Commander piped up.

"You're one to talk." came the reply.

Eric paused for thought.

"Mindbender, how's th-"

"Not working. I need to replace a fuse-"

"You know what? I'm sending someone in to get Benton personally." Eric hissed.

"_When are you going to let me out of this box? I'm getting muscle cramps in here!_"

"Quit whining."

"You be quiet! Now, Zanya- get the chloroform rag and get into that mansion."

* * *

SEVERAL HOURS LATER:

Jessica came to in what seemed to be her own bed.

"Where am I?" she rasped.

* * *

Behind the set of Jessica's room, Eric and his associates watched in glee and horror respectively.

"This is vile, Eric Raymond!" Destro barked.

"Says the man who put a hit on a woman barely out of her teens."

"That was for political and economic reasons involving international politics- not because I wanted my stuff back!"

Eric maniacally laughed.

"We're terrorists, Destro. We don't need _standards_." he sneered, emphasizing "standards" as if it were "rattlesnakes".

"_When I get out of this box, I will have you flogged! And then I'll make you listen to Major Bludd's poetry for ten consecutive hours! Live! And with no meal breaks!_" Cobra Commander yelled.

"Zanya, go throw the Commander off the Santa Monica Pier."

"What." Zartan's sister replied.

"I said-"

"If you want the Commander dead so much, why don't you d-"

Eric slapped the female Dreadnok.

"I'm your commander now!"

"_Eric, I hope you get punched in the crotch by an ornery child. And I don't mean Serpentor._" Cobra Commander grumbled.

"SHUT! UP!"


	122. Chapter 122

Chapter 122: Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These, Part 3

"What was in that tea?" Jessica croaked as she rose from the bed.

Jessica adjusted her nightgown and ventured out of her "room", only to be greeted by a redheaded woman.

"Kimber? Is that you?"

"Kimber" stared quizzically at Jessica.

"Kimber?"

"Who's Kimber?"

Jessica nervously laughed.

"Did Laura set you up for this?"

"Who's Laura?"

"Kimber, you've had your fun. Now-"

"Kimber" turned and left.

_Well, that was weird_.

* * *

"What is wrong with you?" Destro asked.

Eric was grinning like a goon.

"It's a little something called gaslighting." he sneered.

"_You make me sick._" Cobra Commander hissed.

"Shut your trap."

* * *

"Where is everyone?" Jessica asked.

"_Hello, Jessica._" Eric sneered over a hidden intercom.

"Who- where-"

"_Ignore me, Jessica. I'm just a voice in your head._"

"I am not insane."

"_Delusions are a clear sign of insanity._"

"Someone is trying to trick me into thinking that I've gone insane."

"_Paranoia is another indicator._"

"This is just a bad dream. I'll wake up, and everything will be normal again-"

"_You are awake, Jessica. This is reality._"

"I'm dreaming. Otherwise, I wouldn't be hearing voices in my head."

* * *

"Jessica, I brought you s-" Aja began.

The door creaked open, and Aja was met with an empty bed. Her thermos flask dropped from her hand, nearly spilling the broth inside.

"Everyone, we've got a situation on our hands!" she yelled.

* * *

"What do you mean she's gone?" Ba Nee asked.

"I just checked her room- she's not in there. And I've just searched the house." Aja replied.

"Could it-" Kimber began.

Shana and Raya nodded.

"My money's on our old buddy Eric Raymond- agent of COBRA."

* * *

"Why are the walls a different color?" Jessica asked as she walked around the "mansion".

"_They've always been this way, Jessica. Now, there's someone waiting at the door for you. A certain outrageous singer._"

* * *

"_Eric Raymond, let me out of this box immediately!_" Cobra Commander screamed.

"Zanya, put the Commander in the office set." Eric ordered.

"_PUT ME DOWN IMMEDIATELY!_"

* * *

"No. It can't be. I'm- I mean, Jem wouldn't visit me!"

"_Why wouldn't she? After all, Jem is a philanthropist._"

"I mean- well, it's kind of h-"

"_Go on and say it. You know you want to._"

"I c-"

"_Go on. You can tell me. I'm just a voice in your head- I don't exist._"

"In that case, I'll just go to my office and pour myself a drink-"

"_I wouldn't do that if I were you. Someone as sick as you shouldn't be drinking._"

"Stop it."

"_If you want me to go away, tell me who Jem really is._"

"I'm not playing your game."

"_Tell. Me. Now._"

"Why?"

"_You're in her house, you silly little girl._"

"No. This is my house. I live here. I'll go to my office-"

"_You shouldn't go there. It's Jem's office._"

"Stop talking."

* * *

"So, Jessica's been kidnapped- any ideas?" Kimber asked.

Rapture raised her hand.

"I can track her by way of the soporific. Its arcane signature is like a radioactive tracer to me."

"Well then, let's go."


	123. Chapter 123

Chapter 123: Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These, Part 4

"No. I'm…I'm dreaming…" Jessica muttered.

Her office was adorned with pictures of Jem at various ages.

"_Now do you believe me? Now do you believe that you're going mad?_"

"No. I'm perfectly sane!"

"_That's what someone who wasn't sane would say. Now th-_"

"_HEY BLONDIE! GET ME OUT OF THIS BOX!_" a high-pitched voice cried out.

Jessica tilted her head.

"Another voice in my head? Maybe I really am going crazy-"

"_I'M OVER HERE!_"

"I have had enough of this!"

Jessica growled in anger and punched the office wall…and her fist kept going right through it.

"What the-"

Jessica blinked at the hole in the wall. Behind it were the lights of a film studio.

"What's going on?"

"_ARE YOU DEAF OR SOMETHING?_"


	124. Chapter 124

Chapter 124: Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These, Part 5

"What's going on around here? Am I dreaming?" Jessica asked.

"_Nope. You're being gaslighted by your old buddy Eric Raymond._" the high-pitched voice continued.

"Who's saying that?"

"_TURN YOUR HEAD, YOU DUMB BLONDE!_"

Jessica turned and saw a large crate right near the desk.

"Well, this is fantastic. I'm talking with a crate that sounds like Cobra Commander-"

"_WHO DO YOU THINK IS IN HERE?!_"

"No- I'm definitely nuts. There's no way that I'm talking to Cobra Commander-"

"_Eric's playing you like a violin and he's about to cut your strings! He's trying to get you shipped off to the loony bin so he can take over that record company! Also, I really am Cobra Commander- and I'll make you a mutually beneficial offer!_"

Jessica perked up.

"I'm listening."

"_Excellent! First- get me out of this box!_"

"Well, I can't do that in here-"

"_Then get us out of here!_"

Jessica picked up the box, straining as she did so.

"_Now then- let's get out of here!_"

* * *

"So, they're escaping. Not for long." Eric mused.

He reached for his cellphone.

"Dreadnoks- stop Benton and the Commander at any cost. Shoot to kill."

* * *

"_RUN FASTER! I CAN STILL HEAR GUNFIRE!_" Cobra Commander exclaimed.

"I need a break…also, how'd you get into that box in the first place?" Jessica muttered as Eric's Dreadnoks took potshots at her and the Commander.

"_It's kind of embarrassing…_"

"Tell me about l-"

A lucky shot sent several oil drums toppling and caused their contents to spill right in Jessica's path.

"Whoa whoa whoa whoa!" she exclaimed.

Jessica lost all traction and slipped, sending the Commander's box flying through the air before it smashed into a nearby wall.

"Oi! Look at 'er! She's got no knickers on!" a Dreadnok commented, pointing at Jessica.

"_INCOMING!_"

As if on cue, Cobra Commander leapt through the air, knocked a Dreadnok off his bike, and took the driver's seat.

"Hop on!"

"What do you mean they're escaping?!" Eric howled in rage.

"_That's just what I-_"

"You're fired!"

* * *

"Commander- I think I'm going to be sick…" Jessica moaned.

Cobra Commander pulled the bike over and turned away as Jessica retched in a roadside ditch.

_Just ignore her._ he thought.

"She's coming right this way!" Rapture cried out as the Rockin' Roadster proceeded down the street.

Aja looked and saw Cobra Commander barreling down the road on a stolen motorbike while Jessica clung onto him for dear life.

"TURN!" Kimber exclaimed.

Aja closed her eyes and swerved out of the way, while the Commander's motorbike did the same.

"Well, this is where we part ways. Ta ta for now!"

Jessica weakly nodded as she hobbled off the bike and towards the car.


	125. Chapter 125

Chapter 125: Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These Epilogue

"Jess, are you feeling alright?" Aja asked.

"Terrible." came the reply.

"If it means anything…I'm sorry for what I said to you that night."

"Accepted."

There was a knock on the door.

"That'll be Kimber with your medicine now. Now say 'aah'…"

* * *

COBRA ISLAND:

"No- don't do this to me!" Eric pleaded.

"You tried to usurp my position! Believe me, I'm going light on you!" Cobra Commander replied as he threw his dangerous minion into the poetry room.

The door closed, and a familiar face appeared.

"_When you're feeling low and woozy-_" Major Bludd began.

Eric screamed as the Australian mercenary's poetry hit him like a train wreck.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Well, at least Aja and Jessica made up. Also, Eric got his comeuppance and Cobra Commander got out of that box. Hooray!


	126. Chapter 126

Chapter 126: Pacheco Reunion, Part 1

"Hey, Rio! You got mail!" a Starlight Girl exclaimed.

"Thanks, Nancy."

Rio took the envelope, opened it, and read its contents.

* * *

_Rio, my son:_

_You are cordially invited to the Pacheco family reunion in San Diego. Since you never call anymore, you better show up, buster. Also, if you've got a sweetheart, bring them. Especially if it's one of those Benton girls._

_Sincerely:_

_Linda Pacheco-Rosenbaum_

* * *

The color drained from Rio's face.

* * *

SEVERAL MINUTES LATER:

"Rio, I really can't-" Jessica began.

"Look, I don't want to disappoint Mom. Please?"

Jessica sighed.

"The new Holograms album is due in a few days, and you know I can't get a replacement for Jem."

There was a knock on the door.

"Oh, hi Sandra."

"I heard your predicament, and I think I'm up for the job."

"You sure you can-"

Sandra laughed.

"Jess, I've handled the Inhumanoids. I think I can handle being a pop sensation for a few days."

Jessica sighed as she removed her Jemstar earrings and gave them Sandra.

"You remember the activation phrase?"

"Kind of hard to forget when you associate it with Bombardier becoming Jem."

The two women burst out laughing at the memory.

"Go on. Say it, Sandra."

The Earth Corps' funder grinned as she looked in the mirror.

"It's showtime, Synergy!"

* * *

STARLIGHT RECORDS:

"Miss Benton, I presume?" Jem asked as she walked into Jessica's office, hoping Kimber was in there.

"Wrong."

Jem looked in shock as she saw Pizzazz reclining in Jessica's chair, thumbing through the latest issue of _Cool Trash_ and propping her feet up on the desk.

"When did you get to run the company?"

"Me? Running this place? Have the fumes from your hairspray gotten to you, Jem? I'm just here because my coffee maker's on the fritz. Also, this office has a minibar."

Pizzazz slid a glass across the desk.

"Retsina?" she asked.

Jem sat down, drank the wine, and suppressed her gag reflex.

"Tastes like turpentine!" she sputtered.

"Acquired taste."


	127. Chapter 127

Chapter 127: Pacheco Reunion, Part 2

"So, what can I expect?" Jessica asked as she and Rio drove towards San Diego.

"There's going to be some kids there about Ashley's age, maybe Terri's at the youngest. They're my sister's, and they're big Holograms fans."

"What about your parents?"

"You've met Mom and Dad when you were fifteen, Jess! For someone who can keep track of all the Starlight Girls, recall the company's expenses to the cent, and remember the exact contents of your office liquor cabinet or minibar, how could you forget meeting my parents?"

"Because we spent the whole night playing _Wind Waker_." Jessica replied.

Rio grinned at the memory.

"Fun times."

* * *

THE U.S. GRANT HOTEL- 90 MINUTES LATER:

"I'm sorry, Mr. Pacheco, but you don't appear to be on the l-"

Jessica nudged Rio in the ribs.

"I'm with Jessica R. Benton, CEO of Starlight Records."

The clerk looked up.

"Sorry for the inconvenience, Mr. Pacheco. We have a suite for you after all- the key must've fallen behind a desk or something."

Rio took the key.

"Suck-up." Jessica teased.

"You taught me, Miss Benton."

"You're not at any risk of getting the axe, Mister Pacheco. You can be candid with me- even if I'm technically your boss twice over."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

We'll be seeing Rio's family soon. As for the scene at the front desk, he's been around Jessica so long that he's kind of forgotten that as the head of a high-selling record company, her name carries a fair bit of clout. Then again, he's too modest to engage in name-dropping unless he's reminded to.


	128. Chapter 128

Chapter 128: Pacheco Reunion, Part 3

"So, how many people did you say were coming?" Jessica asked.

"About eight to ten. Why do you ask?" Rio answered.

There was a knock on the suite door.

"I'll get it."

Rio opened the door and was greeted by his mother.

"Finally, I get to see you! You never call anymore!" she exclaimed.

"Mom, that's because I'm usually very b-"

"Excuses, excuses, that's all I ever hear from you! Your sister calls, and she's got two kids of her own! You're a bachelor, and you're too busy to call your old mother? Is that what it's coming to?"

"I travel a lot, Mom. I'm a roadie for the Holog-"

"A roadie? You mean like those women who always follow singers around wherever they go? That's what my son does?"

"Mom, that's a groupie. I'm a roadie. I set up sound equipment and such for the Holograms when they're on tour."

"That's better."

"Miss Pacheco-" Jessica began.

"Call me Linda, dear. And aren't you that big shot record producer-"

"Yes, I'm Jessica Benton."

Rio cleared his throat.

"You remember Jessica, don't you?" he asked.

"Oh yeah- little Jerrica Benton, all grown up! I still remember you when you were fifteen! When'd you lose the glasses and the braces? And when'd you go fill out- you used to be a gangly little thing!"

An awkward silence settled over the room.

"So, where's Maria?" Rio asked.

"Waiting in the lobby. She wants you to take Judith and Alexis to the San Diego Zoo-"

"Who's Maria?" Jessica asked.

"My sister." Rio answered.

* * *

"_And that's a wrap! Looks we've got the new album done!_" the A/R man exclaimed.

"Good to hear." Jem replied.

"_Speaking of, what was up with your voice, Jem? Sounded a bit…off._"

"Allergies." Jem lied.

"_You sure? Sounded a bit deeper than normal-_"

"It's allergies."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

For purposes of comparison, Jem sings soprano. Sandra's an alto. And yes, adolescence was not kind to Jessica. If anyone wants me to do a fic centering on the cast's high school days, I'll do it.


	129. Chapter 129

Chapter 129: Pacheco Reunion, Part 4

"Thanks, Uncle Rio!" two young children exclaimed in unison.

Rio clenched his fist in frustration as the cab proceeded towards the San Diego Zoo.

"So, which one's Ashley's age?" Jessica asked.

"That'd be Alexis."

"And the one that's Terri's age is-"

"Judith."

* * *

STARLIGHT MANSION- JESSICA'S OFFICE:

"Sandra, are you-" Bombardier began.

"I'm not. Who knew being Jem was so taxing?" came the reply.

"There's a good reason for that." Kimber piped up

"What?"

"You're trying too hard to _be_ Jem."

An awkward silence settled over the room.

"_Que pardon?_" Sandra asked.

"I mean what I say. It's as if you're trying to become Jem- like you want to usurp her from Jessica."

"Unsubstantiated fantasy! I'm just temping, not taking over!"

* * *

"Pretzel?" Rio offered.

Jessica weakly nodded as she took a seat on a zoo bench and accepted the large bread pretzel.

"How's it going, Jess?"

"Your nieces are killing me, my feet are killing me, and I think I'm getting a migraine."

"Could be a dehydration headache."

Rio handed Jessica a water bottle.

"So, what'd Alexis and Judith do to you?"

"Let's just say that Judith didn't leave the petting zoo without a pretty good scrap. Believe me, I've seen less screaming and crying out of Pizzazz when someone barges into the recording studio."

Rio chuckled.

"So, what's on the agenda for tomorrow?" Jessica asked.

"Well, Dad and I were going to take the girls to see the aircraft carrier while you get a spa treatment." Rio answered.

"You shouldn't have!"

"Cost me a pretty penny too."

"You sure I can't tag a-"

"Jess, you deserve some spoiling. I mean, when was the last time you took an actual vacation?"

"Er-"

"Tell you what- when we get back, I'm going to book us a couple of tickets to Oahu and spend a couple weeks in paradise. No record company, no Jem, no Misfits- just us."


	130. Chapter 130

Chapter 130: Pacheco Reunion, Part 5

"Jem, we've been playing for three hours straight. Can we at least break for lunch?" Kimber asked.

"No, we can't. Not until we get done with the next al-"

"We just finished an album!" Raya retorted.

"Got to stay ahead, Raya."

"Can I at least get a water bottle?" Aja asked.

Jem glared at her bandmate.

"No. We're staying here-"

Kimber slunk out of the recording studio.

"When she gets back, she is so fired." Jem grumbled.

* * *

"_I look into your eyes-_"

Jessica reached for her cellphone.

"Hello?"

"_Big sis, you've got to come back. It's Jem._"

"What about her?"

"_She's not herself._"

"Kimberly, you've got five minutes to explain. I'm getting a spa treatment, and I intend to get Rio's money's worth."

"_Well, we just finished the latest album-_"

"Yes."

"_And now she's wanting us to get the next one done. Jessica, we've been doing this for three hours in a r-_"

"Sorry, Kimber, but I've got my hands tied right now. I'll be home tomorrow- I promise."

"_Bye._"

Jessica hung up.

"What was that all about?" a fellow patron asked.

"Corporate stuff." Jessica asked, repositioning the cucumber slices over her eyes.

* * *

USS MIDWAY:

"Rio, are you sure you don't want to go ahead and get your certification to become a proper electrician?"

"Dad, I told you I'm happy being a roadie. I get to travel on the band's dime, meet interesting people, and feel like I'm doing something for the world."

"But the p-"

"Dad, I'm making close to a six-figure salary. In fact, I might soon be making a six-figure salary if the stars are right."

"B-"

"The pay's good and I get to sate my wanderlust. I'm happy with my job, Dad."

Rio's father shrugged.

"Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be." he replied.

Rio grinned.

* * *

THAT NIGHT:

"So, you're Rio's boss and girlfriend?"

"Yes, Mister Pacheco-" Jessica answered.

"Call me Antonio. Everyone does."

Jessica nodded as she idly stabbed at her calamari.

"So, are you two planning-"

"Not yet, Dad. Maybe in a year or two."

"Stupid…squid! J-"

Jessica's fork pierced the squid's ink sac, spraying its contents all over her top.

"Not. One. Word." she muttered.

"Come on, Jess. Let's go back to the hotel and get you cleaned up."

Jessica was red as a beet as she walked out of the restaurant.

* * *

"That could've been worse. At least you and my dad hit it off well." Rio mused.

"_That always happens to me when I try to eat calamari or octopus!_" Jessica replied from the shower.

"Which is why you rarely eat it, I take it."

"_Ha ha. Very funny, Rio._"

"So, you've met my family. You want to go down to the lounge, sing karaoke?"

"_Maybe._"

* * *

"You know I never wear this if I can help it." Jessica muttered as she and Rio walked into the hotel lounge.

"Jess, I'll be frank- you're a real bombshell in that red cocktail dress."

"Which is precisely why I never wear it if I can help it."

"Just man the karaoke machine."

Jessica nodded as she waked towards the microphone.

_Oh great- one of Jem's hits. Do well, but not too well._ she thought as she saw the song title.

"_I look into your eyes, and I go onto a journey. One look, and I'm swept away-_"

* * *

"Get yourselves back into that recording studio now!" Jem ordered.

"Nope." Kimber replied.

"Not happening." Aja added.

"Pass." Shana added.

"_Ir chupar un limón_." Raya finished.

"I'm your boss! If you don't get back in there, you're all fired!"

"You're not the real Jem, Sandra. We don't have to take orders from you." Kimber retorted.

"I am not Sandra! I am Jem and Jem is me!"

* * *

Jessica's cellphone rang again.

"Hello?"

"_Jess, can you come home tonight? Jem's gone off the deep end-_"

"On it."

Jessica tapped Rio's shoulder.

"Dear, we've got to go back. Sandra's let Jem go to her head."

* * *

TWO HOURS LATER:

"It's ten at night, Jess. Are you sure we need to stop by the office?" Rio asked.

"I'm positive."

Jessica opened the car door and walked into the Starlight Records building.

"Last chance. Either you get your lazy butts into that recording studio or you're all out of a job." Jem began.

"What's this I hear about being out of a job?"

Jem's head turned as Jessica rounded in the corner in her red cocktail dress.

"Sis, you never told us you were s-" Kimber piped up.

"I'm not one to flaunt it. Now, Jem- do you have anything to say for yourself?"

"I'm allowed to r-"

"Show's over, Synergy."

Jem disappeared, leaving only Sandra Shore behind.

"What th-"

"Synergy responds to my voice. Now, I believe you owe my friends some apologies, Sandra."

"Sorry for how I acted. I guess I was letting Jem get to my head."

"The earrings." Jessica requested.

Sandra removed the Jemstar earrings and handed them back to Jessica.


	131. Chapter 131

Chapter 131: Tech Support

"Don't be such a baby, Synergy! It's for your own good!" Aja grumbled.

"_But_-"

"It's just an update to your antivirus software, not a complete overhaul!"

"_B_-"

"Synergy, we've been through this several times. If you're going to have Internet access, then we need to keep your antivirus software updated."

"_B_-"

"You know, if I have to, I'll just get these on solid-state drives and break out the soldering gun."

"_You're bluffing._"

"Am I? Oh, Kimber! Get me the soldering g-"

Synergy dropped her firewall and let Aja update the antivirus software.

"Now that wasn't so bad, now was it?"

"_But-_"

"Seriously, you need these updates more often."

"_Then why am I suddenly unable to access my preferred forums, gaming servers, a-_"

"Child-proofed it."

"_What._"

Aja reached into her bag and pulled out a series of receipts.

"These are our bandwidth bills from before we moved you here- and here are the ones from after."

"_There appears to be a spike in pr-_"

"That's because you've been eating through our bandwidth like Ba Nee eats through Halloween candy."


	132. Chapter 132

Chapter 132: Studies For Starlight, Part 1

HAMA-MARX ELEMENTARY SCHOOL:

"Come in, Miss Benton." the principal announced.

Jessica hung her hat on the nearby hatrack and took a seat in the small office.

"Yes?"

One of the Starlight Girls glared at the elder Benton.

"Nancy? What'd s-"

"It was a fight, Miss Benton. One of the other students was tormenting Ba Nee, and Nancy socked him right in the jaw."

"Couldn't y-"

"I'm sorry, Miss Benton. I'm afraid I'll have to suspend Nancy for a few days."

* * *

"So, how was your day?" Aja asked as Jessica entered the mansion.

"Nancy got suspended. How was yours?"

"I've got schooling woes myself. Laura's on the verge of flunking chemistry, Ashley's flunking algebra, and Becky's barely getting by in history."

"Ideas?"

"Jess, we've got some of the biggest eggheads on the planet in this house. Might as well put them to work."

* * *

TANK'S ROOM:

"Miss Benton- you wanted to see me?" Tank asked as Jessica entered his room.

"Colonel, I have a few things to say. The first one is- why are there miniature technicolor vinyl ponies on your desk?"

"Ba Nee introduced them to me. I find them adorable. Also, Aja told me about something called rubber duck debugging-"

"Moving on, I was wondering if you would mind taking a more active role around the house. Namely history tutoring for Becky." Jessica continued.

"Might as well. It's quite dull sitting around waiting for the Inhumanoids to attack, and she would benefit from learning about the Soviet experience in the Great Patriotic War."

"Were you even alive back then?"

"My grandfather and my father served in that war, Miss Benton. They told me stories when I was a child."

"So-"

"Yes. I'll help Becky."

"Good to hear."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

For those who are unfamiliar with it, rubber duck debugging is when a programmer debugs their code by forcing themselves to explain it line-by-line to an inanimate object- for example, a rubber duck. Tank just applies to the principle to making his battle plans.


	133. Chapter 133

Chapter 133: Studies For Starlight, Part 2

"Girls, we need to talk." Jessica announced.

Nancy, Laura, Ashley, and Becky looked up from the floor of Jessica's office.

"Nancy, wait outside my office. I'll talk with you in a minute."

The remaining three sat down.

"Now, I don't understand why you three are struggling in school. We have some of the greatest minds in the world living here, and they're quite willing to help you out."

Ashley blew a gum bubble.

"Now, either I see improvements or you're all getting kitchen duty for a month. Do we understand each other?"

The three nodded.

"Good. Now go and do something productive, like getting your homework done."

The three left, and Nancy entered the office again.

"If you think you're staying here, think again. You're not getting off easy, kiddo."

Nancy nodded.

"That's why I'm taking you to work with me. Maybe that'll get you to think that fighting isn't the best solution."

* * *

THE NEXT MORNING:

"Now who's going to bring me coffee?" Pizzazz thundered as she looked at her email.

"Something the matter, boss?" Jetta asked.

"Clash decided to take a personal day, that's what. Probably at Disneyland or something."

"So?"

"If Clash isn't here, she can't bring me coffee."

As if on cue, Jessica and Nancy walked by.

"Boss, I think you've jumped the gun on Bring Your Daughter To Work Day."

"Very funny, Pizzazz. Nancy here got suspended from school, and I brought her here to keep an eye on her."

"Tell to get me my coffee, then."

Jessica turned to her foster daughter.

"Get Pizzazz her coffee, dear. I don't want to have to deal with a cranky Misfit."

"And remember- no cream! And while you're at it-"

Pizzazz handed Nancy a ten-dollar bill.

"Get me a bagel from the bakery down the street!"

"What am I? Your slave?"

Pizzazz's eye twitched.

"No, you're my intern. Not that there's any real difference."

* * *

HALF AN HOUR LATER:

"What's taking her so long? It's 8:30 for crying out loud! Clash would've had that coffee and bagel here by 8:15-"

Nancy entered Pizzazz's office with a coffee in the one hand and a paper bag in the other.

"Good. You're a fast learner."

Pizzazz took one sip of the coffee and nearly gagged.

"What is this stuff?"

"Your coffee. All they had in the break room was that pumpkin spice stuff-"

Pizzazz made a noise somewhere between a hiss and a growl.

"When I asked for coffee, I implied that I wanted _black_ coffee! You know what- just buy me one from the coffee shop in the lobby, m'kay?"

Nancy nodded and proceeded to the elevator.

_Note to self- get coffee machine reinstalled in my office ASAP._ Pizzazz scrawled down.


	134. Chapter 134

Chapter 134: Studies for Starlight, Part 3

"Starlight Music. Jessica Benton speaking-"

"_Miss Benton, this is Peter Barton, California Department of Social Services._"

Jessica sighed.

"What do you want?"

"_You're getting a new addition today. Her name's Mara, and she's fifteen._"

"When's she-"

"_5:00._"

* * *

"So, how's your day going?" Laura asked Raya as she idled up next to her at lunch.

"Decent enough. Can I interest you in a free copy of the new alb-"

"No."

Just then, a familiar blonde walked by.

"Well, look who it is. It's Little Miss Nyarlathotep and the Glam Gal-"

"Snyder, can it." Laura retorted.

"Oh, I'm shaking in my designer boots!"

"Slag off, Graphix." Raya muttered.

Graphix shot the Holograms' drummer a dirty look as she and her posse marched on.

* * *

"Why are we going home early? It's only 4:00." Nancy asked.

"We're taking in another girl, and she's coming at 5." Jessica answered.

"Wasn't Laura enough of a pain?"

"Nancy, drop the attitude. Or did you pick that up from the Misfits?"

"Well, Stormer was the only one nice enough to ask _politely_."

"Now do you get why you shouldn't get in fights?"

"Yes, Jessica."

"Good."

* * *

A few minutes later, Jessica's car pulled up to Starlight Mansion. Barton's sedan was already waiting for her.

"Can I-" Jessica began.

As if on cue, a young white woman with black hair emerged from the other car. Jessica winced- what should have been skin looked like badly-applied greasepaint. In addition, the young woman was wearing a turtleneck tee as if she were trying to hide something on her neck.

"So, you're Mara."

The woman nodded.

"Welcome to Starlight-"

Jessica's fingers rubbed against Mara's cheek, and her suspicions were confirmed. The "skin" was in fact greasepaint, and beneath it was purplish-blue skin.

"Stay away from me!" Mara whimpered as she ran into the house.

Jessica's eyes were as wide as saucers.

"What just happened?" Nancy innocently asked.

"That's a very good question."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

If you don't remember her from _GI Joe_, Mara was COBRA's attempt at creating a biologically amphibious soldier. This version has a similar backstory to her _GI Joe_ counterpart (COBRA Eel recruited from a bad neighborhood, experimented on by COBRA later on, and then deserted/defected). So now one of the Starlight Girls is an ex-COBRA soldier who's got fishy bits in her body. Well, if Cobra Commander can raise Serpentor as his kid, then why can't Mara be a Starlight Girl?


	135. Chapter 135

Chapter 135: Meeting Mara

"Hello, Mara." Jessica began.

The new arrival stared blankly at the woman addressing her.

"Mara? Are you-"

"Don't look at me! I'm a monster, a freak, an abomination unto-"

"Whoa whoa whoa. What makes you say that? I mean, if it's your skin-"

Mara adjusted the neck of her shirt and gave Jessica an eyeful of what she had been concealing. All along the sides of her neck were a series of slits that appeared to be- no, they _were_ gills. And they were moving.

_Oh. My. God._ Jessica thought as she tried to keep her last meal down.

"Well, that's…odd. How did you get those?"

"You don't want to know!"

"Mara, if you want help, I need to know where y-"

"COBRA! I got them from COBRA!"

Jessica's jaw dropped.

"COBRA? How- you're only fifteen!"

"I'm not proud of it! I came from a bad neighborhood, and they offered me a way out! I was one of their Eels, and when they decided to try and create a biologically amphibious soldier, I volunteered!"

"B-"

"I'm not with them anymore! Now leave me alone!"

* * *

"Any luck with the new girl, Jess?" Miss Bailey asked.

"If you mean bad luck, then yes. She said she used to be part of COBRA-"

Miss Bailey sighed.

"It'll be like Laura all over again-"

"Hazel, she's…I don't know what to say. She's got gills on her neck, her skin's blue, and she thinks she's a freak."

"Miss Benton, just try and introduce her to the girls. Maybe that'll get her to open up a bit."

* * *

"_Sweet dreams are made of these- who am I to disa-_" Mara absent-mindedly sang as she applied a fresh coat of greasepaint over the smudged portion of her face

There was a knock on the bathroom door.

"Go away. Nobod-"

"_Mara, it's me. Jessica._"

"Who?"

"_The blonde woman who tried to talk with you earlier. Can we talk in my office?_"

"Do I have to?"

"_It'd be a good idea. Now, do you want tea or coffee?_"

"Tea."

"_By the way, I'd like it if you took a shower. You smell like…well, old fish._"

Mara groaned as she grabbed a brush and entered the shower.

* * *

HALF AN HOUR LATER:

"You wanted to see me?" Mara asked as she entered Jessica's office, clad in an old t-shirt and a pair of well-worn pants that came standard issue for COBRA's soldiers.

Jessica nodded as she tried not to stare at the blue-skinned teenager with gills on both sides of her neck.

"I'm done with COBRA, if you're wondering. One of those guys from GI Joe put in a good word for me with Homeland Security-"

"That's not what I'm concerned with, Mara."

"It's how I look, isn't it?"

"That's not it, either."

"Well, what?"

"I'm concerned that maybe you're just a little bit too…well, down on yourself."

"Have you seen me? I've got gills and blue skin! I've got every right to b-"

"When was the last time you ate?" Jessica asked.

"A few days ago. Why do you a-"

"Well, it's nearly time for dinner. Assuming Liquidator hasn't tried to be clever and used some alternative fuel like acetylene for cooking, in which case we all starve."

* * *

"So _this_ is the wiener schnitzel I keep hearing about it." Auger muttered as he looked over what Rapture and Minx had prepared.

"You seem disappointed." Minx piped up.

"I was expecting something a bit more than a chicken-fried steak."

"Well, keep in mind that there are those that say your perverse Yankee variant using cube steak instead of proper veal was created by German immigrants to this nation-"

"What's veal?" Ba Nee asked as she walked into the room.

Auger and Rapture looked up at the ceiling.

"What's veal?"

"Calf meat." Minx answered.

Ba Nee walked out with a look of stunned horror on her face.

"Good going, blondie. Now she won't touch the stuff-" Auger began

"It was humanely raised veal!"

"It's still a baby cow! Not that I mind a good veal steak now and again-"

"Get back to work!" Rapture ordered, her hand alight with arcane lightning.

* * *

"What's this supposed to be?" Laura asked as she poked at the breaded veal cutlet before her.

"Wiener schnitzel." Auger answered.

"Looks like a country-fried steak." Delaree muttered.

"That's because it's the granddaddy of country-fried steak. They just make it with veal-"

Rapture's eyes lit up, and Auger suddenly came down with a case of acute laryngitis.

"This is why I hate magic users! With the exception of Liquidator- no, I hate him too for that fruitcake he gave me last Christmas!" he wheezed.

Herc and Sandra gave Rapture a death glare.

"What?"

_Note to self- get Liquidator's fruitcake recipe. Next week, send Pizzazz a sample from Jem._ Jessica scrawled down.

Mara eyed her dinner cautiously.

"It's not poisoned." Aja whispered.

Mara nodded and cut off a portion of the cutlet.


	136. Chapter 136

Chapter 136: Meeting Mara, Part 2

"What's that noise?" Jessica mumbled.

"Could be one of the Earth Corps working late. That or Auger stubbing his toe." Rio replied as he rolled over in bed.

"No. If it were that, we'd hear a lot more cursing."

"Want me to-"

Jessica rose up, put on her bathrobe, and grabbed a flashlight.

"-go check?"

* * *

"The brush goes in, the brush goes out-"

A bright light hit Mara's face, and she covered her sensitive eyes.

"Oh. It's you." Jessica proclaimed as she looked over the new arrival.

Mara guiltily looked up at the garage ceiling.

"What're you doing at this time of- where'd you get that?"

Jessica looked towards what Mara had been doing. In front of the blue-skinned teen was a field-stripped Desert Eagle and a cleaning kit.

"That yours?"

"No, Miss Benton-"

"Call me Jessica. And whose gun is that?"

"Colonel Kiev's."

"Did you take it from him?"

"No, Jessica. It was lying around in the upstairs hallway."

_Note to self- chew the Colonel's ear off about how he shouldn't leave guns where small children can get them._ Jessica thought.

"Shouldn't you be in bed?" she asked.

"I-I-I couldn't sleep."

Jessica cocked an eyebrow and sat down next to Mara.

"Why not? Bad dreams?"

Mara nodded.

"Are they about COBRA?"

Mara nodded again.

"Well, you can tell me about them."

* * *

THE NEXT MORNING:

"Rough night, boss?" Raya asked as she extended a coffee mug.

Jessica nodded.

"So, where are the girls?" she asked.

"They left an hour ago for that aquarium in Long Beach with Kimber and Sandra." Miss Bailey answered.

"Is-"

"Mara's with them." Shana replied.


	137. Chapter 137

Chapter 137: Meeting Mara, Part 3

"My feet hurt." Ba Nee griped.

"Well then, allow me to break out the world's smallest violin." Laura began.

_Permission to slap Holloway in the back of the head?_ Sandra signed.

"Not in public." Kimber replied.

Mara fidgeted with her shirt's neck as she looked at the sea life.

_And to think I used to swim with th-_

"I think Ba Nee's getting overtired. Maybe we should go back." Ashley piped up.

"Seconded. I'm not f-"

As if on cue, Mara tripped on one of her loose shoelaces and hit the floor face-first, her shirt's neck snagging on a railing.

"Ow."

Just then, she realized that her neck wasn't covered up, and that everyone else was staring at her.

"Don't look!" she begged.

"Okay, girls. Now may be a good time to go home…" Kimber nervously announced.

* * *

A FEW HOURS LATER:

"_Mara? Are you in there?_" one of the younger girls asked from in front of Mara's door.

"Go away!"

"_It's me- Ba Nee._"

"What do you want?"

"_I saw those things on your neck-_"

"Are you here to tell me I'm a freak?"

"_No. I just think they're kind of cool, I guess._"

In her mind, Mara did a double-take.

"What?"

"_Those things on your neck- they're kind of cool. What are they anyways?_"

"Gills. It's a long story. But you say you don't m-"

"_That's right!_"

Mara began to weep in joy.

"Acceptance? Is this the real life?"

"_Mara, we don't care if you've got gills on your neck. You've still got a place at Starlight._" Jessica added.


End file.
